Rake Up And Smell The Roses: The Rake Review, Part One

15 Aug

[… I would like to apologize in advance for that title pun. Rest assured, I’ve already been whipped.]

… I am really having trouble taking something called “The Rake” seriously. I mean, how am I supposed to react to that? Eee, that’s the scariest gardening implement!

“Oh, hey. Sleeping well?”

Okay, according to my google searches, the Rake is a supernatural bastard, born off a Creepypasta and wrapped up in to the Slender-Man mythos, and far more importantly for our purposes, the subject of a found footage film I ran across on YouTube! Because… you know, things I find on YouTube always end well.


The films opens with… oh god, your standard “this is all totally real, fo’ shizzle” disclaimer. Which, according to the Found Footage Drinking Game that I just made up, means you have to take a shot! And then we truly open with our collection of bland teenagers who make up the protagonists, driving along in a car as they film! Annnnnnd take two more shots.

The trio introduce themselves, then they take the time to explain the plot. That’s nice of them. See, the three are heading out in to the woods to live out there for a month with absolutely no contact with the outside world. Awkward exposition to the camera? Big scary woods? A suicidally stupid plan? Three more shots.

(Oh god, we’re not even three minutes in and we already have six shots. This is going to be a problem.)

They exchange small talk with each other while they drive, and hey, credit where credit is due, the three young men are actually pretty good actors! I totally believe that they’re three teenagers talking about boring shit that nobody cares about!

Anyway, they make it to the store, and start shopping for supplies. Oh god, three morons trying to live in the forest for a month, for absolutely no contact with anybody else, and no prior survival experience? We don’t even need the Rake, these idiots are going to be swimming around a bear’s digestive tract before the week is out.

But then again, I always hope for a happy ending.

As it turns out, survival stores hate it when you try and film them, so the trio are tossed out on their asses before they can buy anything, and they decide to just grab supplies from the dollar store. Because, eh, you know, cheap Pez dispensers, survival supplies, same difference.

And next thing you know, they’re in the woods! Annnnnd yep, they’re still yammering like utter morons about crap nobody cares about. God, I get enough of this crap from high school, I don’t need it in fucking stereo! Take a shot for people discussing mundane crap nobody cares about. Only one shot, of course, because if I made you take a shot every time it happened, you’ll be getting your stomach pumped before the second act.

So, they hike in to the woods, and take a shot for over-exaggerated shaky cam! And while they hike, the guy totting the camera around tells a spooky story about when his grandfather was in the woods and ran across the Rake. Hmm. Spooky story about the plot, and it featured something that happened to a grandparent? A little bit of Marble Hornets, a little bit of Tribe Twelve… yeah, take a shot.

(By the way, you can’t blame me for any problems this causes with your liver.)

The three of them find a spot to set up their tent, and proceed to do so once night falls. At least, I think that’s what’s going on. Shaky cam and complete darkness go together like Tabasco and contact lenses. Oh, and then we get an almost minute long break of… a black screen, while they sleep! Gee. How exciting. And once they wake up, one of their party is nowhere to be seen, and his clothes are scattered across the campsite.

… Dangerously erotic?

The guy with the camera seems incredibly worried about their missing member, to an almost… alarming degree. Aww, I’m sure those crazy kids are going to make it. So, they pack up the tent and wait for what’s-his-face to get back. And to be fair, camera-guy is doing a great job at acting completely terrified. He… legitimately sounds scared and worried. Either he’s a good actor, or they actually kidnapped that kid!

So, the search for what’s-his-face begins! And we’re walking, and walking, and walking, until they suddenly hear an ear piercing shriek echo through the forest. Which they… for some reason think is their friend. Um. Unless your friend has a scream like a buzz-saw stubbing his toe, I don’t think you’re having any luck here.

They run off the path, trying to find where the scream came from, and after a cut, camera-guy explains that they’ve been walking up this hill, trying to find him, for eight miles. Okay, you know what, if I had a friend who made me run an uphill fucking marathon to try and find him, I’m pretty sure I’d just run off and find a new, better friend.

Oh, and take a shot for “mysterious sound in the distance”, and now that I’m thinking about it, take a shot for “white guy protagonists”, “bromance”, “screaming somebody’s name as you try to find them”, and “nature hike”. Thirteen shots in! That’s… that’s lucky, right?

Your cricket-filled silence is not appreciated.

4 Responses to “Rake Up And Smell The Roses: The Rake Review, Part One”

  1. Alexander Dunwall August 16, 2014 at 12:49 am #

    *Cricket* *Cricket*


  1. If You Go Down To The Woods Today: The Rake Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - August 16, 2014

    […] on The Rake: Three entirely stupid teenagers decided to go traipsing off in to the forest to live there for a […]

  2. Internet Campfire Tales: The Rake Review! (Creepypasta!) | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - August 20, 2014

    […] where I’ll spotlight, review, and indeed, mock said Creepypastas! And after my review of the Rake’s major motion picture debut, it seems very fitting that his big Creepypasta debut is […]

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