In The Dark Of The Sewer: C.H.U.D. Review, Part Four

27 Jul

I think C.H.U.D. was really just an educational film about the rules of proper sewer maintenance! Lesson one, don’t raise an army of angry unstoppable mutants. Lesson two, don’t feed hobos to your army of angry unstoppable mutants. Lesson three, trying to stop said army of angry unstoppable mutants by pumping explosive gas through the entire city’s sewer system is THE WORST PLAN.

I MEAN.

COME ON.

THERE IS NO POSITIVE OUTCOME HERE.

And somewhere, Mario is weeping at such shoddy plumbing.

Previously, on C.H.U.D: I got tired of typing down the full acronym every time, and meanwhile, StiffNeck McJackass has decided pumping gas through the entire sewer is the best plan to solve the Chud problem. I remain moderately incredulous.

Ahem!

Down in the sewers, George and Banana Man get ambushed by a Chud, who yanks Banana Man in to a pipe and has his way with him. Aww, young love. George runs off, the smartest thing he’s done so far, and we cut to the Reverend, crawling down in to the sewers. And what does he find, but a gang of Chuds, hanging out with their big pile of nuclear waste that… appears to be spinach! My god, run! They yam what they yam!

The Reverend runs away, and we cut to Lauren wandering down in to the sewers for really no good reason, and finding a dead dog hanging from the ceiling. Worst. Piñata. Ever. We cut over to the Captain, taking his men along to investigate a dead body somebody found by the docks. Annnnnnd it turns out to be his wife, and to show why he is such a likeable character, we immediately cut to him at a bar! I like the way you think, sir. I too have crawled inside the bottle after seeing something horrible! God, Trash Humpers alone had me in that thing for a week.

Lauren calls the cops to come check out the dead dog, and then goes for a shower. But because this is a classier horror flick than usual, we don’t actually see her naked, which I’m sure is disappointing at least one of you in the audience. The pipe clogs up, so she reaches for a coat hanger and stabs it in to the train, which… causes a fountain of blood to shoot out over her! Because… I guess there was a tiny Chud in her shower drain?

We cut over to two cops at a diner, making lecherous comments to the lady behind the counter, until the Chuds attack! My god, no! Not the John Goodman impersonator! Back with Lauren, she’s showered off and gotten dressed, and we get to watch her screw around in her apartment for a bit before cutting to a Chud breaking down the door to her basement. Annnnnd there goes the security deposit.

Down in the sewers, George is still running around with a gun, and he finds his way back to Victor, who has apparently gone feral after such a long period of time down here, and George guns him down. But then, the Old Lady knocks him over! And then, the Reverend knocks her over and saves George! And then Megatron knocks him over- wait, no.

… I suddenly desperately want to see Megatron Versus Chuds.

Over at the diner, there’s a media circus after the murders, and the Captain is furious at TightNecked McJackass for letting the Chud situation get this far. So McJackass decides to solve a problem caused by reckless endangerment… with more reckless endangerment! Yes, it’s time for Operation “That’s Not Air You’re Breathing”! Bring your own terrible fucking ideas!

As the Reverend and George try and escape the sewers before everything is locked up, Lauren gets attacked by a Chud and barricades her apartment. Which works surprisingly well! For her, I mean. For the cops who show up to try and help, they lasted about as long as it takes to read this sentence.

The Reverend and George find the nuclear waste, which is just terrible healthy, and realize that they must have been storing this crap down there for years. And on the less crappy side of the equation, they find the equipment left by the survey team and send out the “Captain Moustache Signal” to try and get some help!

Back with Lauren, she turns off all the lights as the Chud breaks down the door, presumably in a vague hope that he’s actually terrified of the dark, and when he finally gets in, she lures him in to the dark room and tosses chemicals in to his face! So she grabs a sword and gets ready to slice the fucker’s head off, but he bursts through the wall behind her and… starts twisting and elongating his neck like a goddamn snake?

But with more neck, that just means more to slice, and Lauren goes all Red Queen on his ass! She runs off and steals a cop car, and we cut to the Captain giving instructions to the Reverend and George. And while they run off to get out, the Captain talks to McJackass and lets him know that he’s on to his little secret. Soooo McJackass pulls a gun. Yeah, good luck, I’m pretty sure the Captain’s moustache could kick your ass, never mind the rest of him.

The Captain nabs the keys to let the Reverend and George out, and while he’s trying to pry the manhole off, McJackass sneaks up behind him and straight up shoots him! Wow, as long as you’re not cartoonishly evil or anything. He hops in to the truck and tries to run the Reverend and George down, but the Reverend shoots him, and that’s the magic code word to blow up the entire truck! And while George and Lauren have their tearful reunion, so does the Captain and the Reverend! Aww, I really think those crazy kids are going to make it!

Soooo what about the Chuds? I mean, great, you killed that jackass, but… but there’s still an evil army of mutants beneath the city. Plus, with a flaming truck currently parked on the sewer, isn’t that going to… you know, ignite the gas you have running beneath the entire city? Oh, wait, the credits are coming, never mind.

So, that was C.H.U.D! How was it? Holy hell, I can see why it’s a cult movie!

I mean, yeah, it’s pretty cheesy, but it’s so fun! The acting is spot on, the writing can really get you invested in these characters, and the effects were awesome! Definitely check this movie out if you’re looking for something fun and cheesy!

Just… just stay away from Bud The Chud. 

Nobody needs to see that movie.

… That is so not a goddamn Chud.

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