If You Go Down To The Woods Today: The Rake Review, Part Two

16 Aug

Ah, yes, welcome back to the Found Footage Film Drinking Game, where livers go to die!

Oh, and the Rake review too, I guess. You know, if you’re in to that.

Did I forget to mention you could watch this yourself on YouTube? Well… you can. So there.

Previously, on The Rake: Three entirely stupid teenagers decided to go traipsing off in to the forest to live there for a month, and naturally, one of them vanishes about five minutes in. Color me surprised.


The two schmucks are taking a break from their search, and of course, mention that there’s no cell reception out here. Take a shot! They manage to find an empty journal in their friend’s knapsack, which includes a spooky description of the Rake, and spelling out his dark and troubled past with the monster. Damn, if you listen closely, you can hear it trying desperately to become Marble Hornets. Two more shots!

The two head off in to the woods again, blathering about how they need to find their friend, and wonder if Andrew, the friend that they snubbed and refused to let him come, is behind this. Which they very quickly decide he isn’t, ten seconds later. Well. That was an important scene. What, is this Andrew guy blackmailing you to show up in the movie? I’m pretty sure he’s been mentioned more than the fucking Rake!

Pictured: An optometrist’s wet dream.

Next scene, we’re forced to sit here and watch these two dumbasses set up a tent!


(Edit: Okay, having watched it more closely, I’ve figured out while this scene is here. You can actually see the Rake in the background, just… kind of hanging there! Which means, yes, TAKE A SHOT!)

After, oh, a straight goddamn minute of that passes, they stop for food, and decide to… eat peanut butter. And discuss what happened to their friend. Again. Goddammit, this movie is a damn Mobius Strip! They walk. They talk. They make a tent. They walk. They talk. They make a tent. Oh, and bring up that Andrew guy again, because that’s such bold new ground!

That night, they wake up in the middle of the night to find something pushing on the tent from the outside, so they switch the camera to night vision and start looking for their friend again! Yes, because it was totally your friend who decided to say absolutely nothing, walk up to your tent, poke it, and run off.

While they search, the camera guy takes a stumble and his camera starts glitching out. Take a shot, and while you’re at it, take a shot for the night vision! Camera guy manages to run across the Rake, who screams at him and runs off. I… wait, what?! He just leaves? What kind of stupid ass monster goes RUNNING from the dumbass teenager who is sprawled and stunned in a pitch black forest?! WHY?!

“Um. Look, I’m sorry, but I’m just not feeling it today. Maybe if you and your victim friends started makin’ out or something, maybe I could get it up…”

“It happens to every man! Well, it happens to you. A lot.”

After staying up all night, watching for the Rake, the duo head out hiking the next morning, trying to find the abandoned mine shaft in the woods. Because, you know, they have to have their dramatic final encounter somewhere. But while they walk, they hear the scream of the Rake echo through the woods again. Either that, or a chainsaw just gave birth to a squalling baby woodchipper.

They try sneaking through the woods after that, which really only accomplishes making this stupid hiking scene take even longer. And if you’ve gotten the rhythm of the movie down yet, then you know what’s coming! Yes, now they’re setting up camp again! Thankfully, we don’t have to watch them actually set up the tent, lest I have to kill again.

We cut to them waking up in the middle of the night, when they hear the Rake screaming his pansy head off again. And of course, one of them decides that the best possible solution is to… step outside the tent to see if anything is there!

“Well, sure, I’ll step outside into the pitch black forest to check for the monster that we already know is out there- oh god the monster grabbed me how could I possibly have seen this coming.”

That just leaves the camera guy, who, rather amusingly, decides that the best solution to the encroaching monster is to build a pillow fort to protect himself! You know what, yeah, I’ll pretty sure that’s what most of us would do. But he needs to check to see if his friend is alive, so he runs out of the tent… and then hides, two feet away.

You know, I’d make fun of that, but it actually works. He spends the entire night like that, huddled in a bush, and the stupid Rake still can’t find him! Wow, you are the WORST monster. The camera guy stays awake all night, and once the morning comes, he heads up the hill in to a big field to try and find the mine. Oh, and the Rake is still screaming his head off every five fucking seconds. You know, murdering people isn’t a fucking game of Marco Polo!

The screen flashes to “the video cuts out for 33 minutes”, which is weird, because when it cuts back in, it’s completely dark out! Um. Why is it night again? Wasn’t it dawn five minutes ago? Anyway, it doesn’t matter, because literally two seconds later, the Rake jumps him! Annnnnd the end!

… Take one shot for the abrupt ending, one shot for the dead protagonist, one shot for the wildly fluctuating time frame, and take five for a monster with absolutely in background or explanation whatsoever! Which, I believe if you tally it all up, equals to 26 shots! Or, in other words, completely fucking sloshed!

So, that was The Rake! How was it?

*awkward cough*

It’s… well, okay, it’s not GOOD, that part is obviously. It’s unbelievably cliched, as I hope I’ve made clear, but to be fair, I’m fairly certain there was… no budget here. Like, none at all. This just screams student film. And hey, the acting is pretty good, and the effects on the Rake, especially that cool scream, is pretty cool!

So, I think that’s my conclusion: It’s not good, but for what it is, it’s not that bad! Check it out, if you too are a student film maker and are looking for some tips!

… Or, you know, if you need your stomach pumped.

One Response to “If You Go Down To The Woods Today: The Rake Review, Part Two”


  1. Internet Campfire Tales: The Rake Review! (Creepypasta!) | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - August 20, 2014

    […] where I’ll spotlight, review, and indeed, mock said Creepypastas! And after my review of the Rake’s major motion picture debut, it seems very fitting that his big Creepypasta debut is the first […]

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