I’m Too Sexy For My Foreign Film: Sexual Chronicles Of A French Family Review, Part One

17 Aug

Oh me, oh my, what have I gotten myself in to. Sexual Chronicles Of A French Family has, get ready for this, 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Lemme repeat that. From a reviewing site that gave The Human Centipede a 49% score, Ken Park a 43% score, and Trash Humpers a 58% score, this film has gotten ZERO.

… This is going to go WELL.

OH, GODDAMMIT, IFC! Not you again! Where’s the fucking quality control?!

Um… Yeah, nothing more I can really bring to this table, so let’s get right in!

Ahem!

Today’s foreign film opens with a close up of some blond woman’s face. Until the camera pans down and shows us her masturbating!

… Lemme guess, the punchline is “The Aristocrats”?

We cut to a pale faced teenager as he narrates his life story. Depressingly, of course, because he’s a pale faced teenager. I’m pretty sure that’s the only mode that they have.

[Editor’s Note: Wait, aren’t YOU a pale faced teenager-]

SAY ANOTHER WORD AND I WILL CUT YOU.

So, we’re introduced to the titular French family! Ol’ pale face is named Romain, the adopted sister with a boob job is Marie, the “cool brother” is Pierre- oh, of course he’s named Pierre. They’re in France after all, being Pierre is required by law. And I heard if you don’t, they abandon you in the Cheese, Wine, And Jerry Lewis Gulag.

Romain thinks about sex for a while at dinner, because he’s a teenage boy, and we cut to him filming himself masturbating… in the middle of class. Um, first of all, ew. Second of all, fucking ew. And third of all, WHY DID YOU THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?! THERE WAS NO POSITIVE OUTCOME THERE! WHAT, WERE YOU GOING TO STICK YOUR DICK IN A THREE-RING BINDER TO CLIMAX?!

*pinch bridge of nose between fingers*

Anyway! The Mom gets called in, and the principal breaks the news to her that her son is secretly a cast member of Ken Park, and he gets suspended. Which is really surprisingly light, actually. Pretty sure if you tried that in a Canadian school, they’d take you out back and take your genitals off with a belt sander. Very politely, of course. Probably while drinking Tim Horton’s.

IT’S NOT STEREOTYPING IF IT’S TRUE.

The Mom picks up Romain from the infirmary, and gets him to explain himself. Apparently, it was a dare, and all the kids are doin’ it, he’s just the only one to get caught! Um. Okay. I guess we can add “French people are sexual deviants” to the “Foreign Stereotype Super Powers” list.

Because of all this, the Mom and Dad realize that they haven’t spoken with their children about their sex lives, and discuss how they’ve failed as parents. And meanwhile, Romain is… texting with somebody who is reviewing his video?!

Okay, just putting this out there now, that is the one thing I will never review.

After a cut to Marie making out in a parking lot, and then a cut to some old man doing Sudoku (… alrighty then), we cut to Pierre masturbating to porn. And then back to Marie, now fucking in a car. I’d complain, but really, I don’t know what I was expecting from something called “Sexual Chronicles Of A French Family”.

The next morning, life is all awkward for Romain around his parents, which, come on, are you really surprised here? You stuck your dick out in the middle of biology class! 

… Everyone knows you save that for math class!

The Mom asks about where Marie was last night, then asks what happened to Pierre’s ex, then asks if Romain has a girlfriend, and basically just makes everything incredibly awkward and difficult to make a joke about. And then she asks their live-in grandpa, Sudoku Man, about- wait, I think I have a clip for this.

There we go!

The answer is, he hires a prostitute! And then they have a long… drawn out… lifeless… boring… conversation… about it. Holy tapdancing cocks, this is the first movie I’ve ever seen that can make prostitutes boring. (Other than Citizen Cocks, of course.)

Romain is talking with Coralie, his friend and reviewer of dick pics, and then he gets invited to lunch with Sudoku Guy! And meanwhile, while you’re busy wondering why this scene is so goddamn lifeless, we cut to Marie fucking in the woods! Well. It’s always nice to intercut boring dialogue with boring sex! Seriously, can anyone in this movie even pretend like they care?

While Romain and Sudoku plays cards, Romain wonders whether or not his Dad is cheating on his Mom. And then more Marie sex scene, which is truly wondrous. Not the sex, of course, I mean the blanket they’re fucking on. It looks really soft!

After some more Romain whining about not getting laid, we cut to… I don’t even know. Um. Two guys, one of whom is Pierre, masturbating over some woman in nylons before she gives them oral sex? And after cutting around to see Romain sleeping, while Coralie texts him and tells him she misses him, we cut back to their weird threesome thing!

Wait, wait, I think I just figured out the movie’s theme song.

And yet, those bunnies are still sexier than these damn sex scenes.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “I’m Too Sexy For My Foreign Film: Sexual Chronicles Of A French Family Review, Part One”

  1. Alexander Dunwall August 18, 2014 at 8:45 am #

    Damn French.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. … I Regret This: Sexual Chronicles Of A French Family Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - August 18, 2014

    […] Previously, on Sexual Chronicles Of A French Family: Romain isn’t getting laid, Pierre and Marie are getting laid, Grandpa Sudoku is hiring a hooker, and Mom and Dad are dull as dishwater! There we go, now just stretch that sentence over half an hour while somehow making it more awkward and yet less interesting, and you have this movie in a nutshell. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: