Are You My Mummy? Because I Certainly Hope Not: Maternal Instincts Review, Part Two

8 Jul

Oh, joy. My mother’s birthday is today, and how do I celebrate it? By reviewing a film featuring the most psychotic disgrace of the concept of motherhood since Mommy Dearest! OH JOYOUS FREAKING DAY!

Pictured: A Killer Instinct sequel that went terribly wrong.

Previously, on Maternal Instincts: Nurse Creepy and her jackass husband Stan are trying to have a baby, but during a surgery to do the deed, they discover that she has cancer on her ovaries and Stan has the Doctor scoop ’em out like they’re cleanin’ out a jack o’ lantern!

(Oh god, I am going to hell for that.)

Ahem!

We cut to the Doctor meeting up with her architect husband in their fancy shiny house with a “for sale” sign out front, as he shows off a gift he grabbed for their up-coming child. You know, I think I like this new movie better. Yes, the Doctor is pregnant too, which I’m sure Nurse Creepy is going to appreciate when she finds out, and they make it clear that the Doctor lost a previous child. Oh, joy. Dead babies.

… Now it feels like the kind of movie I’d usually review!

After her husband comforts the Doctor over the guilt she feels about the procedure, we cut to Stan and Nurse Creepy. Stan is still being a jackass, and Creepy is… being fucking creepy. She’s twitchy, erratic, riffling through baby catalogues, and presumably skinning hobos in her spare time.

Stan suggests adopting if she truly wishes a family, but Nurse Creepy says “it doesn’t count if there’s not me inside it”. Um. Okay, I’m just going to pretend that that’s a special “mother” thing, and not the preamble to a serial killer. Annnnd then she starts tearing the cradle apart as she freaks out!

Nurse Creepy visits another doctor, who informs her that although the hysterectomy was the best choice, there were other choices, and so Creepy pledges her vengeance. But when he informs her that the only reason the Doctor performed the procedure was because Stan told her to, we cut… to a relaxing cabin?

I think the movie is getting bored with itself.

Stan is up in a cabin for… some reason, and Nurse Creepy drives down to give him hell over the choice. He defends it, saying that he did it because he wanted to spare her a long fight with cancer that would have just ended in the same choice. True, your heart was in the right place, but your head was so far up your own ass that your speech therapist doubles as a proctologist.

When Stan tries to hug away her emotional trauma, she shoves him back and smashes his head over a log, she smiles, annnnnnd he’s dead now! Cut to the funeral!

Wait, what?! She’s a murderer now?! Holy fuck, I thought this was Grey’s Anatomy: We’ve Officially Stopped Caring, but apparently this is I Spit On Your Grave, Baby Edition!

I Spit On Your Uterus!

At the funeral, Nurse Creepy’s friends are all caring and helpful, and we cut to her settling the details of the estate. She wants to use her new-found wealth to ruin the Doctor’s life, and are we just going to ignore the fact that she fucking killed her husband? Seriously, nobody figured that out? Nobody had any questions? How the hell did she get away with this?! WAKE THE HELL UP, MORONS!

The lawyers tell Creepy that she can’t sue the Doctor, because she did give Stan full control prior to the surgery, but she still insists on going ahead with this and heads out to collect complaints against the Doctor to make her lose her license. She asks one of her friends from the hospital if she’s heard anything bad, but not only is the Doctor well loved by all and the top of her field, a nearby baby sends Creepy in to a psychotic break!

… No, literally. She bursts in to tears, and runs in to the bathroom to start screaming at the top of her lungs and slamming in to all of the walls. Okay, we’ve officially gone from “terrifying” to “unintentionally hilarious”. I didn’t know the reason you wanted a baby was so you could have someone who is somehow less mature than you are!

We cut to Nurse Creepy eating buckets of ice cream and Chinese food in front of the TV, because it’s important to perpetuate female stereotypes, until she ends up watching an interview by the Doctor. The Doctor is talking about a special drug you inject to prevent miscarriages… and then she states that she’s pregnant.

Nurse Creepy takes it well.

She tosses her… indistinctly coloured ice cream at the TV, yells some more, and we cut to her at the hospital, taking down an address. Next thing you know, she’s at the Doctor’s house with a real estate agent, looking it over to buy. … For about ten seconds, then she just leaves! You know, usually I’d say there’s a method to her madness, but I’m guessing madness all on it’s own is just fine for her.

Once she leaves, Creepy suddenly stops, turns back around, and sneaks in to the house all on her lonesome this time. And now she… creepily wanders through the house, rummaging through all her papers, trying on the maternity clothes, and presumably rubbing her metaphorical dick on everything. But then she finds… the injection needles, right next to the miscarriage drugs she’s been taking.

Oh no. 

Nurse Creepy takes the container of drugs, and then grabs… a jug of cooking oil.

WE’RE DONE HERE.

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3 Responses to “Are You My Mummy? Because I Certainly Hope Not: Maternal Instincts Review, Part Two”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Mommy Dearest Ain’t Got Nothin’ On This: Maternal Instinct Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 9, 2014

    […] on Maternal Instincts: Nurse Creepy, the resident psychopathic murderous melodramatic jackass, has begun her murderous […]

  2. I Think You’re Confusing “Maternal” With “Psychotic”: Maternal Instincts Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 10, 2014

    […] on Maternal Instincts: In Nurse Creepy’s quest for revenge against some poor Doctor doing her job, […]

  3. May Actually Be LONGER Than A Lifetime Network: Maternal Instincts Review, Part Five | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 11, 2014

    […] on Maternal Instincts: Nurse Creepy is still continuing her lifelong quest to ruin her […]

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