Archive | July, 2014

Reviewed A Thousand Films Before I Met You: Ken Park Review, Part One

31 Jul

You know, it’s funny.

While I was editing my video review, it’s almost as if I was reviewing movies on auto-pilot. It was like I was reviewing them because I had to, not because I wanted to. I would put it off as long as possible, take breaks, and almost… relax. I forgot.

I forgot what it was like to fucking despise a film.

Ladies and gentlemen? Ken Park.

And this is where things get goddamn infuriating.

And this is where things get goddamn infuriating.

Ken Park is a 2002 film directed by Larry Clark, and written by… oh, for fuck’s sake, Harmony Korine?! Who the hell went to the guy who made TRASH HUMPERS and decided to let him write a goddamn film?!  Hell, who would even go to that guy in general, he looks like Elijah Wood strung out on meth!

But oh no no, that’s where it gets better. See, this was not only written by Korine, but he based it on Larry Clark’s diaries from when he was a teenager! So please keep this is mind when we get in to this. And get ready to scream.

Ahem!

Our film opens with shots of your average all-American small town, while your average all-American 90’s soundtrack blares in the background! Which is really freaking odd, because this came out in 2002. We get to see the titular Ken Park go to an… er, skate park, which is full of all kinds of strapping teenage boys riding their hearts away! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and Ken Park blows his fucking brains out!

… Wait, what?!

Yes, the titular character shoots himself in the face three minutes in, and we hear the narrator cut in! He gives Ken Park’s biography, before cutting to all of Ken’s friends, who will be the focal point of the film: Claude, Tate, Peaches, and Shaun. And we start with Shaun, so we cut to Shaun… pinning his brother to the floor and forcing him to profess his love? Um. I think we just jumped in to The Taming Of Rebecca territory.

[Editor’s Note: What the hell is THAT?]

Kinda like The Taming Of The Shrew, only less Shakespeare, more bondage.

… Please don’t make me review that.

Anyway, Shaun goes to his girlfriend’s house, and finds… the girlfriend’s younger sister, watching montages of people’s asses on T.V? And if you’re about to say that that’s random and confusing, you ain’t seen nothing yet. The girlfriend isn’t home, so Shaun walks upstairs and finds her mother folding laundry.

“Hey, Shaun.”

“Hey.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Can I eat you out?”

John Barrowman, you are not.

Well, that obviously doesn’t work, and we cut to Claude, the next friend! He’s hanging out with his father, who obviously feels like his son is not nearly manly! Hmm. You know, it’s subtle, but I think he might be ashamed of his son.

“I wake up in the morning, I look at you, and I feel sick. I feel so ashamed.”

It’s subtle, but the signs are definitely there.

Alright, on to the next friend! Peaches apparently has the “nicest peach smell” because that totally isn’t creepy or anything, and the narration goes on to say that her mother died, and she looks just like her. Oh, and she used to let boys watch her get undressed. All of those facts will be relevant later. You don’t want to know how.

We get to see her hyper-religious father, before cutting to Tate! He lives with his grandparents, and how does he introduce himself to the audience? By beating the shit out of his dog after looking of pictures of starving children! And the dog has three legs, if that’ll buy you any more WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT points.

Anyway, after Tate beats up his dog and threatens to tear it’s leg off, he then proceeds to scream obscenities at his grandmother when she comes in with a snack! Oh, jesus tap dancing cocks, do we have any other protagonists? I think this one’s defective.

We cut back over with Shaun, as he’s fooling around with his girlfriend’s mother WAIT WHAT.

Well, now I’m just stuck. Should I complain about the pedophilia, the cheating, or just how goddamn stupid this thing is? Because I can only really be offended at one thing at a time.

Yes, it’s turned out, his brilliant move of “awkwardly asking to give oral sex” has managed to completely erase this woman’s inhibitions in about twelve fucking seconds! Maybe it’s the folding laundry bit. Girls go nuts for a man who can properly differentiate from his wash clothes and his drying clothes. And oh my god, is this still going on?! What, was this shot in fucking real time?!

Anyway, she gets her happy ending, which is just fucking good for her, and we cut over to Claude! Oh good, some light-hearted neglect and abuse would just about hit the spot right now. He’s hanging out with his pregnant mother, who of course is smoking while she’s pregnant. Well, fucking naturally. If you fill the baby with enough tar, it’ll come out bullet proof!

Pictured: Something less gross than this movie.

Once he’s done with that, he heads out to mess around on his skateboard, which infuriates his father! How dare you have your own interests?! So, yeah, the father smashes the board and they proceed to scream profanity at each other for a bit. Annnnnd then the punching starts! You know, it’s amazing, every single character in this movie has a different and unique way to make me WANT TO GIVE THEM ORAL SURGERY WITH A BELT SANDER.

So, time to check back in with Peaches! Peaches and her boyfriend are having lunch with her father, which is about as awkward as it ever gets. My god, my fullest sympathies to the boyfriend. Oh, and the hyper-religious father used to have a forked tongue. SYMBOLISM IS GOOOOOO.

So, after I’m done muting the dialogue to escape any more awkwardness, we cut to Tate and his grandparents playing Scrabble. And of course, Tate gets furious when his grandfather plays “sipi”! I mean, how dare he! Sipi isn’t a real word!

… Well, unless you count in Tagalog. (It means “copy”.)

Tate pulls out the dictionary and proves that sipi isn’t a word, so he starts screaming about how his grandfather is a cheater. Annnnd then he goes out to some teenage girls playing jump rope, and joins in. Well. It’s nice to have a scene where he doesn’t make me afraid to be alive, and it is such a shame that I have to fucking point that out.

If you’re getting a handle on the movie so far, then you probably realize that it’s Shaun’s turn again! He’s basking in the afterglow, complete with a cigarette because I guess everybody in this town smokes, and they proceed to talk about their little affair. And you know what that means! Yes, place your gun between your lips and french kiss until it doesn’t fucking hurt anymore!

… Nope. It’s a nice picture and everything, but after this movie, I’m a goddamn eunuch.

“You [and your daughter] make the same noises in bed.”

“Oh yeah? What else?”

“You like when I do the same things. You have the same pussy smell.”

“We do?”

“Yeah, but you’re better in bed.”

Annnnnd then she reaches for a handjob.

Well, it was nice having eyes for a while, but I guess I’m done with that portion of my life.

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In Canada, No One Can Hear You Scream

30 Jul

What the hell happened to Canada?!

[Editor’s Note: … Is this a trick question?]

Sorry, but I’ve been playing The Last Of Us, and it just makes no sense! What happened to Canada? So, what, an epidemic of mushroom zombies scour the states from one side to another, and the giant ass country right next door is left perfectly alone?

[Editor’s Note: Hmm. Maybe Canada had their own little apocalypse?]

Well, let’s see, what would it be like… it would have to have no infrastructure, or at the very least, a very loose one…

[Editor’s Note: Everyone would be filthy…]

There would be a lot of dead people…

[Editor’s Note: Machines wouldn’t work…]

Maybe references to the prior civilization…

[Editor’s Note: Everyone would drink a lot…]

My god! It was so obvious!

[Editor’s Note: What? What’s so obvious?]

After the apocalypse, Canada became The Final Sacrifice!

[Editor’s Note: My god. Rowsdower preserve us.]

The Human Centipede VIDEO REVIEW

29 Jul

Sooooo did anyone want to see me in a silly scarf along with clips from The Human Centipede? WELL TOO BAD BECAUSE I MADE A HUMAN CENTIPEDE VIDEO REVIEW YOU BASTARDS.

I am so, so sorry.

Can You Feel Omegle Tonight?

28 Jul

Ladies and gentlemen, I am very proud to unveil… the greatest thing I’ve ever made!

Where the hell is it?!

[Editor’s Note: There was a problem with the buckets of fish guts and the strippers needed to dry clean their outfits, so it won’t be hear till tomorrow.]

Well, fuck. Erm. Time to make fun of Omegle!

Ahem!

I want to be your sex slave 😉

Annnnnd congrats, my penis is officially an innie.

Quit sucking my dick you meanie! Let me go!

Let me go! Let me go! Don’t suck me off any more! Let me go! Let me go! Turn away and suck my cock! Here I stand, in a truck stop bathroom! Let the pants pull up… oral gratification never bothered me anyway!

Guys need underwear for support. What do girls need panties for?

Wait, guys need underwear? Somewhere, a man in a kilt is crying.

Probably this man.

I’m female please entertain me

Gotcha, so nothing involving Family Guy.

i love you

Great, not only has Omegle gained sentience, it’s trying to boink me.

I think I still like my ex

I still like my X-Men, does that count?

lets have sex here

GODDAMMIT I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS OMEGLE.

(Besides, trying to fuck a computer is not nearly as fun as it looks. I’d assume.)

penis penis

I don’t know about you, but the new presidential slogan just isn’t doing it for me.

my mom is the best mom in the world

Hmm. There’s only one way to find out… LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO MUMDER DOME!

Oh, come on, can’t we just get BEYOND Mumderdome?

*Thunderdome jokes: 2!*

In The Dark Of The Sewer: C.H.U.D. Review, Part Four

27 Jul

I think C.H.U.D. was really just an educational film about the rules of proper sewer maintenance! Lesson one, don’t raise an army of angry unstoppable mutants. Lesson two, don’t feed hobos to your army of angry unstoppable mutants. Lesson three, trying to stop said army of angry unstoppable mutants by pumping explosive gas through the entire city’s sewer system is THE WORST PLAN.

I MEAN.

COME ON.

THERE IS NO POSITIVE OUTCOME HERE.

And somewhere, Mario is weeping at such shoddy plumbing.

Previously, on C.H.U.D: I got tired of typing down the full acronym every time, and meanwhile, StiffNeck McJackass has decided pumping gas through the entire sewer is the best plan to solve the Chud problem. I remain moderately incredulous.

Ahem!

Down in the sewers, George and Banana Man get ambushed by a Chud, who yanks Banana Man in to a pipe and has his way with him. Aww, young love. George runs off, the smartest thing he’s done so far, and we cut to the Reverend, crawling down in to the sewers. And what does he find, but a gang of Chuds, hanging out with their big pile of nuclear waste that… appears to be spinach! My god, run! They yam what they yam!

The Reverend runs away, and we cut to Lauren wandering down in to the sewers for really no good reason, and finding a dead dog hanging from the ceiling. Worst. Piñata. Ever. We cut over to the Captain, taking his men along to investigate a dead body somebody found by the docks. Annnnnnd it turns out to be his wife, and to show why he is such a likeable character, we immediately cut to him at a bar! I like the way you think, sir. I too have crawled inside the bottle after seeing something horrible! God, Trash Humpers alone had me in that thing for a week.

Lauren calls the cops to come check out the dead dog, and then goes for a shower. But because this is a classier horror flick than usual, we don’t actually see her naked, which I’m sure is disappointing at least one of you in the audience. The pipe clogs up, so she reaches for a coat hanger and stabs it in to the train, which… causes a fountain of blood to shoot out over her! Because… I guess there was a tiny Chud in her shower drain?

We cut over to two cops at a diner, making lecherous comments to the lady behind the counter, until the Chuds attack! My god, no! Not the John Goodman impersonator! Back with Lauren, she’s showered off and gotten dressed, and we get to watch her screw around in her apartment for a bit before cutting to a Chud breaking down the door to her basement. Annnnnd there goes the security deposit.

Down in the sewers, George is still running around with a gun, and he finds his way back to Victor, who has apparently gone feral after such a long period of time down here, and George guns him down. But then, the Old Lady knocks him over! And then, the Reverend knocks her over and saves George! And then Megatron knocks him over- wait, no.

… I suddenly desperately want to see Megatron Versus Chuds.

Over at the diner, there’s a media circus after the murders, and the Captain is furious at TightNecked McJackass for letting the Chud situation get this far. So McJackass decides to solve a problem caused by reckless endangerment… with more reckless endangerment! Yes, it’s time for Operation “That’s Not Air You’re Breathing”! Bring your own terrible fucking ideas!

As the Reverend and George try and escape the sewers before everything is locked up, Lauren gets attacked by a Chud and barricades her apartment. Which works surprisingly well! For her, I mean. For the cops who show up to try and help, they lasted about as long as it takes to read this sentence.

The Reverend and George find the nuclear waste, which is just terrible healthy, and realize that they must have been storing this crap down there for years. And on the less crappy side of the equation, they find the equipment left by the survey team and send out the “Captain Moustache Signal” to try and get some help!

Back with Lauren, she turns off all the lights as the Chud breaks down the door, presumably in a vague hope that he’s actually terrified of the dark, and when he finally gets in, she lures him in to the dark room and tosses chemicals in to his face! So she grabs a sword and gets ready to slice the fucker’s head off, but he bursts through the wall behind her and… starts twisting and elongating his neck like a goddamn snake?

But with more neck, that just means more to slice, and Lauren goes all Red Queen on his ass! She runs off and steals a cop car, and we cut to the Captain giving instructions to the Reverend and George. And while they run off to get out, the Captain talks to McJackass and lets him know that he’s on to his little secret. Soooo McJackass pulls a gun. Yeah, good luck, I’m pretty sure the Captain’s moustache could kick your ass, never mind the rest of him.

The Captain nabs the keys to let the Reverend and George out, and while he’s trying to pry the manhole off, McJackass sneaks up behind him and straight up shoots him! Wow, as long as you’re not cartoonishly evil or anything. He hops in to the truck and tries to run the Reverend and George down, but the Reverend shoots him, and that’s the magic code word to blow up the entire truck! And while George and Lauren have their tearful reunion, so does the Captain and the Reverend! Aww, I really think those crazy kids are going to make it!

Soooo what about the Chuds? I mean, great, you killed that jackass, but… but there’s still an evil army of mutants beneath the city. Plus, with a flaming truck currently parked on the sewer, isn’t that going to… you know, ignite the gas you have running beneath the entire city? Oh, wait, the credits are coming, never mind.

So, that was C.H.U.D! How was it? Holy hell, I can see why it’s a cult movie!

I mean, yeah, it’s pretty cheesy, but it’s so fun! The acting is spot on, the writing can really get you invested in these characters, and the effects were awesome! Definitely check this movie out if you’re looking for something fun and cheesy!

Just… just stay away from Bud The Chud. 

Nobody needs to see that movie.

… That is so not a goddamn Chud.

Journey To The Centre Of The… Er, Sewers: C.H.U.D. Review, Part Three

26 Jul

Alright, after such an important break yesterday, we’re finally back to the delightfully cheesy wonderland of C.H.U.D! 

[Editor’s Note: What the hell do you mean, “important break”, you took a night off to marathon Borderlands 2!]

*blam*

I have spent several hours trying to come up with an alternate acronym and just no. Just… fuck you.

Previously, on C.H.U.D: The homeless populace beneath New York are disappearing one by one, George and his girlfriend Lauren are celebrating her pregnancy, the EPA are trying to cover something up, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses.

Ahem!

Captain Moustache and the Reverend break in to George’s apartment to grab photos of the homeless folks, and find pictures of Victor’s bloody leg. Be careful with that thing, that’s like six different fetishes right there. So the Captain and the Reverend head down to a meeting with the commissioner and somebody from the Nuclear Department of Stiff Upper-Lips. I think he’s just down there to provide the mandatory monocle popping.

They don’t believe a word of this whole “monsters from the sewers eating people” business, until the Reverend threatens to take the pictures they have to the newspapers, and we cut to George and Lauren having a picnic in the park. But suddenly, up walks a man in banana yellow, or as it’s otherwise known, nature’s target practice. He’s an investigative reporter who’s been popping up in the background of the police station, which I did not mention before now in the vague hope that I wouldn’t have to mention this walking lump of starch.

Banana Man tells George about the tail the other day, and we cut back to the meeting. Or, as it’s otherwise known, “Explaining The Plot”. The Nuclear Department (don’t ask me what the actual name is, the guy is so white he’s practically invisible) was going to move nuclear waste through the tunnel systems beneath New York, but somebody found out and put a court order out to stop them. Which means that there’s tons of nuclear waste down there, just sitting there, and being vaguely naughty like all radioactive materials do.

Back with George, Banana Man is using the standard investigative routine of being a colossal asshole until the target tells you things out of pure annoyance, but George is the Alpha Male of being a colossal asshole, and he just hops in a cab and heads off. Presumably while gangster rap plays in the background.

Meanwhile, at the meeting, the Reverend loses his temper at the association of officially registered tight asses who refuse to admit the existence of the monster, and storms out. But when he throws the Nuclear Jackass’s stuff across the room, the Captain finds a document with the name “C.H.U.D” on it. Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller, motherfuckers! Accept no substitutes!

The Jackass explains the name, and after a phone call, tells them it’s dead! Oh yeah, sure, that’s totally why there’s half a movie left and then a sequel. Meanwhile, the Reverend tries to use a pay phone to contact the newspaper, only for some muscly asswad to walk over and… eat the quarter?

I think I dated a girl like that once.

The Captain and the Jackass and the Commissioner all run off to go check out the dead Chud, donning full hazmat suits to keep them safe from residual hobo germs, and we get to see it reflected in the helmet. Now that the thing is dead, Jackass is sending his men down to finish cleaning the tunnels. (Metaphorically, I mean.) And the Captain wants to send some men down too with flame throwers to make sure there aren’t any more Chuds.

“No no no, I positively can’t let you send anyone down there! We can’t afford the attention!”

*one cut later*

“Are… are those fucking flame throwers?”

Yeah, despite the warning, the Captain went ahead and sent his men down too, and now we’ve got a team full of eggheads to do some science, and a team of cops to light said science on fire! IT’S THE BUDDY COMEDY OF THE YEAR! The Captain and the Jackass are watching over the screens, but when the radiation levels start spiking and the cops start burning everything in sight, the camera feeds still end up getting cut off! Wait, an entire squad of Pyros couldn’t stop one Chud?! You’re a disgrace to your TF2 class!

YEAH MAYBE PYRO IS MY FAVOURITE CLASS WHAT OF IT.

After Operation Vast Incompetence has resulted in a… less than favourable success rate, we cut to Jackass and the Captain discussing their options. “Hmm. Okay, I’m going to make a note here. ‘Plan… needs… work…’, and maybe a fatality rate less than 100% would be slightly optional.” Back with George, he realizes that all of his photos have been taken, and calls up the Banana Man. Down in to the sewers to solve the police cover-up they shall go!

(Geez, this Dead Rising origin story is weird.)

The Captain runs in to the Reverend at his soup kitchen, and gives him the lowdown on the Chuds. Oh, and he explains that the Jackass wants to flood the entire tunnel system with gas to kill the Chuds. It’s… wow, it’s amazing, this is officially the dumbest plan anybody has ever had ever. I mean, good god, the best case scenario with that plan is that you drive an army of angry mutants to tear apart the populace of New York, and the worst case scenario, involves… well, you know, BLOWING UP THE ENTIRE CITY!

You are great at problem solving.

Anyway, while the Banana Man and George are skulking around the sewers with a gun and the Jackass starts flooding the gas, the Reverend gets locked in to his cellar by that muscly asshat from earlier. Oh, and Crazy Ron is here again! Why, hello, Ron, how’s tricks?

“AND WHEN THE LORD OF THE MUTANT FLIES SHALL STRIKE HIS PITCHFORK AGAINST THE ASS OF HEAVEN ITSELF, A CROWN OF THORNS SHALL REACH THROUGH OUR COLONS AND SWAP OUR GENITALS!”

I’m going to assume that’s a good thing.

… Well, now that’s just fucking terrifying.

I Am Terrible At My Job

25 Jul

Quick, I need to think of an excuse not to write a post today!

[Editor’s Note: I… wait, what? What are you talking about?]

I got busy, working on some side projects, trying and failing to accomplish anything in Baldur’s Gate 2, and I so don’t have time to write a post today!

[Editor’s Note: Well, who’s fault is that? Wait, does that mean you’re starting to write a post… five minutes from your deadline?]

… I will neither confirm nor deny.

[Editor’s Note: Oh, wow. You are roundly fucked. In each orifice. In alphabetical order. Starting with the ear canal, and progressing counter-clockwise.]

YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

[Editor’s Note: No lube, either. Or condoms. Just fuckin’. They probably have an STI too. Just sayin’.]

STOP TALKING NOW.