Let It Go, Let It Go, Seriously, Let This Damn Movie Go: The Frozen Review, Part Four

1 Jul

Happy birthday, Canada! Here’s your present: A GODDAMN MOVIE THAT JUST WON’T GODDAMN END!

I’M PRAYING FOR THIS MOVIE TO END, DOES THAT COUNT?!

Previously, on The Frozen: I… I think something happened? Yeah, Irritating Hag is stranded in the middle of the woods, and some creepy jackass is wandering around just to be a jackass. I mean, you know, he killed her boyfriend, but I’m pretty sure she was planning to do that anyway.

Ahem!

Despite trying to hike back to the truck, she somehow ends up back at the camp, because I guess she made camp in fucking Silent Hill. So, back to bed! Again. She wakes up in the middle of the night to more creepy noises (again), and spies somebody walking in the woods. Again. Jesus tapdancing cocks, THIS MOVIE IS A MÖBIUS STRIP!

While staying up to… light her socks on fire (… okay then), she pulls out her knife to cut strips of cloth from a blanket, and the next morning, she hikes through the woods and ties the strips to random trees. Okay, what exactly is your end goal here? Hoping that if a trail was supposed to lead you back to the truck, then making a new fucking trail with take you back to a completely different truck?!

Suddenly, the Hag hears a helicopter overhead, and she tries to spot it so she can get an idea of where it was coming from so she can hike to civilisation- oh, wait, I’m sorry, that’s a plan for NON-INSANE PEOPLE. No no no, she runs all the way back to the camp, gathers some wood, then runs all the way to the snowmobile, empties the gas tank in a big bucket, runs back to the camp to start a fire, then throws the gas on the fire!

YOU ARE BAD AT DECISION MAKING.

So, yeah, I know this is going to shock you, but the helicopter? Doesn’t see it! I know, fucking shocking! And later at night, the Hag sits at the fire and starts talking to her fetus.

Yeah, remember what I said about “non-insane people”? Maybe want to highlight that, add a couple of exclamation points.

Yeah, that’s about right.

The Hag falls asleep by the fire and dreams that a redneck is sitting there too and by that, I mean jump scare! When she wakes up, cue more ambient scary noises! I swear, I drink every time this movie is fucking tedious. It’s not a drinking game, mind, it’s a coping mechanism.

She finds somebody in a dress wandering the forest, and follows her around for a bit until she reveals that she’s actually a jump scare. Er, I mean, scary face! Ooga booga so scary!

Drink.

So the Hag runs back to her tent and falls asleep, and when she wakes up, somebody is very slowly opening the tent. Yes, yes, substandard zipper work is my nightmare too. Annnnnd then the tent starts shaking, and then she wakes up again! Now she’s in a big fancy house in a slinky dress while somebody stares at her from a reflection! OH GEE I WONDER IF THIS IS A DREAM TOO WELL IT’S JUST SO SUBTLE I GUESS IT HAS TO BE REAL.

She wanders from room to room slowly, as a pair of twins stand in the background with poor focus and obvious pregnant bellies, and she runs across a ballerina toy and a man sitting angrily at a dining room table and a short man in a suit and a Halloween mask while he pushes a stroller around, and other symbolism that the director is proudly jerking himself off over. Blah blah blah blah jump scare jump scare jump scare, and she wakes up again!

And then Leonardo DiCaprio’s wife shows up and hits her with a train!

Dammit.

So, anyway, she wakes up again! Walks around the forest, finds a doll, walks back to the tent, sees the redneck, and chase scene. With… a guitar solo in the background? My god, she’s not running from a murderer, she’s running from fucking Papa Roach! Edit my film in to pieces, this is my last resort!

The Hag runs across your industry standard serial killer cabin, filled with dead animals and chainsaws and such, and hides in there to escape the killer. Oh, yeah, totally don’t grab the chainsaw or anything, we don’t want this movie to get actually GOOD all of a sudden.

It works, and when he leaves, she runs off to a different cabin, which… is apparently fucking there now! SURE! THAT MAKES FUCKING SENSE!

She falls asleep again, because apparently she took a ton of Xanax before starting this film, and in the night, she sees a bunch of people wandering around with torches. She tries to ask for help, but they’re all zombified, so she dashes in to the cabin as they start to try and beat down the doors. My god, Jehova’s Witnesses just got fucking metal.

Suddenly, they stop! For… for no real reason! Guess they’re as disinterested in this as I am. The next morning-

WHAT?! WHY IS IT MORNING AGAIN?! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BASIC UNITS OF TIME?! OH GOD, SPACE IS WARPED, TIME IS BENDABLE, UP IS DOWN, LEFT IS RIGHT, AND THIS IS THE BEST USE OF MY FUCKING TIME!

Wait, no, that last one is actually true.

The Hag starts running through the forest and finds her way in to a small town, but when she heads in to the diner, everyone is completely ignoring her! Just like they did to this movie, I guess. But it turns out, the killer is there too! Oh, thank god, just put this movie out of both of our misery.

Anyway, as it turns out, the snowmobile crash killed both the Irritating Hag AND the Unlikeable Bastard, and the Killer Redneck is actually just Death, and he’s here to take the to the next world.

Um. No. I’m sorry, nice “twist” and everything, but they didn’t fucking die. I am speaking of personal experience here, of course, and believe me when I say that when you crash a snowmobile, the snow is actually really soft! Seriously, all they did was hit snow, and the snow was the least painful part of the whole ordeal! I got buggered more just flippin’ over the cocksucking handlebars then I did landing on the snow!

Or, in other words:

So! That was The Frozen! How was it?

Just play the clip again.

That about sums it up.

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2 Responses to “Let It Go, Let It Go, Seriously, Let This Damn Movie Go: The Frozen Review, Part Four”

  1. Emma July 2, 2014 at 2:14 pm #

    Sweet baby Jesus, your reviews aer pure comedy. Never ever stop, PLEASE! My mouth hurts now because of all that laughing.

    • averystrangeplace July 2, 2014 at 4:02 pm #

      Aww, thank you! It’s comments like that that keep me from snapping and hunting down these directors with a rusty copy of “I Spit On Your Grave” and burying them in a shallow grave outside of a greasy diner joint by the Perimeter Highway-

      That comment got away from me.

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