I Think You’re Confusing “Maternal” With “Psychotic”: Maternal Instincts Review, Part Four

10 Jul

I’m pretty sure I’m going to end this review with a paralysing fear of all mothers. I swear, I’ll walk in to a maternity ward and start screaming, “OH GOD, NOT THE COOKING OIL! NOT THE COOKING OIL!”.

I’m also going to develop a phobia of this fucking poster.

Previously, on Maternal InstinctsIn Nurse Creepy’s quest for revenge against some poor Doctor doing her job, she’s decided to endanger the lives of every single one of her patients. I’d say it makes more sense in context, but that would be a bald faced lie.

Ahem!

We get a montage of all the patients whose lives are going to be fucked over by our “protagonist”, before cutting to Nurse Creepy meeting with her friend about the job. Annnnnd cue business-babble! Seriously, all this crap about the inner workings of the architecture business? I’m guessing whoever wrote this drivel was an architect with a hard-on for pregnant psychopaths.

… I really hope that’s not an actual demographic out there.

Now that she’s in tight with a architecture business, she calls up the Doctor’s husband to set up a business meeting, and all the while she furiously grinds pencils in to a pad of paper. Wait, what? Why is hatin’ on the husband all of sudden? I guess his penis touched the Doctor, so that means he must be evil.

We cut to the Doctor meeting up with a patient, who is… happy… about her pregnancy.

*twitch, twitch*

ARRRRRGH! ARRRRRRGH! ARRRRRRGH!

Slowly, the Doctor starts to put the pieces together, and realizes that patient after patient is coming in and asking about their messed up test results, and so far, nobody has guessed that Nurse Creepy is playing the part of the Joker to her Batman. Annnnd I’m suddenly imagining a scene where she walks up to the Doctor, tears her own pants off and asks the Doctor where she got these scars, and now I will never be happy again.

Pictured: Her ovaries. Apparently.

After a shot of Nurse Creepy plotting more evil, we cut to the Doctor hanging out with her husband as he gives her some good news! Aww, how nice! … And terrifying, because absolutely everything in this movie is fucking miserable.

We cut to the Doctor and her boss at work, while an investigator is talking about… well, investigating why everything has suddenly gone to shit! And then we cut again, to the Doctor finally realizing that things keep getting moved around her house. Wait… they keep getting moved around the house?

… Has Nurse Creepy been breaking in here every day while she’s at work to move her furniture around, just to fuck with her?!

Holy fuck. Jesus tapdancing cocks, that is some DEDICATED psychopathy.

Okay, okay, lets get this over with. We cut to the Doctor coming out of a supermarket with her groceries, while Nurse Creepy stalks her from… nowhere, actually, she’s just kind of standing out there in the open, staring at her, and the Doctor doesn’t notice a thing. I think you rolled a zero on your listen check, miss.

So, Nurse Creepy pushes a huge collection of shopping carts at the Doctor, which somehow manages to hit her directly, despite the fact that it’s angled in completely the wrong direction. Well, it’s nice to know that Nurse Creepy is apparently a motherfucking wizard. 

Anyway, it hits her, and she’s taken in to the hospital with three cracked ribs. Man, it cracked her ribs? Either she has hollow bird bones, or maybe Nurse Creepy has the proportionate strength of a creepy nurse. And Nurse Creepy shows up at the hospital under the guise of giving flowers, but refuses to give them over until the receptionist tells her if the Doctor is still pregnant.

Wow. Very sneaky, I’m sure nobody will think that that is out of the ordinary.

The receptionist refuses to divulge the information, so Creepy slams the flowers on the desk and storms out, and over with the recovering Doctor, she tells her husband that she doesn’t think it was an accident. BRILLIANT DETECTIVE WORK! Next you’re going to tell me that that the psychopathic nurse is a bit unhinged.

We cut to the husband asking a policeman to check all these various creepy things out, and speak of the devil, we then cut to Creepy being left in charge of the architecture business! She calls to arrange a meeting with the husband the second that her friend is out the door, but when the friend walks back in, she hears Creepy plotting evil!

Annnnnnnd then she just shrugs her shoulders and leaves anyway.

*pinch bridge of nose between fingers*

While the Doctor is recouping at home, her boss comes in and lets her know that somebody has leaked the fact that they’re getting investigated to the newspaper. (Here I am, taking a stand for convoluted sentence structure.)  And we cut to Nurse Creepy and the husband having their meeting about a building under construction! While at the top floor of said building, but against all dramatic logic, she is somehow not there to shove the fucker off!

… Spoil-sport.

No, she’s actually here to offer him a business opportunity that will take him out of town for a few days! Which is admittedly less diabolical, but when the friend shows up to ask “what the fuck are you even doing”, here’s where the creepy music starts up! Annnnd three guesses what’ll happen now!

You know, it certainly is handy that she had this meeting on top of a skyscraper. If she had it on a park bench or something, dramatically pushing your best friend to her death would just not work at all.

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One Response to “I Think You’re Confusing “Maternal” With “Psychotic”: Maternal Instincts Review, Part Four”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. May Actually Be LONGER Than A Lifetime Network: Maternal Instincts Review, Part Five | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 11, 2014

    […] on Maternal Instincts: Nurse Creepy is still continuing her lifelong quest to ruin her Doctor’s life, as usual, […]

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