Journey To The Centre Of The… Er, Sewers: C.H.U.D. Review, Part Three

26 Jul

Alright, after such an important break yesterday, we’re finally back to the delightfully cheesy wonderland of C.H.U.D! 

[Editor’s Note: What the hell do you mean, “important break”, you took a night off to marathon Borderlands 2!]

*blam*

I have spent several hours trying to come up with an alternate acronym and just no. Just… fuck you.

Previously, on C.H.U.D: The homeless populace beneath New York are disappearing one by one, George and his girlfriend Lauren are celebrating her pregnancy, the EPA are trying to cover something up, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses.

Ahem!

Captain Moustache and the Reverend break in to George’s apartment to grab photos of the homeless folks, and find pictures of Victor’s bloody leg. Be careful with that thing, that’s like six different fetishes right there. So the Captain and the Reverend head down to a meeting with the commissioner and somebody from the Nuclear Department of Stiff Upper-Lips. I think he’s just down there to provide the mandatory monocle popping.

They don’t believe a word of this whole “monsters from the sewers eating people” business, until the Reverend threatens to take the pictures they have to the newspapers, and we cut to George and Lauren having a picnic in the park. But suddenly, up walks a man in banana yellow, or as it’s otherwise known, nature’s target practice. He’s an investigative reporter who’s been popping up in the background of the police station, which I did not mention before now in the vague hope that I wouldn’t have to mention this walking lump of starch.

Banana Man tells George about the tail the other day, and we cut back to the meeting. Or, as it’s otherwise known, “Explaining The Plot”. The Nuclear Department (don’t ask me what the actual name is, the guy is so white he’s practically invisible) was going to move nuclear waste through the tunnel systems beneath New York, but somebody found out and put a court order out to stop them. Which means that there’s tons of nuclear waste down there, just sitting there, and being vaguely naughty like all radioactive materials do.

Back with George, Banana Man is using the standard investigative routine of being a colossal asshole until the target tells you things out of pure annoyance, but George is the Alpha Male of being a colossal asshole, and he just hops in a cab and heads off. Presumably while gangster rap plays in the background.

Meanwhile, at the meeting, the Reverend loses his temper at the association of officially registered tight asses who refuse to admit the existence of the monster, and storms out. But when he throws the Nuclear Jackass’s stuff across the room, the Captain finds a document with the name “C.H.U.D” on it. Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller, motherfuckers! Accept no substitutes!

The Jackass explains the name, and after a phone call, tells them it’s dead! Oh yeah, sure, that’s totally why there’s half a movie left and then a sequel. Meanwhile, the Reverend tries to use a pay phone to contact the newspaper, only for some muscly asswad to walk over and… eat the quarter?

I think I dated a girl like that once.

The Captain and the Jackass and the Commissioner all run off to go check out the dead Chud, donning full hazmat suits to keep them safe from residual hobo germs, and we get to see it reflected in the helmet. Now that the thing is dead, Jackass is sending his men down to finish cleaning the tunnels. (Metaphorically, I mean.) And the Captain wants to send some men down too with flame throwers to make sure there aren’t any more Chuds.

“No no no, I positively can’t let you send anyone down there! We can’t afford the attention!”

*one cut later*

“Are… are those fucking flame throwers?”

Yeah, despite the warning, the Captain went ahead and sent his men down too, and now we’ve got a team full of eggheads to do some science, and a team of cops to light said science on fire! IT’S THE BUDDY COMEDY OF THE YEAR! The Captain and the Jackass are watching over the screens, but when the radiation levels start spiking and the cops start burning everything in sight, the camera feeds still end up getting cut off! Wait, an entire squad of Pyros couldn’t stop one Chud?! You’re a disgrace to your TF2 class!

YEAH MAYBE PYRO IS MY FAVOURITE CLASS WHAT OF IT.

After Operation Vast Incompetence has resulted in a… less than favourable success rate, we cut to Jackass and the Captain discussing their options. “Hmm. Okay, I’m going to make a note here. ‘Plan… needs… work…’, and maybe a fatality rate less than 100% would be slightly optional.” Back with George, he realizes that all of his photos have been taken, and calls up the Banana Man. Down in to the sewers to solve the police cover-up they shall go!

(Geez, this Dead Rising origin story is weird.)

The Captain runs in to the Reverend at his soup kitchen, and gives him the lowdown on the Chuds. Oh, and he explains that the Jackass wants to flood the entire tunnel system with gas to kill the Chuds. It’s… wow, it’s amazing, this is officially the dumbest plan anybody has ever had ever. I mean, good god, the best case scenario with that plan is that you drive an army of angry mutants to tear apart the populace of New York, and the worst case scenario, involves… well, you know, BLOWING UP THE ENTIRE CITY!

You are great at problem solving.

Anyway, while the Banana Man and George are skulking around the sewers with a gun and the Jackass starts flooding the gas, the Reverend gets locked in to his cellar by that muscly asshat from earlier. Oh, and Crazy Ron is here again! Why, hello, Ron, how’s tricks?

“AND WHEN THE LORD OF THE MUTANT FLIES SHALL STRIKE HIS PITCHFORK AGAINST THE ASS OF HEAVEN ITSELF, A CROWN OF THORNS SHALL REACH THROUGH OUR COLONS AND SWAP OUR GENITALS!”

I’m going to assume that’s a good thing.

… Well, now that’s just fucking terrifying.

One Response to “Journey To The Centre Of The… Er, Sewers: C.H.U.D. Review, Part Three”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. In The Dark Of The Sewer: C.H.U.D. Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - July 27, 2014

    […] on C.H.U.D: I got tired of typing down the full acronym every time, and meanwhile, StiffNeck McJackass has […]

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