… I Regret This: Sexual Chronicles Of A French Family Review, Part Two

18 Aug

… So, just to be clear, none of you are ever allowed to look me in eyes again after this review.

The alternate title is “Pornhub, The Major Motion Picture”.

Previously, on Sexual Chronicles Of A French Family: Romain isn’t getting laid, Pierre and Marie are getting laid, Grandpa Sudoku is hiring a hooker, and Mom and Dad are dull as dishwater! There we go, now just stretch that sentence over half an hour while somehow making it more awkward and yet less interesting, and you have this movie in a nutshell.

ZERO PERCENT, LEMME REMIND YOU!

Ahem!

We cut to Grandpa Sudoku hiring his hooker, and… oh, yeah, this was just the perfect fucking place to jump back in. Yep, totally what I wanted on my website: grandpa fucking! 

… And if I get any traffic because of it, I am burning Google down and collecting on the insurance money.

Anyway, with that over with, we cut to the Mom calling up Pierre to schedule dinner together! And after a quick cut to establish that yep, Romain is still whiny, and that Marie is apparently getting a tattoo on her nethers, we cut to them having dinner! But uh oh, Pierre has to leave in an hour!

“Really? How come?”

“… Um. A friend of mine hurt themselves… biking. Yes, that’s it. No, wait, his BROTHER hurt himself biking. And I need to go… bike away the pain. And it totally has nothing to do with the orgy I have scheduled tonight.”

“…”

“Hey look! This restaurant has soup!”

And while they’re doing that, we have some double strength awkward over with Romain and his Dad, who are also having dinner. And Romain has apparently burst down sobbing because his Dad lost his virginity earlier than Romain did! Oh, good god, you French prat, you need to actually grow some balls before you have anything to do with them.

Back with the Mom and Pierre, the conversation is going well!

Did I say “well”? I meant, bone crunchingly awkward.

So yeah, the Mom starts interrogating Pierre about his sex life, before he has to run off to go… repair bikes. With his wang. Well, that conversation was awkward. I certainly hope Romain and his Dad are having better luck!

“Are you cheating on my mother?”

… I am going to sit this entire cast down and teach them how to talk like a goddamn human being.

But yeah, the answer is no, if you’re actually curious. The reason that the Dad keeps buying condoms is to keep from having any more kids with his wife. Annnnnd then Romain starts sobbing again. But… you know, it keeps him from opening his fucking mouth, so it all works out.

While Marie gets some wine from a bar, we cut to Pierre and his little threeway party. Why, hello, two other people who I know absolutely fuck-all about, sure I’d love to see you bang! You know, it’s actually kind of weird. Because no matter how many sex scenes there are, they always block out all the gory details. So yeah, we can watch a girl getting banged five ways from Sunday, but as long as we don’t see actual penetration, it’s just fine! Throw it on Spongebob for all we care!

Anyway, we cut over to the Dad and Mom discussing their findings for the evening. “Romain thought I was cheating on you.”

“Maybe he’s right!”

“You’re cheating on me?”

“You bet I am. Didn’t you know? I can even pick and choose! Lots to choose from!”

“What’s he like?”

“He’s… auburn hair, brown eyes. You wanna know what we do?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, so lie on the floor naked.”

… THIS IS NOT HOW PEOPLE TALK! THIS IS NOT HOW CONVERSATIONS WORK! YOU COULD NOT MAKE THESE PEOPLE ANY MORE LIFELESS IF YOU PUT A STAKE THROUGH THEIR HEART AND BURIED THEM IN THE FUCKING CROSSROADS!

NOT THAT KIND OF CROSSROADS!

ANYWAY! In case you’re actually curious, the Mom tells the Dad that the guy does nothing, and she’s in control the whole time, and lifeless sex scene is go! Over with Romain, he’s a ticking time bomb of hormones and is going out of his damn mind. Not that that’s anything new for Romain, of course. Annnnnd cue five second cut of Marie having more sex! Gee, those five seconds were surely important to the plot.

And back to the parents, and I swear to god, you could not find a more lifeless sex scene if you just cut it out of Nekromantik! In fact, that’s probably what this movie is! There we go, I’ve decided. This movie is secretly “Nekromantik 3: Somehow, We Made It Worse”.

And back with Marie. I’d ask what this has to do with the plot, but I think it’s wildly clear at this point that there isn’t a plot. It’s just… fuckin’. That’s… that’s all this is. Awkward conversations about sex, followed by awkward sex. Do we have anything here that isn’t awkward? What’s that? Romain is making out with Coralie in the next scene? You know what, I’ll take it! Cute and awkward trumps boring and awkward every day of the week!

After they’re done smoochin’, Romain’s narration cuts in again. Seems after Coralie made it clear that everyone in school was masturbating in class, they dropped all the charges! Um. I don’t… I… I don’t think that’s how the legal system works. But more importantly, now that Coralie and Romain have kissed, it’s time for their awkward teenage sex scene!

Well, how cute! It’s the scene they show on all of the posters! And… yep, they’re… they’re making out alright. Still… still making out. Awkwardly. And slowly. And stripping their clothes off. And… okay, how long is this scene?

TEN MINUTES?!

… This is… this is… oh my god, this is Cinematic Purgatory. This is the seventh level of film hell. Screw the fire and the red-hot pokers, this is the greatest goddamn suffering. You know how porn gets people in the mood for sex? Yeah, this is like the exact opposite of that. This is anti-porn, it makes sex look really unappealing and degrading. No, no, not even that, just… lifeless. Just pain and quiet desperation and sad expressions and pasty man-ass and OH MY GOD, IS THIS SCENE STILL GOING ON?! END! IS IT IN FUCKING REAL TIME?! JUST END! YOU’RE NOT DOING ANYONE ANY FAVORS HERE!

It’s still not over, by the way. I’ve been writing this in real-time, haven’t paused it once, and they’re… just… still… fucking. Okay, it’s official, I’m hacking my damn cock off once I’m done here. Anything that can get me as far away from this garbage as possible! 

“One year later…”

Wait, is that a cut, or is that how long the scene lasted?

Apparently, a year later, Grandpa Sudoku had a heart attack while he was bangin’ his prostitute. Which really, is the way we all want to go. And thankfully, we don’t have to watch it! Not because the director has a sense of mercy, mind, they just used up all their spare run-time on the pedophilia thing.

While they all sit around in lifeless mourning, Pierre says that he’s bisexual, and then Mom talks about how everybody alive absolutely loves sex! Annnnd all the asexuals in the audience are officially pissed off.

I really hope this is the official symbol of the Ace community, or this is going to be REALLY offensive.

Apparently nowadays, Coralie is a regular member of the family, and Marie no longer constantly thinks about sex! Well. Okay, we cut to her talking about masturbation with her boyfriend, who proceeds to demonstrate for her, but… you know, baby steps.

And back with the Mom and Dad, they- okay, really, it doesn’t matter any more. There’s no story, no character arcs, absolutely nothing to pay attention to- just BORING ASS CONVERSATIONS!

Okay, we cut over to- END! WHY WON’T THIS END!

Erm. Sorry, I don’t know what happened there. Anyway, we cut to Romain and Coralie filming themselves fucking and uploading it online. Great, now you’re peddlers of child pornography. Charming. Can we move on? I think I am officially out of ways to say that I loathe this. Blah blah blah, family photo, everyone is happy, roll credits, AND WE’RE DONE!

So! That was Sexual Chronicles Of A French Family! How was it?

A ZERO PERCENT SCORE WAS TOO FUCKING GENEROUS! 

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