Mother Knows Best, Apparently: Maternal Instincts Review, Part One

7 Jul

Oh me, oh my, a psychological thriller? Made by the Lifetime Network?! Involving a terrible pun about pregnancy?! People, get excited, because things are going to get weird.

“Her biological clock kept ticking, then it exploded”? Oh, jesus tapdancing cocks.

Yeah, spoiler warning, the only reason I know Maternal Instinct exists is a list I found called “The Ten Worst Lifetime Movies”, and despite the Lifetime Network’s reputation for dreadful original movies, I’ve never actually seen any of them! So I picked the number one choice, shrugged my shoulders, and here we are!

Ahem!

After the Paramount logo and holy fuck, I cannot remember the last time I saw that on here, we open to a relaxing morning in a suburb! The sun is shining, birds are chirping, it’s an inky dinky doo dah morning and all that crap, and all the while, we hear somebody creepily sing “Mockingbird” very quietly. Well, congrats, Lifetime, you scared me more in one minute than any other film has all year.

We finally settle in one house, and we see- a wall of staring china dolls.

I AM OUT OF URINE AND NOW I AM PISSING BLOOD SOLELY OUT OF MY BODY’S NEED TO PISS MY PANTS.

We finally see our singer, who is knitting something, presumably a hangman’s cloak or something else fucking terrifying, in a room full of baby ecoutrement. But surprisingly no baby, and speak of the squawling little fuckheads, we cut to a maternity ward full of screaming babies!

Our creepy, creepy singer is one of the nurses, and her and another nurse stand around and condemn one of the mother’s for using drugs. That’s what I think, anyway, because apparently somebody involved in the production decided to completely mic the fucking screaming baby! Holy hell, every time this little parasite takes a breath, I can feel my vas deferens severing themselves.

Finally, before I lose the will to live, a business man on his cell phone swings by and takes Nurse Creepy away to discuss a party and oh my god was that seriously a cell phone in the nineties?! Jesus, that’s not a phone, that’s a fucking baseball bat with performance issues.

Swing, batter batter!

The business man is her husband, who is all brash and mean and doesn’t care about her feelings and yes, yes, Lifetime, we get it, penises are the root of all evil. Mind gettin’ on with it? Nurse Creepy says that they should go to a fertility expert to get her pregnant, and one jump later, they’re there! And the husband is completely ignorant and confused about the whole situation, because penis equals dumb.

The fertility expert explains how the surgery is supposed to work, which pretty much boils down to opening the lady up like a Chinese take-out box and stickin’ some sperm in there with a turkey baster. (Stop me if I’m getting to technical for you.) The expert warns them that the odds of this working is very low, but they decide to go ahead with it anyway and JUMPCUT.

Holy hell, think you gave me whiplash on that one.

While Nurse Creepy is on lunch with her friend, she spies a cradle she’d like in a shop window, but she doesn’t buy it because apparently her husband, Stan, owns all the money! And just before you start sympathizing with her, when her friend offers to give her a good job when she has the baby to tide her over, Nurse Creepy proceeds to look directly in to the camera and proclaim that anybody who works after they have a baby is pure evil.

… Annnnnd every mother in a one hundred degree radius is suddenly pissed off and they have no idea why.

One terrible jump cut later, we cut to Nurse Creepy showing Stan the cradle she just bought, and he says that it’s nice, but maybe she could avoid this crap until, you know, she’s actually flippin’ pregnant?! Dude, is this the first time you’ve realized this? She opened the movie by singing lullibies to a knitting project in a room full of glass eyed dolls, buying a nice cradle isn’t even a blip on the crazy meter.

… Nope, still ain’t in the ballpark.

We cut to the surgery, where the head doctor draws everyone’s attention to a monitor! An off screen monitor, because apparently we can’t afford a freaking TV screen. The head doctor comes out, and tells Stan and the friend the bad news: Nurse Creepy has cancer on her ovaries, and they can either cut one ovary out, cut both ovaries out, or just close her back up again and pretend nothing happened. Possibly while whistling innocently and backing away slowly.

So, there’s the dilemma: Cutting out both of them will ensure that she will have the highest chance of survival, but that means she won’t be able to have a baby. The doctor says that they can wait a bit before deciding, so they can wake her up and let Nurse Creepy decide, but Stan says screw that, gut her like a turkey! And sadly, the jackass has control, so the doctor shrugs her shoulders and gets hackin’!

When Nurse Creepy wakes up, the Doctor tells her the bad news, and Nurse Creepy asks why they didn’t just kill her! Ah, yeah, you’re just fucking queen of reasonable responses, aren’t you? Seriously, the hell? Having Stan decide to let them operate is definitely dreadful, and he should never have been given control, but… lady, adoption is an option! You don’t have to go all “life is paaaain” you just cause you can’t squirt the kid out yourself, you can still adopt and raise a perfectly healthy child! Unless, of course, you assume an emotional connection is impossible unless they’ve actually been inside you.

… Oh, wait, that’s assuming that Nurse Creepy isn’t a manic psychopath. Never mind, full speed ahead!

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4 Responses to “Mother Knows Best, Apparently: Maternal Instincts Review, Part One”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Are You My Mummy? Because I Certainly Hope Not: Maternal Instincts Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 8, 2014

    […] Previously, on Maternal Instincts: Nurse Creepy and her jackass husband Stan are trying to have a baby, but during a surgery to do the deed, they discover that she has cancer on her ovaries and Stan has the Doctor scoop ‘em out like they’re cleanin’ out a jack o’ lantern! […]

  2. Mommy Dearest Ain’t Got Nothin’ On This: Maternal Instinct Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 9, 2014

    […] Previously, on Maternal Instincts: Nurse Creepy, the resident psychopathic murderous melodramatic jackass, has begun her murderous revenge! She’s already off’d her dick of a husband, and now she’s on to the Doctor who insisted on touching her sides during the operation. Cooking oil is involved, as well as emptying the poor woman’s medication to prevent miscarriages, because this is the goddamn Aquafresh of travesties! “The white layer makes my skin crawl, the green layer is for killing babies, and the blue layer is for healthy gums!” […]

  3. I Think You’re Confusing “Maternal” With “Psychotic”: Maternal Instincts Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 10, 2014

    […] Previously, on Maternal Instincts: In Nurse Creepy’s quest for revenge against some poor Doctor doing her job, she’s decided to endanger the lives of every single one of her patients. I’d say it makes more sense in context, but that would be a bald faced lie. […]

  4. May Actually Be LONGER Than A Lifetime Network: Maternal Instincts Review, Part Five | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 11, 2014

    […] Previously, on Maternal Instincts: Nurse Creepy is still continuing her lifelong quest to ruin her Doctor’s life, as usual, only now, she murdered her best friend too! OUR PROTAGONIST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. […]

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