Though I Walk Through The Shadow Of The Valley Of Lesbians: Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter Review, Part Two

21 Jul

… Holy hell, that title is a mouthful.

EXCUSE ME, movie poster, but Jesus already shaved off his beard and hair. PLOT HOLE.

Previously, on Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter: Holy hell, how do I even TRY to summarize this movie. Um, Jesus Christ is back in Ottawa to save the population of lesbians from vampires, before getting ambushed by a gang of roving atheists. Oh, and it’s a kung fu musical.

… And if any of that made sense to you, I’m sending you to the Learning Cube until you’re fit to re-enter society.

Ahem!

So, a gang of muscley atheists pile out of the jeep, and Jesus fights them all off with his mastery of kung fu. Unfortunately, he’s not wearing a crown of thorns, so he can’t pull off the most devastating headbutt attack ever.

It really is amazing, more and more goddamn atheists just keep on coming and coming out of the stupid jeep. It’s like one of those video games where you can’t pass the level till you break all the spawn points. Well. Either that, or atheists breed asexually.

Finally, he’s gotten down to the woman and the man in the suit. The man, of course, starts his fight by pulling off his suit jacket, and the woman… gropes her tits? Unless you’re planning to shoot milk in to his eyes, I don’t see what use that’ll have in a fight.

He kicks their asses, including some truly “brilliant” stop motion, walks through the veritable sea of unconscious atheists, and picks up his lumber. So Jesus-

“JEEEEEESUS!”

Oh, right, I forgot to mention. Every once and a while, it changes scene with a cut to a spinning cross, and somebody screaming ‘Jesus’. It’s about as stupid as it sounds. “Holy crucifixion, Batman!”

Jesus saunters down the street to the funkiest soundtrack in the last ten years, before we cut to Jesus entering his apartment to find a woman in a camo dress and wielding a gun. Oh snap, she’s going to pop a cap in his- where does one traditionally pop things on a Jesus?

Anyway, they tussle for a bit, until she tells him that she’s on the church’s side. The name? Mary Magnum.

… I see what you did there.

To try and relax Jesus, they decide to have their discussion in… the sauna! You know, like all churches have! Magnum tells Jesus that the branch of the church that she follows has been researching vampires for years, and starts listing off technobabble. Look, movie. You’re a kung fu musical about Jesus Christ stopping vampires from stealing lesbians. You don’t need to explain anything. It’s not going to help. Besides, everyone already knows about vampires, so this isn’t helping anyway! If you’re going to explain anything, explain how Mary Magnum brought a functioning laptop in to a sauna.

Can Jesus walk on water damage?

Magnum is in Ottawa to talk to an expert of vampires, and when Jesus tries to leave, she stops him and tells him that they’ll have to find him some new clothes. Annnnnd then she flirts with him. Um. Please don’t fuck Jesus, movie. Stigmata and sex do not go together well.

We cut to-

“JEEEEEESUS!”

… Gee. Thanks for that. Anyway, we cut to a clothing store, where Jesus goes on a clothing montage while Mary Magnum… is in a bright red catsuit for some ungodly reason. Yeah, sure, you’re gonna blend in to the freakin’ background in that ensemble. Pssh, where’d the camo go!

Suddenly, the lead vampire shows up, and Jesus and Magnum hide in a changing room. She’s asking the shop keeper for Johnny, and leaves when she doesn’t find him. Or maybe that’s just because the shop keeper is annoying as fuck, either or.

Jesus and Magnum follow the vampire on a motorcycle to the hospital (… my life), and when they get to the hospital, they sneak in through the vents.

“Mary, if I’m not back in five minutes… call the pope.”

Oh, you’re just mad because he has a better car than you.”

In the vent, they eavesdrop on an insane surgeon who is reciting the Bible while hacking skin off an unconscious vampire and espousing on the glory of science. Geez, this is the weirdest episode of Bill Nye, The Science Guy ever.

Oh, and also, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!

WHERE DID MY LIFE GO SO WRONG?!

See, Dr. Insano here is hackin’ skin off the vampires and implanting new skin on so they can walk around in the sun. Hey, it’s a cool idea on the writer’s part, so I’ll let it slide. Just… just don’t open your mouth, ladies, because we can’t actually replace the skin there. And also, keep your eyes closed all the time, because I can’t put skin on your eyeballs. And wear earmuffs.

As the doctor monologues to the corpse, he suddenly starts… tonguing the corpse. Um. Nice of the movie to get rapey as fuck all of a sudden. And a vampire, the one who they said was the first to disappear, the one who worked with TV, walks up for a progress report.

“Well, she still hasn’t accepted my request for a date, but she stopped flinching when I make out with her corpse, so I think I’m getting some serious signals here.”

“… I meant the skin. How is the skin going?”

“Oh, the skin hasn’t accepted my request for a date either.”

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