Do You Want To Kill A Snowman? The Frozen Review, Part One

27 Jun

No, we are NOT reviewing the Disney flick! Last time I tried thatI was pullin’ wasps out of where the sun don’t shine for WEEKS. No, today we’re looking at The Frozen, a 2012 horror flick that Rotten Tomatoes positively refuses to review, because that’s always a good sign!

Uh oh, a Weeping Angel tried to photo-bomb.

I always wonder about movies like this, you know, the ones that nobody has ever heard about. What exactly HAPPENED in this movie’s production that managed to piss off some angry deity and get it completely erased from history? Did The Frozen betray Shiva?

Ahem!

Our movie opens with a snowy forest, as the camera slowly pans over it as if to say, “Yep. That’s snow all right. We done here?”. And after a pointlessly long shot of THAT, we get our title card, then immediately cut to some woman staring at her reflection in a perplexingly green tinted bathroom. Cinematography by the Incredible fucking Hulk!

She paces back and forth and stresses over her pregnancy test, which has just confirmed positive. Lazy way to try and get the audience to sympathize with the main character is GO! Her boyfriend interrupts her, but she doesn’t tell him about the sloppy narrative device- er, I mean, the baby, and they immediately leap head first in to a driving montage! Oh god, I’m getting Manos flashbacks.

Despite the fact that the girlfriend would really rather they go for a tropical vacation, the boyfriend is dragging her along to this snowy wasteland, because, hey, terrible boyfriend and all that. But… he gets her a dancing luau bobble head, SO I GUESS THAT MEANS HE’S NICE.

Man, I need to remember that one.

They make it to their destination, which has just the right amount of barbed wire to make it look as “pleasant” as possible, and while the girlfriend insists they just set up camp here, the guy insists that they drive their snowmobile ten miles away from the truck, and then set up camp! Because, again, he’s a dreadful human being!

… Wait a minute, snowmobile? Young couple? The Frozen?! I know where I’ve seen this before! I reviewed the fucking trailer!

… Well, okay, less “reviewed”, more “pithy jokes”, but still! And I had a lot of things that I could have said about that trailer but didn’t because I didn’t want to mess up the joke’s rhythm! The stupid trailer voice, the fact that it spoiled a characters death, the standard “make the editing choppier the closer it gets to the end” trick which I fucking swear needs to die off! Man, can’t I just review THAT instead and save me a couple hours?!

Anyway, so after travelling a bit, the boyfriend starts to leave little red markers tied to trees so they can find their way back, because they’ve obviously never seen Labyrinth, and they run across a disembowelled deer strung up in a tree. And of course, the fucking boyfriend just has to chime in!

“It’s nothing to worry about, it’s probably just a hunting area.”

… Wait, you never CHECKED whether or not your camp site was a fucking hunting ground before you came here?! I- jus- THAT IS SO STUPID I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT!

*wooosh*

*wooosh*

GOOD ENOUGH!

So, despite now assuming that they’re in an area where people regularly try to kill stuff, they then spend a good five minutes of screen time doing nothing but wasting my time and bickering about setting up a tent. Gee. I’m used to people pitchin’ tents in horror flicks, but this is ridiculous!

Shut up, I’m hilarious.

The duo ride around on their snowmobile for a bit, perhaps in a vein effort to become moderately less boring and failing, before spying somebody in the woods. Annnnnd then crashing! Wait, you call that crashing? Excuse me, I have prime experience in crashing a goddamn snowmobile, and that was NOTHING. You didn’t even hit anything, you just jumped over a slight decline! Jesus tapdancing cocks, when you have the thing wrapped around a telephone pole so hard that it is physically in-capable of even being MOVED, then you can talk.

So, they eventually get up, dazed but no worse for wear. Um, yeah, good luck with that, shock tends to take more than a few seconds to wear off. Maybe, say, several hours of being incapable of even walking is a bit closer to the mark. And the impact of getting through clear of the snowmobile? I was unbelievably lucky, and even I was walking away with a huge gash on my leg and buggered up fingers! Which threw a wrench in my masturbating schedule, let me tell you.

SO! ANYWAY! Before the boyfriend can take a look at the snowmobile to see if it’s okay, he goes with his girlfriend to get her to the camp. Because I guess she’s not allowed to sit around while he works on the engine, the excess “manly” radiation would explode her ovaries. Apparently.

During the hike back, the girlfriend thinks she sees someone, but apparently not, because we need to pad out the run time. And with that, they make it back to the camp to begin their favourite hobby: BICKERING! 

*pinch bridge of nose between fingers*

THAT SNOWMOBILE CRASH WAS A FUCKING SAINT!

I have so many questions about this picture. Namely, who the hell turned gravity off?

After some stock footage of winter to show night falling, the boyfriend gets back to the tent and… apparently, we’re just writing off the snowmobile as busted. I guess “slight bump” just completely makes it lose it’s crap. And the girlfriend makes the grand revelation: she’s pregnant, but she doesn’t intend to keep it.

Yeah, yeah, dun dun dun and all that. Look, I’ve seen enough of these horror movies, it doesn’t matter WHAT you plan to do with a baby, it’s still getting a boot to the head before the credits roll.

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4 Responses to “Do You Want To Kill A Snowman? The Frozen Review, Part One”

  1. Emma June 28, 2014 at 6:18 am #

    The movie was decent, so I’d give it it 7 out of 10. Would definitely watch it again. Lol @ snowmobile crash. 😛

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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  2. It’s Funny How Some Murder Makes Everything Seem Small: The Frozen Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - June 29, 2014

    […] Previously, on The Frozen: Unlikeable Bastard and Irritating Hag have gotten stranded in the woods due to the fact that they’re complete and utter morons, and have decided to try and fix the problem through the mediating power of bickering! Sounds like fun, right?! But fortunately, Random Jackass has evidently gunned down the Bastard off-screen! […]

  3. Let It Go, Let It Go, Seriously, Let This Damn Movie Go: The Frozen Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 1, 2014

    […] Previously, on The Frozen: I… I think something happened? Yeah, Irritating Hag is stranded in the middle of the woods, and some creepy jackass is wandering around just to be a jackass. I mean, you know, he killed her boyfriend, but I’m pretty sure she was planning to do that anyway. […]

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