It’s Funny How Some Murder Makes Everything Seem Small: The Frozen Review, Part Three

29 Jun

I really don’t want to review this. I really don’t want to review this. Thrice let it be said and done, I REALLY do not want to review this.

*pinch bridge of nose between fingers*

Did I mention I didn’t want to review this?!

Surprisingly, not a horror movie title, it’s actually a kind of smoothie!

Previously, on The Frozen: Unlikeable Bastard and Irritating Hag have gotten stranded in the woods due to the fact that they’re complete and utter morons, and have decided to try and fix the problem through the mediating power of bickering! Sounds like fun, right?! But fortunately, Random Jackass has evidently gunned down the Bastard off-screen!

Oh, wait, am I supposed to feel upset about that?

Oh noooooes.

Ahem!

Irritating Hag runs out to go check on the Bastard, but instead of getting shot too (dammit), she decides to just hide back in the tent again. Jesus, what a great girlfriend. “What’s that, honey, you got shot? Sorry, I’m too busy sitting in here and counting the ways I loath you. GOD, I hate you.”

When day finally comes, and she apparently decides to go pick his pockets or piss on the corpse or something, she notices some footprints and follows them to a huge mess of blood on the ground, right by the snowmobile. Either that, or somebody took the Kool-Aid Man in to the woods and broke his kneecaps.

Hag heads back to the tent to curl in to a ball for a bit, before finally heading all the way back to the snowmobile. Um. Why did you even bother heading back then? Decided, eh, stood up for ten seconds, time for a nap? Or is the director just shamelessly trying to extend the run time like a man desperately staving off an orgasm?

The snowmobile is still busted, despite her clicking the button over and over again, so she gathers some wood and heads back to the camp to light a fire. You know, I think I’ve finally nailed one of the problems with this movie: The cinematography is DREADFUL!

[Editor’s Note: Wait, did you seriously just point out the cinematography? What, did you finally decide that you’re a REAL reviewer now?]

Oh, shush up. For a movie like this, about being watched by an unknown assailant in the middle of the woods, the shots should be wide, far away, and static, to give the impression of being watched, yet alone. But this? Everything is shot up way too close, and the camera moves and wiggles like it’s a found footage movie that just got confused at some point, and it feels less “spooky” and more like she’s just a handshake with the camera man and a five minute drive from civilisation.

Not… quite, but sure, lets go with that.

Late in to the night, the Hag finds a proposal ring in the Bastard’s stuff, which makes her suddenly realize, “Oh fuck, I am a TERRIBLE girlfriend. Maybe I should have actually checked whether or not you were dead? Eh, screw it”. And of course, after she goes to bed, she hears more ambient scary noises (trademark pending) outside! Annnnnnd she just tells them to go away.

OUR PROTAGONIST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! What, do you expect the Random Asshole to just go, “Huh, didn’t realize how annoying she was, guess I’ll just let her go”?! Jesus tapdancing cocks, you need to die!

… Er, I mean, respect the sanctity of all life and all that crap.

Surprisingly enough, the Random Asshole actually DOES go away, and she tuckers right off to sleep. And in a merciful world, this would end with the Hag getting riddled with bullets in her sleep, but no, I’ve apparently sinned against God and this movie will just keep going on.

The next morning, she pulls out the map and starts hiking, trying to find the way out. Um, wait. Okay, so excuse me if my logic is faulty, but they got here through a snowmobile, right? Well, those things are pretty bulky, so they couldn’t have gone through the forest. So, if there are wide open tree less areas through this valley (which we see there are), they would have HAD to go through those! And if there are still some markers left over (which there are), that would point them in the right direction! So all she has to do is follow the markers until they run out, and then just follow the only area that a snowmobile could go, and it’ll take you right to the truck!

Or, in other words, THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING STUPID!

There. Didn't use the table flip picture. Don't say I never gave you anything.

There. Didn’t use the table flip picture. Don’t say I never gave you anything.

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One Response to “It’s Funny How Some Murder Makes Everything Seem Small: The Frozen Review, Part Three”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Let It Go, Let It Go, Seriously, Let This Damn Movie Go: The Frozen Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 1, 2014

    […] on The Frozen: I… I think something happened? Yeah, Irritating Hag is stranded in the middle of the woods, […]

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