For A Good Time, Take A Left Down At Tombstone Number Eight: Nekromantik Review, Part Three

19 Jul

I’m sure that somewhere in the audience, there’s some well meaning necrophiliac who are just so offended right now! Hey, no offence, corpse-canoodler, stick your wang wherever you want, I’d just really prefer that I didn’t have to watch.

… Is it wrong that this is the most stylish poster we’ve had on this site?

Previously, on NekromantikRob and Betty fucked a corpse, while we watched somebody skin a real bunny! Annnnnd yeah, that’s about it. I’m starting to think this movie was banned because it’s dull.

Ahem!

Rob comes home to Betty and tells her that he’s been fired, or at least, that’s what I think after I ran the dialogue through Google Translate. She’s pissed at him and starts yelling at him in German, and when he comes home later with a cat… for some reason, he finds a note telling him that she left him. Oh, and if that wasn’t bad enough… she took the corpse with her! 

German rom-coms are weird.

So, he loses his temper, burns a picture of her, and oh yeah, BEATS THE CAT TO DEATH IN A GARBAGE BAG AND HANGS THE CORPSE ABOVE HIM WHILE HE BATHES AND TEARS IT INTO PIECES TO RUB THE BLOOD ALL OVER HIMSELF.

Dude. BUY A STRESS BALL.

(And don’t worry, I checked, it wasn’t a real animal this time.)

And it is so fucking weird that I have to even MAKE that distinction.

With that… freaking insane part of his day done, Rob decides to head out and go watch a scary movie! And… he does! I think the movie just looped itself. And it’s totally awesome, because apparently German theatres get to sell beer to everyone who shows up! Man, at the theatres in my town, all they get to sell are bitter recriminations.

So, while Rob watches the movie, we watch it too! We see some buxom blond run from an axe murderer, find a dead body, until she’s finally caught by the moron. What, did the director get tired of the movie he was making, and decided to make a completely different one? Well, I’ll give it this much, at least it’s not fucking Nekromantik!

The killer ties the poor girl up and starts molesting her, most of which is off camera, because it’s apparently far more important that we focus on the bored expressions of the people watching, I don’t have to tell you that. Eventually, Rob gets so bored of all this, he up and walks out! I think the movie is trying to tell us what we should do.

Rob heads home, and drinks for a bit, until he starts pullin’ out some pills and washing them down with whiskey. Either he’s trying to kill himself, or he figures Tic Tacs would taste better if they were soaked is hooch. AND HE’D BE RIGHT.

Annnnnd cue trippy dream sequence, go! There’s a body bag in a field, somebody with a skeleton face crawls out of it, buxom blond hands him a box, it has a dead head in it, she picks him up, romantic piano music starts up, and they… start playing fetch with it?

… Well, it’s nice of the movie to go batshit insane all of a sudden.

“There’s children throwing snowballs instead of throwing heads…”

We cut to three women, who Wikipedia identify as prostitutes, as Rob drives up! Um. Look, ladies, I don’t judge, but having sex with the man who mere days ago was fuckin’ corpses is going to leave you with EVERY KIND OF DISEASE, including a couple that I just made up. Oh, but I’m sure I’m just weird, there’s no reason for her to suspect that Rob gets turned on by corpses, and we cut to Rob taking her to fuck on top of somebody’s grave!

I should put a space between those two sentences.

Anyway, they make to do the nasty, but it seems Rob can’t get it up if the girl’s breathing, but it seems he has a solution to that: Kill ‘er, and then fuck ‘er! Always thinking, our Rob! But apparently she was so good that he dozes off, and only wakes up when he gets interrupted by a gardener in the morning. And he does what I think we all would: Chop the fucker’s head off with his own shovel!

Rob decides that the best way to spend the day after a morning like that is doing some yoga in a field, before we cut to him and his apartment, nailing a crucifix with Jesus on it… to a cross… while he wears a crown of thorns.

MOVING ON!

We cut back to the field, where he runs around and okay, who the fuck said this man was allowed to frolic?! I already used up my Inky Dinky Doo Dah Morning joke last time!

At his apartment once again, Rob takes a random knife and starts cuddling up with it, until he decides to go out of this movie the way he entered: Disgustingly. He zips down his pants, pulls out his raging erection, and as he stabs himself in the gut over and over again, ejaculates all over himself while he dies in terrible agony as he flashes back to the killing of the bunny.

Well, congratulations. I will never maintain an erection again. Thanks for that.

Our movie ends with a shot of Rob’s grave, which looks appropriately seedy and abandoned, until we finally close out with a shot of somebody in high heels and stockings digging up the grave. And you might think, oh, that’s just a set-up for a sequel that never happened, but… oh. Oh, you would be so wrong. Ladies and gentlemen? NEKROMANTIK TWO!

Heh… heh… heh heh… hah hah hah hah ahha hah hahah hah hah hah ehh aha heha heh ahehah hahah HAHAHAHAHAH AHH AHA HAHHAHA AHHAHAH FUCK THIS MOVIE!

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3 Responses to “For A Good Time, Take A Left Down At Tombstone Number Eight: Nekromantik Review, Part Three”

  1. Saansilt July 20, 2014 at 12:21 pm #

    You should review “Battlefield Earth”

    • averystrangeplace July 20, 2014 at 10:33 pm #

      I totally plan to! But after watching people fuck garbage, corpses, and their chances for a long-term career, I’m worried Battlefield Earth might disappoint me!

      • Saansilt July 21, 2014 at 12:16 am #

        Its actually pretty good.
        Plus, no female ET

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