‘Cause You’re Bad To The Bone: Ken Park Review, Part Three

2 Aug

B- b- b- b- bad. So b- b- b- b- bad.

… Yeah, the titles have been slowly singing Bad To The Bone for this entire series, what of it?

And now it's in my head. Goddammit.

And now it’s in my head. Goddammit.

Previously, on Ken Park: Shaun is cheating on his girlfriend with his girlfriend’s mom, Claude’s dad is an abusive son-of-a-bitch, Peaches had her boyfriend beaten to a pulp by her creepy, creepy father, and Tate is a psychopath who’s been experimenting with auto-erotic asphyxiation!

… And Ken Park, meanwhile, has presumably continued rotting. Why is the film named after him, exactly?

Ahem!

Claude’s dad and his friend Murph are driving around, lookin’ for hookers, but when Murph finds one that catches his eye, Claude’s dad just drives off furiously. Oh, gee, got a bur up your ass, you walking lump of turkey gristle?

Claude, meanwhile, is calling his friend to come over and hang out. To which he seems… bizarrely insistent over. Erm. Okay, I seriously doubt the director would be paying this much attention to this scene if it didn’t matter, so I’m puttin’ five bucks on “secretly gay”, Alex.

The friend can’t come over, apparently, and meanwhile, the dad and Murph are still driving, and bemoaning the lack of any hookers! Which gets Murph thinking, I guess. “There’s this lady at my work that I reeeeally want to fuck.”

Insert a joke about any of the thousands of TV shows that this actor has been in. Seriously, go for it. Janeway, Buffy, 99, Judy Moody, it’s all good.

As they drive, they proceed to get increasingly wasted, which is just terrible! Haven’t you even seen that episode of Tiny Toons?! Anyway, the dad drops Murph off, and meanwhile, Claude strips down to his underwear to go to bed. Oh, good god, it’s the exact same underwear ever other boy is wearing! Did they only have one pair to share?

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND PICTURES OF UNDERWEAR WITHOUT WANG?!

We get to watch the dad come home and wander around drunkenly for a bit, before heading to the bathroom and pissing while he drinks beer. Oh, charmingly. I think we just found out how Corona is made. So, with that done, the dad wanders in to his son’s room… and starts… cuddling him… in his sleep.

… And then he starts stroking Claude’s legs. And then he starts… trying to suck Claude’s dick.

INCEST! When you need to make the entire audience rethink their life’s choices that led to watching your goddamn movie, try INCEST!

Claude wakes up and thankfully kicks his dad’s ass before things get any worse, and we cut to Peaches and her father. With the father trying to politely inform her that she is the devil because she enjoys sex. And then she starts sobbing as he screams bible quotes at her and threatens to beat her again. My god, this is so terrible- WAIT, SHE’S STILL IN HER UNDERWEAR?! You couldn’t have fucking waited for her to put some goddamn pants on?! JUST STOP IT WITH THE INCEST ALREADY!

Oh, never mind, I’m sure I’m just over-reacting. I mean, just because she’s not wearing pants doesn’t mean there’s going to be any more incest, right?

Huh, that was a weird silence, wonder why that was there. Anyway, we cut to Tate covered in blood, making a recording explaining that he murdered his grandparents with a knife while he was completely naked because his grandfather cheats at board games. While he was fully erect. And then he stole their dentures.

*shrill screaming heard only by dogs*

Just to be clear, when I called Tate a psychopath, that... that wasn't hyperbole.

Just to be clear, when I called Tate a psychopath, that… that wasn’t hyperbole.

This… this is… ANYWAY! It’s time for something a little less ungodly disturbing! But hah hah, you poor gullible bastard, this is Ken Park! There’s no such thing! So, we cut to Peaches and her father getting married! And then they kiss! 

I cannot possibly think of a joke to end this uncomfortable hell that doesn’t involve the phrase “The Aristocrats”, so lets just move on.

Over with Claude, he’s running away from home, which his mother seems completely apathetic towards! You know what, go ahead, get as far away from this fucking movie as possible. Because as soon as this is done, I’m hiring a hit on this entire goddamn town.

Shaun, meanwhile, is having lunch with his girlfriend’s family. Which, you know, would just be your average awkward lunch with the inlaws if it wasn’t for the fact that THIS LITTLE BASTARD IS SCHTUPPING TWO THIRDS OF THE WOMEN AT THIS TABLE! And I’m pretty sure the only reason he’s not going after the five year old is because if they did, this would slowly morph in to Child Bride territory, and I’m dealing with enough creepy fucking movie for a lifetime.

Also a movie that exists. Don’t ask. The 1930’s were a magical time.

So, anyway, Tate has gotten picked up by the cops, and meanwhile, Claude, Peaches, and Shaun are all fucking each other!

So. You have one scene where your leads are interacting, and you choose to make it the one where they spend the scene INSIDE OF EACH OTHER?! Stop that! There’s a chance you might reproduce, for god’s sake! GAH! I don’t like to watch these people NORMALLY, never mind when they’re NAKED! 

WHY IS THIS SCENE STILL GOING ON?!

So, yes, after Shaun is finished cheating on his girlfriend and his girlfriend’s mother, and Peaches is finished cheating on… her husband-daddy OH GOD WHY THE HELL IS THAT A FUCKING SENTENCE THAT I HAVE TO GODDAMN WRITE. Erm, I mean, after that, we finally bring the movie back to Ken Park! Oh right, that guy! You know, that guy that this WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE WAS NAMED AFTER!

Anyway, it’s time for the movie’s shocking final scene: See, it turns out, Ken Park killed himself because he accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant! Well, okay, I guess that’s a good reason to kill yourself.

No, wait, scratch that, that is quite possibly the worst reason to kill yourself, you selfish jackass.

“Are you gonna keep it?”

“I dunno. I mean, aren’t you glad your mother never got abortion?”

*thoughtful silence*

Wait, was that the moral of the story?

… Oh, fuck off, you sanctimoneous jackass. Korine, stick your dick in a blender and jack yourself off until you have a nice fine cock-slushie, because then, you’d at least have something close to actually being productive, but even then I doubt you could manage to fill a goddamn thimble.

… So, that was Ken Park! How was it?

The day this movie was born, the nurses all gathered ’round!

And they gazed at wide wonder, at this shit they had found!

The head nurse spoke up, said leave that shit alone! 

She could tell right away, that it was bad to the bone!

Bad to the bone!

Bad to the bone!

B-B-B-B-Bad!

B-B-B-B-Bad!

B-B-B-B-Bad!

Bad to the bone!

Reviewed a thousand films, before I met you!

Review a thousand more, before I am through!

I wanna hurt you, Korine!

Make you scream and groan!

I’m here you to tell you, writer,

This film’s bad to the bone!

Bad to the bone!

B-B-B-B-Bad!

B-B-B-B-Bad!

B-B-B-B-Bad!

Bad to the bone!

You gave a straight girl incest!

You gave a gay boy rape!

You made a jackass a cheater!

You gave those grandparents Tate!

Wanna get rid of this movie!

I wanna leave it alone!

I want this thing just abandoned!

‘Cause it’s bad to the bone!

B-B-B-B-Bad!

B-B-B-B-Bad!

B-B-B-B-Bad!

Bad to the bone!

And when I play this movie,

Scared critics step aside!

Every person who sees it,

They just huddle and cry!

I wanna tell you, Korine, 

You can never atone!

Ken Park is the worst!

AND IT’S BAD TO THE BONE!

 

 

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2 Responses to “‘Cause You’re Bad To The Bone: Ken Park Review, Part Three”

  1. Alexander Dunwall August 3, 2014 at 5:59 am #

    10/10
    …Your singing, not the movie. Screw that movie. My head hurts from trying to comprehend it.

    • averystrangeplace August 3, 2014 at 12:13 pm #

      Near as I can tell, by 2015, A Very Strange Place will just be a giant musical number. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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