And The Lord Sayeth, Rock Out: Rock, It’s Your Decision Review, Part One

3 Jul

Disclaimer: I am not anti-religion, holy peeps of the world! I would be making these jokes no matter who put out this 80’s PSA about the evils of rock music, and hey, to be fair, every damn Christian I know would be busting a gut at these goddamn morons!

Trippy movie posters, it’s your decision!

Rock, It’s Your Decision is a 1980’s propaganda film about the evils of rock and roll, because apparently people had that much time on their hands before porn was invented! Seriously, any Christian people in the audience, is this a thing? Do you actually get sent to hell for liking The Eagles? I mean, if God was going to judge you for any genre of music, you’d think mopey teen warbling would get you a ticket to the coals. Might explain whatever the hell happened to Papa Roach.

Ahem!

Today’s propaganda film opens with stock footage of a concert, before cutting to the house of Jeff, getting screamed at by his mother about turning his music off. Ah, yes, the invention of the headphones saved many a teenager’s life. Jeff gets miffed and drives to the church in his Angry Teenage-Mobile, while his mother calls his youth pastor to “remind Jeff what the Bible says about obedience”. It was either that or swat Jeff with the newspaper and make him smell what he did.

At the church… churchy thing, Jeff asks God for forgiveness about the whole “yelled at his mom” thing, and meanwhile, his friends chat about how they wish the service was over. Which… is the most accurate thing so far, so yeah, kudos.

When Jeff gets home, he apologizes to his mother and then goes to bed and listens to a rock song which is nothing but the words “devils and demons” over and over again. You have the WEIRDEST PORN.

The following morning, the mother meets up with the youth pastor, Father Owen, who says “Hmm, yes, he’s all rebellious and sassy? Well, it’s clearly that rock and roll.”.

“Kids identify with their music so closely that when somebody attacks the music, they take it as a personal attack on the kid them-self.”

Oh, yes, that’s very true. That’s why if you stab a Nickleback album through the heart with a sharpened stake, suddenly thousands of assholes with terrible taste in music will vomit up blood and they’ll have no idea why.

… Are they trying to one-up each other with stupid hair?

Father Owen advises the mother to start learning about rock music, and points out that Jeff could find the same scriptural reasons that soap operas are bad as she could why rock music is bad. Sooooo soap operas will also send you to hell? That explains why my TV shoots out fire if you try and play Days Of Our Lives backwards.

Owen advises her to try love (yeah, I don’t think THAT will work, her heart is clearly long dead), and we cut to him meeting with Jeff after a church service. Jeff explains that he’s trying to serve God, but rock music makes it just so hard! Look, I know this is hard to explain, but I seriously doubt that God gives a fuck about your music. Unless you play Judas Priest around him, which in that case, video tape it because it’s probably fucking hilarious.

So, they talk about how a Christian must make sure that the music they listen to must not be an embarrassment to God, because I guess God must blush easy, and Father Owen makes a bet: For two weeks, Jeff doesn’t to listen to rock music, and in the meanwhile, he must research rock music to decide whether or not it’s in the will of God! And if Jeff wins, I guess… I dunno, maybe he’ll make Father Owen do smack off a hooker or perform a service balls deep in a bible or something.

(Wow. You know, there is such a thing as giving me too many opportunities for a joke. I feel like my funny bone is getting friction burns.)

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2 Responses to “And The Lord Sayeth, Rock Out: Rock, It’s Your Decision Review, Part One”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Though I Walk Through The Valley Of A Rocking Guitar Solo: Rock, It’s Your Decision Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 4, 2014

    […] Previously, on Rock, It’s Your Decision: Jeff has started acting out against his parents, and by that, I mean snapping at his mother before begging God for forgiveness, and it’s clearly because of all that darn rock and roll! So his youth minister, Father Owen, says that he’s not allowed to listen to rock music for two weeks and he has to scripturally prove why God says rock music is okay! And Jeff agrees, because *SMOKEBOMB* […]

  2. Jesus Wept, And Then He Freakin’ ROCKED: Rock, It’s Your Decision Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 5, 2014

    […] Previously, on Rock, It’s Your Decision: Jeff, a man who’s personality is whatever anybody tells him it is, wrestles with the idea of loving rock and roll despite being a Christian. And preaches about how evil it is, because he can apparently change what his opinion is on a dime. […]

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