The Killing Never Bothered Me Anyway: The Frozen Review, Part Two

28 Jun

You gotta love how they named this flick “The Frozen” when, despite the fact that they’re in the middle of a frozen winter, you don’t even see anyone’s breath! Because actually making anything frozen would mean not letting our characters look like they’re in a goddamn make-up commercial, and that’s obviously the priority in a HORROR MOVIE.

Movie poster, or a “missing” sign on a milk carton? YOU DECIDE.

Previously, on The Frozen: Unlikeable Bastard and Irritating Hag are on a relaxing winter vacation in the woods, when all of a sudden, they crash their snowmobile! And by “crash”, I mean it takes a slight bump. Which apparently completely totalled it, because that’s what fucking happens when you build your snowmobile out of macramé.

Ahem!

In the middle of the night, Hag suddenly wakes up to the sounds of non-specific spooky-stuff, and runs outside of the tent to spot a woman in a white dress with blood all over the vagina and a Mexican skull mask. Annnnnd then she wakes up. Well. Thank you for wasting five minutes of my life.

She heads over to Bastard, who is apparently still struggling with the snowmobile, and the two snipe at each other for a bit. I think you can see where I came up with the names for these two. So she wanders off again, and spies some random guy standing in the woods! Which she responds to the same way I think we all would:

But apparently he hates Legend Of Zelda as much as I do, because he disappears when she turns her head. And when Hag fetches Bastard to come check, of course there’s no sign of him anywhere. See, that’s the problem when you try to bum a ride from a ghost. And now it’s time for America’s favourite game show… MORE BICKERING!

Do we have any other main characters? I think these ones are defective.

So, with their problems solved with the power of whining… apparently, they pack up and start to hike back to the car, only to realize that they’re lost. And now it’s time for the bombshell: See, this isn’t ACTUALLY a camp site. Bastard was talking with some guy at the convenience store, and the guy said “oh, sure, camping at the camp site? THAT’S no fun, what you ought to do is go camp at this random spot in the middle of the wilderness”.

Well, it’s nice to know that your imminent grisly murder is due entirely to the fact that YOU’RE A FUCKING MORON!

*wooosh*

*wooosh*

(I do eventually plan to increase the number of times I use this picture, until it’s eventually the entire web site.)

Suddenly, mid-bicker, the duo spot the strange man again. Who, once again, just kinda… stares at them for a while. Jesus, I haven’t felt this judged by a random redneck since I got caught watching Mass Effect porn in a truck stop bathroom. LOOK MAN THE DOORS HAVE A LOCK FOR A REASON.

The man leaves before they can say anything to him, and with nothing better to do, they head back to the camp. And of course, they begin discussing the use of interpretative dance as a physiological and psychological expression and it’s use as a reflection of human culture- oh wait, no, I’m sorry. I guess I was thinking about an actual GOOD movie. They just bicker like usual.

Fortunately, this discussion is interrupted by ambient scary noises outside… and then they just go to sleep. Nice problem solving, gang. But they get woken up by more noises, and this time, Bastard actually tries to accomplish something, and runs off in to the woods… followed by gunshots. Aww, that is so sad, I can barely KEEP DANCING! WOO HOO! 

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4 Responses to “The Killing Never Bothered Me Anyway: The Frozen Review, Part Two”

  1. Alexander Dunwall June 29, 2014 at 5:02 am #

    *woosh*

    • averystrangeplace June 29, 2014 at 1:38 pm #

      WOOSH! Pretty sure that’s going to become the new catchphrase. Get it on t-shirts. Become the idol of millions. Fo’ shizzle.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. It’s Funny How Some Murder Makes Everything Seem Small: The Frozen Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - June 29, 2014

    […] on The Frozen: Unlikeable Bastard and Irritating Hag have gotten stranded in the woods due to the fact that […]

  2. Let It Go, Let It Go, Seriously, Let This Damn Movie Go: The Frozen Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 1, 2014

    […] on The Frozen: I… I think something happened? Yeah, Irritating Hag is stranded in the middle […]

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