When There’s No More Room In Hell, The Dead Will Get Down: Nekromantik Review, Part Two

18 Jul

Hmm. You know, this movie about having sex with corpses raises some very important questions. Namely, WHO CAME UP WITH SUCH AN AMAZING TITLE PUN AND WHY WASN’T IT ME?!

YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD, I READ YOUR BOOOOK.

Previously, on Nekromantik: We met Rob and Betty, a young couple who enjoy pickling hunks of dead people, bathing in blood, and sleeping on beds made of bones! Gosh, I really think those crazy kids are going to make it.

Oh, and they killed a real bunny.

Yaaaaaay.

Ahem!

After we’re done flashing back to the bunny murder, we cut to Rob performing surgery on a corpse… before cutting back to the killing. What, did you think killing a real live animal on screen would be the worst this film does? Fuck no, because they immediately top it by hanging up the corpse and peeling the skin off.

I ask, dear audience, with heartfelt and well chosen words: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!

So yeah, we cut between the rabbit getting gutted and Rob hackin’ off body parts from a corpse, before finally settling back to him drinking beer in his bed full of bones. Well, THAT flashback sequence was certainly important, I can see why they fucking kept that. If I didn’t know what a rabbit looked like with no skin, this movie wouldn’t make any sense at all!

We cut to a beautiful, bright summer day! The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and some jackass with a gun accidentally shoots somebody picking apples!

It’s an inky dinky doo dah morning…

Our redshirted jackass does what I think we’d all do when we accidentally murder somebody in broad daylight, and that is, cart the body away in a wheelbarrow! What?! How despicable! Doesn’t he know how heavy wheelbarrows are?!

We cut to the German Corpse Patrol, where they get a call to head out and fight for truth, justice, and also retrieving a water logged corpse- nay, skeleton, out of a pond. And, despite the fact that the body is rotted enough to be completely unrecognisable, it’s still wearing fashionable jeans! Damn, you know what isn’t dead? Fashion.

The rest of the Corpse Patrol clears out, because of… erm, “German German German German”, and leave Rob to drive the car around. And naturally, he steals the rotted corpse and stuffs it in his trunk! Because I guess bringing his girlfriend home flowers is just too passée.

Rob brings it home, and Betty grins like a kid in a candy store. Aww, it’s love at first WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. And, you know, credit to whoever did the special effects, but this is a nice lookin’ corpse! As shown while the couple stroke it lovingly…

Excuse me while I throw up forever.

Now, you might be thinking, “Oh god, why are you watching this?! AND WHY AM I READING THIS?!”. But after I drug you and tie you to a chair, you’re probably just thinking, “If it’s so rotted, how are they going to fuck the corpse?”. And here’s your answer, you poor bastard: They saw off a length of pipe and impale it through the corpses groin!

You know, I don’t even have a vagina, and that looks like it hurts.

Also, on an unrelated note, AAAAHHHHHHH!

Also, on an unrelated note, AAAAHHHHHHH!

So, here they are, with Betty and Rob and their corpse, all cuddled up in bed together, annnnnd they put a condom on the steel pipe.

… Well, of course. I understand zombie AIDs is the worst kind.

And finally, cue the sex scene! A threesome between Rob, Betty, and their corpse! Which is shot in artsy blurry vision, presumably to make it less clear what was going on, kinda like the cinematic equivalent of beer goggles!

The entire affair is set to some very gorgeous piano music, which is just… surreal. It’s like… it’s like… sorry, this whole thing is just melting my critic brain. Um. They suck on the corpses eyeball and even put it in their mouths for a bit, if that helps.

[Editor’s Note: How could that POSSIBLY HELP?!]

I don’t even know any more.

And afterwards, the duo engage in a standard post coital steak! Yeah, fuck cigarettes after sex, the Germans do it hardcore. Actually… now that I think about, you could probably blame this entire movie for the whole “German porn is incredibly freaky” stereotype!

Over at the Corpse Patrol, they’re yelling in German to each other, which I’m sure would be vital plot information if I spoke the language! And we cut to Betty, having… story time. With the corpse.

WHAT?!

Oh, wait, never mind, she fucks it afterwards. Okay, that, I understand a bit more. I mean, you know, slightly. I’m still a bit lost on the part where she makes the skeletal head… er, give her head. I mean, it’s a corpse. Unless getting a skeletal ridge scraped across your pelvis is secretly a fetish, I don’t think-

Oh god, what am I talking about, that is totally a fetish.

“Ladies.”

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One Response to “When There’s No More Room In Hell, The Dead Will Get Down: Nekromantik Review, Part Two”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. For A Good Time, Take A Left Down At Tombstone Number Eight: Nekromantik Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 19, 2014

    […] on Nekromantik: Rob and Betty fucked a corpse, while we watched somebody skin a real bunny! Annnnnd yeah, […]

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