Jesus Wept, And Then He Freakin’ ROCKED: Rock, It’s Your Decision Review, Part Three

5 Jul

I think the really funny thing about this whole “God will send you to hell for liking rock and roll” schtick is that I actually have a church town called “The Church of Rock”. Maybe it’s just really ironic? Or maybe it’s a big trap, and any sinners who come in looking for a cult that worships KISS will be fed to the land shark.

Oh, did I mention you could find this whole thing on YouTube? Yeah, you can find this whole thing on YouTube.

Previously, on Rock, It’s Your Decision: Jeff, a man who’s personality is whatever anybody tells him it is, wrestles with the idea of loving rock and roll despite being a Christian. And preaches about how evil it is, because he can apparently change what his opinion is on a dime.

Ahem!

Jeff and Dopple-Jeff get invited to a party by Marty, but suddenly, people put on rock music! My god, the horror! So Jeff picks a fight with his girlfriend and storms out, because I guess an instrumental rock riff is against the will of God. No, seriously, what the hell? There aren’t any lyrics here, just a guitar solo, so why is it so evil? Oh, right, because it makes you feel emotion. Whatever you say, Jeffrey of Borg.

With all of his friends suitably insulted and all of his bridges thoroughly burnt, Jeff drives home and… starts blasting rock music? Wait, what? You get in a fight with all of your friends because of rock music so you go home and fucking rock out? You hypocritical son of a bitch, and speaking of which, when his mother tells him to turn it off, he calls her a hypocrite because she likes soap operas. 

… Somebody needs to kick your ass, Jeff.

*SLAP*

Thank you, Jeff’s mom!

My god. This is better than sex.

Yes, she slaps Jeff up the head, and he starts driving through the night, and flashing back to every single thing that’s happened in this movie. My god, I think Jeff’s finally snapped! He’s hearing voices! I see a clock tower and a rifle in this kid’s future!

Jeff drives up a mountain and starts having a conversation with God, which I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt and assume that that’s something religious people do and not Jeff finally giving in to the madness. After a while, God has apparently explained the plot, and he drives back to the party to talk to his girlfriend.

“Dopple-Jeff! I need to talk to you.”

“Um. Okay, Jeff. Is this going to be a conversation about the evils of rock and roll?”

“No, no, of course not!”

“Alright, go ahead!”

“… You are all terrible people and you’re going to hell for liking rock and roll-”

“Yeah, we’re done here.”

We cut to the next day, where Jeff is giving a sermon at his church… wait. A sermon at the end of a long and unbearable movie? OH GOD, IT’S LIFE OF DEATHS ALL OVER AGAIN! ABANDON MOVIE, WOMEN AND CRITICS FIRST!

“How many of you plan to leave church tonight to go get drunk? Or how many are planning to shoot up some heroine or smoke a joint?”

“If you’re shocked by these questions, or think they’re a little funny, maybe you should take a closer look at your musical selection.”

He’s not saying they’re on par, of course, he’s saying he stashed some heroine in everyone’s record collection.

“Personally, I like rock music! The flesh, I mean, the carnal part of me really likes rock!”

And like all things, enjoying something is an emotion, and emotion is a sin. Suppress is at once.

“But what about the spiritual part of me? Aren’t we supposed to pray?”

Well, yeah, but as long as you’re not fucking head-banging while you ask for forgiveness, I don’t see a lot of overlap there.

“I know what you’re thinking; ‘Hey, I listen to rock music, but I can control it!’ But I don’t think that’s right.”

‘Control it’? It’s a song, you’re not wrestling an alligator.

“Just walk in to some record store that’s playing a really good get down beat, and see what the music does to you!”

First of all, you are way too white to be saying “get down beat”, and secondly, is that seriously the whole point of this sermon? ‘If you like rock music, then you can’t like God’? I’m starting to think God is actually a really possessive girlfriend who doesn’t like you talking to any other deity.

Dude, it’s not that simple: Listen to rock music… and also follow your God. They’re not mutually fucking exclusive!

“Have you ever seen a rock concert on TV, or maybe been to one in person? How did the audience react to the music? Well? Did they just sit quietly in their seats and listen? I know I wouldn’t. No, they were all in mass, swaying and clapping and jumping to the beat! They were actually being controlled!”

… Oh, for fuck’s sake. Yes, dancing to music means you have no will and will die as a soulless minion of evil. Of fucking course.

I am so glad the word “sheeple” didn’t exist when they made this movie.

“I did a survey out at the mall, four out of five teenagers said that the lyrics weren’t important as long as the music was good.”

Well yeah, but nobody likes teenagers, so that’s fine.

“Whenever I hear a good beat, I just start singin’ right along, without even thinking or caring about what I was saying!”

Wait, you can sing the lyrics without thinking about them? My god, Jeff is a sorcerer!

“But aren’t we supposed to have the mind of Christ?!”

Yeah, but it turns out Jesus is a huge Queen fan.

“What are the main themes of rock music?!”

Yes, because all freaking rock music has the exact same themes. Rock bands actually exist in a form of a hive mind, that’s why Nirvana can hear in six dimensions.

“When I went through my own record collection, I was shocked!”

Not by the music, mind, Marty just booby-trapped it up to a power line.

“Isn’t sex a major theme of rock music? And the occult? And the lifestyles of some of the major groups and artists! Some are even admitted homosexuals!”

… Oh.

… So that’s what all this was about.

*pinch bridge of nose between fingers*

Fuck. You. Jeff.

... I should really add "Jeff" to that.

… I should really add “Jeff” to that.

“Others brag about how many people they have sex with!”

Or, in other words, every teenager ever.

“Some have even died.”

… Oh, darn, I could have sworn rock stars were immortal.

“Here’s a song by The Eagles, used to be one of my favourite songs, ‘One Of These Nights’: The full moon is calling, the fever is high, and the wicked wind whispers and moans. You got your demons, you got desires, well, I got a few of my own. And later on, the lyrics go on! I’ve been searching for the daughter of the devil himself, I’ve been waiting for an angel in white. I’ve been waiting for a woman who’s a little of both, and I can feel her, but she’s nowhere in sight.”

And then, one week later, Jeff promptly hanged himself after listening to Hotel California.

“And listen how many of these songs have to do with Satanism or the occult! Sympathy For The Devil-”

(Which is actually about the evil of man.)

” – Dancing With Mr. D-”

(Which is about Death, not the Devil.)

” – Devil’s Den- ”

(Okay, fine, I have no fucking clue what this one is about, but I’m bettin’ it ain’t the Devil.)

” – Dance With The Dragon-”

(It’s a dragon, not the Devil.)

“- Evil Ways- ”

(THE FIRST FUCKING LINE IS “YOU’VE GOT TO CHANGE YOUR EVIL WAYS”! HOW DO YOU SCREW THAT UP?!)

“- Soul Sacrifice-”

(IT’S AN INSTRUMENTAL TRACK!)

“And listen to these from the group ACDC: Rock and Roll Damnation, Let There Be Rock, Highway To Hell, and this is my favourite right here, Hell’s Not A Bad Place To Be!”

WELL I’D RATHER BE IN HELL THEN IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE!

Anyway, lets wrap this crap up. Jeff reads off a list of sexual album titles with a look like he’s trying to rape the audience, blah blah blah, and he smashes his rock albums. And presumably a shard of the record flies off and takes somebody’s freaking eye out, because that’s the only way to make this a happy ending.

So! That was Rock, It’s Your Decision!

GRAAAAH!

Look, if this is actually what you believe in- that rock music is against your religion or tastes or whatever, that’s fine! The philosophy isn’t the problem here! The problem is just how mean and dark this stupid film is! It’s fifty minutes of a kid’s authority figures taking away the one thing he likes, forcing him to conform to their idea of religion and righteousness, and severing any ties that might interfere with that! I feel kinda bad calling this a Christian film, because every Christian I know would be just as freaking infuriated by it!

So, in summary, allow me to express my opinion of this movie in a quote from my favourite rock song: Good for nothin’, bad in bed, nobody likes you, you’re better off dead, goodbye! We’ve all come to say goodbye! Born defeated, died in vain, super destructive, you were hooked on pain and though your music lingers on, all of us are glad you’re gone! If I could live my life half as worthlessly as you, I’m convinced that I’d wind up burning too!

2 Responses to “Jesus Wept, And Then He Freakin’ ROCKED: Rock, It’s Your Decision Review, Part Three”

  1. Alexander Dunwall July 6, 2014 at 6:16 am #

    So, I take it you’re not Christian?
    If I may ask, what are you — if anything.
    Personally, I am Agnostic (if you don’t know, it’s basically that you don’t believe nor disbelieve in a God or greater power or that you know there is a greater power but you don’t wish to associate with a religion that defines what that greater power is. Kind of like the grey area between Christianity and Atheism.)

    • averystrangeplace July 6, 2014 at 1:01 pm #

      Oh, I worship Sithrak, The Blind Gibberer! He’s why life is cruel and insensible! When you die, Sithrak tortures you forever whether you were good or not! No matter how bad your life is, it gets worse after! Stay alive as long as you can! Nothing you can do will make Sithrak angry, he was angry already! So why not convert to Sithrak, the God Who Hates You Unconditionally? Sithrak’s gonna fuck you up when you die! No worse than me, mind!

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