Review A Thousand More, Before I Am Through: Ken Park Review, Part Two

1 Aug

Oh gee, let’s recap what has happened so far! We’ve had cheating, pedophilia, animal abuse, parental abuse, and suicide! GOD, I LOVE THIS JOB!

… I need a hug.

And yes, I had to photoshop that censor-bird there. You're welcome.

And yes, I had to photoshop that censor-bird there. You’re welcome.

Previously, on Ken Park: We were introduced to Ken Park, who shot himself in the face three minutes in, and his friends! Like Shaun, who’s fucking his girlfriend’s older mother, or Claude, who has an abusive father, or Peaches, with her hyper-religious father, and Tate, who… who is just fucking insane. And please keep in mind, all of this was based off the director’s diary!

… And that’s just gonna get creepier and creepier. And I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

Ahem!

Now that we’re done the “Pedophilia Fun Time Revue”, it’s Claude’s turn! Or, rather, his parent’s turn, as they have incredibly awkward conversations while they watch Jerry Springer. Well. Thank you for wasting five minutes of my life.

While they’re doing that, Claude is spending the day with his friends, as they sit around and smoke weed, looking at porn, and listening to his friend discuss how his dad is in a coma. Um. Look, it’s a sad story, but does this scene have anything to do with… anything? Seriously, just some transitional dialogue or something to connect one scene to the next, that’s all I’m asking.

… Wait, never mind, scratch that. This was by the same guy who made Trash Humpers, I should just be happy that nobody has said “make it make it don’t fake it” yet.

Or, you know. Fucked garbage. That too.

Over in Peaches’ section of the movie, her father is sharing Peaches report card with the… grave of her dead mother. Annnnd before you’re done being creeped out by that, we cut to Peaches and her boyfriend experimenting with bondage! OH YEAH BECAUSE WATCHING TEENAGERS EXPLORE THEIR SEXUALITY IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO SEE IN A MOVIE.

*pinch bridge of nose between fingers*

Okay, look. I am, sexuality-wise, a big live-and-let-live kinda guy. If you want your boyfriend to dress like Captain Janeway and pretend that you’re Crow T. Robot, hey, more power to you. But… well, I shouldn’t have to watch the director awkwardly write in his own teenage masturbatory fantasies, and the only reason I’m not sprawled on the floor and choking on my own vomit is because I checked, and I’m pretty sure every actor is over 18.

So, yeah, while they’re engaging in some “oh god I do not want to know”, Peaches hyper-religious dad comes home, annnnnd it gets awkward. Yeah, he waits for them to get dressed, then has a polite discussion about the differentiating view points between their views of female sexuality- no, wait, he punches Peaches across the room, and starts beating the crap out of the boyfriend while he’s tied to the bed. Hmm. Still better than my dates ever go.

Alright, it’s time for Tate’s turn! How is everybody’s favourite psychopath doing? He sits in bed, watches some tennis on TV, and then experiments with auto-erotic asphyxiation WAIT WHAT-

CRITICAL ERROR.

CRITICAL ERROR.

PLEASE REBOOT REVIEWER.

SCANNING DATABASE.

SELF LOATHING DOWNLOADED.

YOUTUBE CLIPS DOWNLOADED.

PURPLE DOWNLOADED. 

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DELETE CORRUPTED FILES? (Y/N)

(Y)

CRITICAL ERROR.

CORRUPTED FILES NOT DELETED.

REPEATING FILE LOAD.

… Dammit, that usually works.

Now all I’m left with is a splitting headache and a sudden desire to stick my dick in a computer mainframe.

You know, as I watch this scene, I’m struck by a couple things. And once I’m done screaming “why” and considering hunting down this actor and taking his genitals off with a belt sander just so nobody ever has to see this man’s genitals again, I can finally start asking them! First of all, why is anybody EVER attracted to men?! Penises look like a crotch-maggot that has lost the will to live.

Secondly, how much did they PAY this actor? I mean, to choke yourself out with a belt while you beat off? Annnnd more importantly, did they even have to pay him? Because… yeah, that’s a real orgasm at the end. Thanks, I desperately needed to see this man’s semen. And thirdly, HOW LONG DOES THIS GODDAMN SCENE GO ON?! Was this fucking shot in real time?! Because listen, jackass, if you keep this up, ONE OF US IS GOING BLIND!

After he’s done making sure I will never maintain an erection again, we cut to Shaun’s plot. He’s meeting up with his girlfriend after school, and the girlfriend is way, way to hot to be dating this little shit. And, actually, so is the mother! Seriously, we’re talking about some little jackass with the emotional range of a teaspoon, the physical body of that pothead who sits outside the local library and offers people sex in exchange for checking them for aliens, and the acting ability of the local pothead pretending to be a teaspoon!

And meanwhile, at home, the mother is getting her youngest daughter- you know, the only woman in the house who hasn’t fucked Shaun (probably), when her husband comes home early! Patrick Star, what are you doing here!

That’s not a joke. The actor playing the husband is the same guy who voices Patrick. Which means, yes, there’s only one degree of separation between Spongebob Squarepants and a psychopath whackin’ it while he strangles himself! And now you will never be able watch Spongebob again. You’re welcome.

Shaun and his girlfriend get home (… I guess he left her house just to come over again?) and he gets invited to lunch with her family tomorrow. Which, yeah, the mother is enthusiastic about!

“Oh, Shaun, you should come tomorrow!”

… Nope. Not touching that one. Too easy.

We cut to Claude’s father, driving around to pick up some hookers with his friend Murph! Murph, you’ll be interested to know, is played by Richard Riehle, who according to his IMDB page, has been in fucking everything. So, thanks to Ken Park, pedophilia, incest, animal abuse, and murder (give it time, we’ll get there soon enough) is now only one step removed from… ooh, lets see, Star Trek: Voyager, Halloween 2, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Get Smart, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Enterprise, Ferris Bueller, Golden Girls, Quantum Leap, Dragnet, The Legend Of Korra, Tranformers: Age Of Extinction, Texas Chainsaw 3D, A Very Harold And Kumar 3D Christmas, Judy Moody And The Not Bummer Summer, Tremors, and Fillmore!

And now he’s asking a hooker for a blowjob.

THE GLAMOROUS LIFE OF AN ACTOR, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

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2 Responses to “Review A Thousand More, Before I Am Through: Ken Park Review, Part Two”

  1. Emma August 2, 2014 at 1:54 am #

    If I were to come up with a definition of the word “mindfuck”, I’d refer people to this movie. It is like a yellow brick road where each brick is a mini-mindfuckling leading to a mindfuckster of epic proportions. Seriously, why the hell would anyone shoot that? It’s worse than human centipede and serbian film (and this says a lot, duh).

    Actually, I just lolled when I thought that it would be hilarious if they made it into TV series. Just imagine getting mentally assaulted every Sunday at 8pm.

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  1. ‘Cause You’re Bad To The Bone: Ken Park Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - August 2, 2014

    […] on Ken Park: Shaun is cheating on his girlfriend with his girlfriend’s mom, Claude’s dad is an […]

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