Happiness Is A Warm Corpse: Nekromantik Review, Part One

17 Jul

Today, we’ll be looking at a movie about humping corpses!

MY LIFE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

She’s looking for a BONE, huh? Eh, eh?

Nekromantik, king of replacing ‘c’s with ‘k’s before Mortal Kombat came along, is a 1987 West German horror film. About necrophilia. See, the director was having a discussing with the writer about connecting the idea of orgasms and death, and thus, this movie happened, and we should all feel a little ashamed about this fact! And yes, this controversial movie about sex and death has been banned in several countries. As if that wasn’t freaking obvious.

(Oh god, none of you can look at me in the eyes after this review is done. Seriously, people below 18 who don’t want to know about having sex with a dead body, turn away now. Also, anyone who ever hopes to look at me without shame.)

Ahem!

The film opens with a disclaimer, telling us that “this film should not be shown to minors”. Oh, really?! Darn, and here I was, about to show it as a double feature with Monsters Inc.

After some confusing quote that I couldn’t possibly begin to translate, we truly open on… somebody pissing in the woods!

Oh dear lord, what have I gotten myself in to.

Holy fuck, the shower I just took needs to take a shower!

Holy fuck, the shower I just took needs to take a shower!

Said pisser in the woods gets into his car, and drives off with his companion until they drive straight into a train. And, bit of a disclaimer here, I couldn’t find a copy of this movie in English, so I’ll probably be a little lost on the plot!

(… Well. As much plot as you can find in corpse-fucking, anyway.)

We get our title card, and somehow, the poor bastard is still in one piece after his crash! I mean, yeah, he’s dead, but the body is still all together! He DROVE IN TO A FUCKING TRAIN! He should be in jerky sized chunks spread through truck stops all over Germany by now!

The companion, meanwhile, is definitely bisected, and we get out credit sequence. Complete with… actually, surprisingly awesome music. Seriously, this is epic “going to storm the castle” music. Damn, the German “Lord Of The Rings” is weird.

The German Corpse Patrol rides out and starts cleaning up the mess, starting by stuffing the lady in a garbage bag (… pretty sure that’s not how they do that, unless Oscar the Grouch secretly boinks corpses in his off hour), and buzzsaw the poor bugger out of his mangled metal coffin. You know, like a Pinto.

We cut to… some place with a very long name, but it has “Joe” before it and that’s good enough for me! Anyway, at Joe’s, we see somebody… pissing in a urinal! Wait, WHAT?! Again?! Do I seriously need to start a “pissing counter”?! Is this a running motif?!

One of the Corpse Patrol argues with his boss in German, and we cut to him at home in his apartment, still in his bloody jumpsuit. I’m… pretty sure you’re not allowed to wear that home, but hey, maybe the Germans are just kooky that way. We see some pickled jars of god-knows-what, and this guy… pulls out a fresh eyeball and stuffs it in a jar?! And then does the same to a fresh heart?!

The German “Repo: The Genetic Opera” is weird.

No, I’m not going to translate a lyric from Repo into German. Fuck you.

Okay, according to some quick google searches, this fellow’s name is Rob, and he’s quickly greeted with a kiss from his girlfriend, Betty. I… wait, this guy has a girlfriend?! Oh, please, tell me how they met! Were they at the same organ transplant clinic, she stuck a kidney up her ass, he fucked a heart, and it was love at first squelch?

Betty goes for a bath, and either the bathtub is filled with blood, or somebody cut the bathtub’s jugular, because the whole mess is smeared with blood, and the water is dark and murky.. And either way, GAAAAH! That is not going to make you clean, lady! Unless you think AIDs is the perfect soap, I guess.

In the other room, Rob sits on his bed covered in bones, which is weird enough, but he starts flashing back to his childhood and we get to see his father, beating and killing a tiny rabbit on film!

Oh, what’s that? You think I’m joking? No no no, that part’s real. They had actual footage of somebody beating an adorable bunny rabbit over the head and then slitting it’s throat as it bleeds to death, and they thought it would look nice in the film.

Holy fuck. This film has PROBLEMS.

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3 Responses to “Happiness Is A Warm Corpse: Nekromantik Review, Part One”

  1. Alexander Dunwall July 18, 2014 at 7:30 pm #

    Oh no, THE SNUFF FILMS, THEY HAVE ARRIVED. HIDE THE WOMEN, HIDE THE CHILDREN, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY; HIDE OUR EYEEEESS.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. When There’s No More Room In Hell, The Dead Will Get Down: Nekromantik Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 18, 2014

    […] Previously, on Nekromantik: We met Rob and Betty, a young couple who enjoy pickling hunks of dead people, bathing in blood, and sleeping on beds made of bones! Gosh, I really think those crazy kids are going to make it. […]

  2. For A Good Time, Take A Left Down At Tombstone Number Eight: Nekromantik Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 19, 2014

    […] Previously, on Nekromantik: Rob and Betty fucked a corpse, while we watched somebody skin a real bunny! Annnnnd yeah, that’s about it. I’m starting to think this movie was banned because it’s dull. […]

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