How Do I Even Find These Movies?! Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter Review, Part One

20 Jul

Ahem.

Today, we’ll be reviewing a kung-fu comedy horror musical about Jesus Christ fighting vampires.

WHAT?!

“The Power Of Christ Impales You”? Damn, there goes the title of my autobiography.

So… yeah, this is a thing. A 2001 flick which of course it was made in Canada. Why am I even surprised. God, I’m starting to think I need to pull this entire country over and give everybody a stern talking to. Annnnnd yeah, I’m just killing time, because I can’t find anything about this movie. Well, at least now I which deity this film pissed off enough to get wiped away from history.

Ahem!

Today’s oh-god-why-am-I-watching-this opens with a montage of streets and people carrying Jesus signs while the sounds of people yelling about God and the Second Coming is dubbed over. And all of a sudden, some guy in a big bushy beard hops out of a bush and starts telling the audience how we’re going to die! Oh hey, Alan Moore, how’s that workin’ out for you.

Crazy preacher guy talks about how this film is going to change our lives and it might kill us and blah blah blah, until the camera man walks through the bushes and into the house that he kept gesturing at. And cue the credits, which… come complete with a synthesizer reading the credits aloud. Um. This was made in 2001, right? Or is the 80’s one of the vampires that we’ll need to kill?

Anyway, with that over with, we cut to a car driving around at night, until it opens and the girl with a little blue dress and an apron is suddenly jumped by a vampire. Or at least, I think it’s a vampire, all she does is nibble on the girl’s earlobe. And cue a jumpcut later, and the girl is suddenly covered in blood! Annnnd so is the car. And lightning keeps flashing. Okay, what the fuck happened in that jumpcut?!

The vampire steals the car, and in the morning, steps out in to the bright sunlight. (… Gotcha, we’re just making vampires up as we go along.) She looks like a gender-swapped Marilyn Manson, and she pulls out her bulky 2001 era cell phone.

“Where have all our lesbians gone?”

Wait, WHAT?!

Have you checked the couch cushions? That’s where they usually turn up.

We cut over to a bad knock-knock joke, playing out in real time. Quick, why did the priest cross the road? To get to the… punk rock guy reading a newspaper, I guess. Man, I’m bad at knock-knock jokes. Oh, and said newspaper has an… interesting headline.

“NCC REPORTS CRITICAL LESBIAN SHORTAGE, FRINGE FESTIVAL IN JEOPARDY.”

… You know, I’d make a joke here, but I’ve known people who perform at Fringe festivals, so yeah, that’s pretty accurate.

So, the priest makes it to the punk rocker, who it turns out, is also a priest! You know what, I am perfectly fine with that, I would respect way more priests if they showed up to work in fucking mohawks. The two priests discuss who tragic it is that the vampires have been killing Ottawa’s supply of lesbians, until they decide they must use their super special plan to stop them, and to do that, they enlist the help of Scooter Priest! 

… Look, I’m not the one making this up.

Anyway, they drive through a montage until they make it to a beach, and they find Jesus, givin’ some lady a swirly in the lake and offering the priests lemonade out of a water bottle embedded in the sand. And I hope you took those acid tabs when I told you to, because then that sentence will make perfect sense to you.

The priests try to convince Jesus to fight off the vampires, but he tells them that he can’t come out and fight evil until he’s done building his holy kingdom, and he gestures to a sand castle that Jesus apparently made in his spare time. Which would be hell with those holes in his hand, lemme tell you.

Suddenly, three vampire women show up and stomp on it! Wow. Pure evil is such a dick, and speaking of which, they then kick Jesus in the nads, which means that Jesus is officially done screwing around. KUNG FU JESUS IS ENGAGED! 

Jesus tries to hold them off with some awkwardly stilted choreography, complete with over-the-top punching sound effects, while the priests run off to bless the lake. The lead vampire manages to kill the two priests, but the other two vampires get their asses tossed in and killed. Because of God, apparently. Geez, even Buffy remembered to throw some CGI steam around to make it actually do something.

But now Jesus is PISSED, and he steals the scooter and rides downtown while the soundtrack just whispers buzzwords from the Bible. He first stops for a haircut, because the beard and long flowing hair look is so dated, and then he grabs some piercings because fuck you, that’s why, and decides that the only way to defeat the vampires is… a musical number!

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!

He dances and sings with the population of Ottawa, heals the sick and injured, hangs out with people in pastel stripper outfits, and generally, just makes everybody’s day fantastic! Fuck, he even raises the dead at one point. Okay, you know all those student films I’ve reviewed, where I completely tear into how terrible and amateurish it is? This is how you should do something terrible and amateurish! Just make something so insane and fucking awesome that it’s impossible not to love!

The musical number suddenly breaks up, and Jesus runs in to yet another priest. Holy hell, this city is just swarming with them. He takes him to the church, where he gets his own little apartment, and we cut to Jesus explaining to that Priest-Who-Crossed-The-Road what happened to the other two priests. In… in a diner, for some ungodly reason.

[Editor’s Note: Does that count as sacrilegious if you’re watching a movie that already fucks over Jesus in every possible way, or do they cancel each other out?]

I think it’s like crossing the streams, but with crosses.

Father Chicken (heh, get it?) pulls out some photos of people in his congregation who’ve disappeared, thanks to the vampires. A guy who made public service announcements for the church, and a girl who was a concert promoter, who Jesus recognizes as the lead vampire from the beach. They wonder if the fact that the vampires have mostly been taking lesbians might be why the vampires can walk around in the day, because you know, lesbians are actually a form of sunscreen.

Jesus gets a wad of cash from the collection plate, and walks down to the hardware store to pick up some woods for steaks. But suddenly, a car drives over and a man in a suit and a redhead woman get out and cross their arms, Team Rocket style.

“Hello, Jesus. You don’t know us because we’ve never talked to you before. We’re the Atheists.”

*dramatic dropping of lumber*

“Look, Jesus, we’re taking your Second Coming ass down. Consider this the Thirteenth Station of the Cross.”

“Oh yeah?! Well, lets get on with the conversions.”

WHAT?!

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2 Responses to “How Do I Even Find These Movies?! Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter Review, Part One”

  1. Alexander Dunwall July 21, 2014 at 6:11 am #

    wa…w…wha…bu…I…I don’t even…whaaaaaaaaaat…

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Though I Walk Through The Shadow Of The Valley Of Lesbians: Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 21, 2014

    […] Previously, on Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter: Holy hell, how do I even TRY to summarize this movie. Um, Jesus Christ is back in Ottawa to save the population of lesbians from vampires, before getting ambushed by a gang of roving atheists. Oh, and it’s a kung fu musical. […]

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