Last Strip Club On The Left: Asian School Girls Review, Part Four

10 Aug

Gee, it’s always nice to know what my legacy will be. I’m sure “Guy Who Had To Sit Through Asian Goddamn School Girls” is going on my tombstone.

And yes, they get katanas, because all Asian people are ninjas. Obviously.

Previously, on Asian School Girls: Our three abused Asian school girls have gotten revenge on their attackers, cutting a bloody swath across the city of both the rapists, AND random civilians. But it turns out that they’ve pissed off the people in charge of Rapist Incorporated, because somebody stuffed a classmate in their trunk! Either that, or it’s a fraternity prank gone wrong.

[Editor’s Note: The girl in the trunk?]

No, this whole movie.

Ahem!

The girls start freaking out over the aforementioned trunk-girl, and decide that they need to find and kill everybody in the giant rapist conspiracy. Oh, and apparently the girl in the trunk was one of the girl’s sister? Way to establish that, movie! And they decide that the only way to track down the conspiracy is to… go to the club that started all this and let themselves get roofied?!

YOU ARE BAD AT DECISION MAKING.

Over at the police station, the detective is putting all the clues together and figures out that he’s in a rape revenge movie. The whole “genital mutilation” thing was kind of a give-away. And of course, the detective figures that this is definitely a win/win scenario for him: Either he finds them, and he puts away a gang of dangerous vigilantes, or he doesn’t, and every rapist in the city is gonna get an early retirement! Hmm, well, I can definitely respect a plan with “do as little work as possible” as the basis.

We cut to the club, with the girls putting the lure out for rapists, and after getting served drinks by a Edward James Olmos look-alike, they catch a nice 5-foot sleazebag! Who looks… exactly like the first guy, actually. Maybe rapists breed asexually, who knows. Anyway, the rapists take the girls to the “party” location, and- wait, why the hell is it the middle of the day now?! Wasn’t it night a minute ago? Why the hell would these guys be looking for victims at lunchtime?!

Anyway, now that they’re here, the schmucks are kind of pointless except for easy experience, so they try to kill them. Unfortunately, the Clone-Rapist not only knows kung-fu, BUT he has the mysterious power to suddenly make it night again! Oh, and he steals their gun. That part helps too.

Clone-Rapist shoots his partner in the head just to show that he is fo’ serious, yo, and drags the girls inside the evil headquarters. And now they’re in their underwear all of a sudden! Huh, the power of editing, I guess. They get tossed in to a big cage, right off of the set of hostel, and the leader drops by to mwa hah hah at them a bit and stroke his Snidely Whiplash mustache.

We cut to the gangster, trying to call the girls and find out where they are, and then we cut to the detective as he’s getting pulled off the case. Back with the gangster, he calls one of the girl’s brothers over, and explains. “Um, hey, you know how your sister has gone missing? Well, I kinda sold them a large amount of weapons and trained them to murder people hah hah by-gones?”

They don’t know about the whole “rape/revenge” thing yet, so while they try to investigate, we cut back to the girls. Annnnd now they’re wearing completely different underwear. Um. I guess there’s a Victoria’s Secret in the cage with them. They discuss how stupid men get when they’re horny, and speak of the devil, a big black man comes over to let one of the girls out for sex.

*slow clap*

FREAKING GENIUS.

She snaps his neck with her thighs (it’s the way he’d want to go) and tries to escape, but Clone-Rapist captures her, and we cut to her strapped to a gurney, at the mercy of the leader. Hmm. I think I’ll go with Dr. Rapist for him, seeing as he’s toting around a scalpel now- wait what.

Apparently, in response for her attempted escape, Dr. Rapist decided to try some involuntary female circumcision! And the only reason I’m not currently screaming in unholy horror right about now is because he gets called away on a business meeting. Ah, I guess I under-estimated you, Asylum, you do have standards! Anyway, we cut back to the two Asian schoolgirls still in the cell, having sex while they wait for a gang of rapists!

I really should put a break between those two sentences.

It cost me a bit of my soul to find this picture. I hope you’re happy.

We cut to the gangster at the strip club, asking the bouncer about the girls, and bribing him every ten seconds. Heh, okay, that’s funny. At the prison cell, the girl is brought back in from her examination by- hey, wait a second, that’s the guy they killed five minutes ago! “Very nice of you to give that dead guy another chance, sir.”

Anyway, they cry for a bit, and after seeing a quick cut of the detective and the gangster independently investigating, we cut to the gangster and the brother scamming their way in to the prison cell as customers. Oh, and they have their whole gang with them, and a massive collection of swords. And you know what that means… PEACEFUL RECONCILIATION!

Wait, no, I meant a massive fight scene. Sorry, I always get those two mixed up.

After slaughtering everything that needs slaughterin’, they escape… for about two seconds, after which we cut to them under arrest. Yeah, the detective caught them. And somewhere, a sad trombone cries. The detective understands how terrible the girl’s experience must have been, but he still has to arrest them for the brutal murder of-

“Wait, I know Dr. Rapist’s real name.”

“… You know, we could have cut like five minutes off the run-time if you had just led with that.”

The detective cuts them a deal: Help him nail this case, and all the evidence proving that they’re brutal vigilantes will “mysteriously vanish”. So, they head in to confront Dr. Rapist at his big fancy office, with the detective listening in to collect evidence that Dr. Rapist is truly behind all of this. Whiiiiich lasts about ten seconds, before Dr. Rapist’s henchmen run in and the fist fight begins.

With that over with, and Dr. Rapist strangled to death, the detective runs in and shoots his corrupt boss who has been helping Dr. Rapist. Who is… just standing there, I guess, because this movie is almost over and we need to wrap up the plot ASAP! All the bad guys are dead, nobody is arrested for no real reason, the detective offers to pay them money to kill rapists after they’ve graduated, annnnd we’re done here!

So! That was Asian School Girls! How was it? Unbelievably offensive, poorly acted, poorly written, poorly directed, sexist, racist, several different kinds of -ist, and all around UNPLEASANT TO FUCKING SIT THROUGH!

THANKS FOR ASKING!

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2 Responses to “Last Strip Club On The Left: Asian School Girls Review, Part Four”

  1. Alexander Dunwall August 11, 2014 at 6:37 am #

    Y’know when you asked about rape before…I didn’t exactly expect this to come up.

    DAMN YOU, GODS OF NETFLIX.

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