Internet Campfire Tales: The Rake, A Creepypasta Review!

20 Aug

Oh, I am looking forward to this! Welcome, you degenerate bastards, to Internet Campfire Talesthe only web series to share with your friends around a router-fire!

internet_campfire_tales

Anyone here a fan of Creepypastas? They are, essentially, just scary stories shared and written over the internet! Ergo, “Internet Campfire Tales”! See, see? I’M CLEVER! SHUT UP!

So here, ladies and gentlemen, is my brand new segment where I’ll spotlight, review, and indeed, mock said Creepypastas! And after my review of the Rake’s major motion picture debut, it seems very fitting that his big Creepypasta debut is the first segment that’ll kick us off!

Ahem!

During the summer of 2003, events in the northeastern United States involving a strange, human-like creature sparked brief local media interest before an apparent blackout was enacted.”

Yeah, the government managed to blackout the entire northeastern United States back in 2003. You probably never heard about it, everyone in 2003 was pretty busy with… with… listening to Shake Ya Tailfeather by Nelly?! Jesus, is that seriously the only thing that happened in 2003? You guys were lucky to get blacked out.

“Little or no information was left intact, as most online and written accounts of the creature were mysteriously destroyed.”

Incidentally enough, the same thing also happened to Shake Ya Tailfeather and Nelly! Seriously, am I the only one who remembers that garbage?

“Primarily focused in rural New York state and once found in Idaho, self proclaimed witnesses told stories of their encounters with a creature of unknown origin.”

Don’t worry, everyone, it’s just Nick Nolte.

Emotions ranged from extremely traumatic levels of fright and discomfort, to an almost childlike sense of playfulness and curiosity. While their published versions are no longer on record, the memories remained powerful.”

Yep, definitely Nick Nolte. People, listen, if you find a Nick Nolte in your house, don’t be scared. Just call your local authorities, they have a very humane trap that they use just for him and they’ll release him back in to the Hollywood Hills.

Pictured: A Nick Nolte, being drawn stage right by some off-screen peanut butter.

“Several of the involved parties began looking for answers that year. In early 2006, the collaboration had accumulated nearly two dozen documents dating between the 12th century and present day, spanning 4 continents. In almost all cases, the stories were identical.”

Just like those “Lost Episode” Creepypastas? Boo yah, surprise burn!

“I’ve been in contact with a member of this group and was able to get some excerpts from their upcoming book.”

What’s the title, “Lies This Creepypasta Told Me”?

A Suicide Note: 1964. “As I prepare to take my life, I feel it necessary to assuage any guilt or pain I have introduced through this act. It is not the fault of anyone other than him.”

I heard people who worked with Michael Bay say the same thing.

“For once I awoke and felt his presence. And once I awoke and saw his form. Once again I awoke and heard his voice, and looked into his eyes.”

So, that’s, what, three times you woke up in five seconds? Does your alarm clock have a fucking stutter?

“I cannot sleep without fear of what I might next awake to experience. I cannot ever wake. Goodbye.””

Monsters Inc, The Terrifying True Story.

“Found in the same wooden box were two empty envelopes addressed to William and Rose, and one loose personal letter with no envelope: “Dearest Linnie, I have prayed for you. He spoke your name.””

Well, to be precise, he beat-boxed your name, but same dif’.

A Journal Entry (translated from Spanish): 1880. “I have experience the greatest terror. I have experienced the greatest terror. I have experienced the greatest terror.”

Oh, what, have you experienced the greatest terror? I HADN’T NOTICED!

“I see his eyes when I close mine. They are hollow. Black. They saw me and pierced me.”

And the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss, they’re perfectly aligned…

“His wet hand. I will not sleep. His voice (unintelligible text).””

Yeah, they fight.

But the sex is fantastic.

A Mariner’s Log: 1691. “He came to me in my sleep. From the foot of my bed I felt a sensation. He took everything.”

Even… oh, come on! He took my shoelaces! Who even does that?!

“We must return to England. We shall not return here again at the request of the Rake.””

Yeah, that’s how I get people to leave my house too. Coming to them in their sleep, perching on the foot of the bed and taking everything? Gets ’em every time.

From a Witness: 2006. “Three years ago, I had just returned from a trip from Niagara Falls with my family for the 4th of July. We were all very exhausted after a long day of driving, so my husband and I put the kids right to bed and called it a night.”

After taking the mandatory time away from the kids for kinky sex, of course. Break out the whips and sex-tridents!

“At about 4am, I woke up thinking my husband had gotten up to use the restroom. I used the moment to steal back the sheets, only to wake him in the process. I apologized and told him I though he got out of bed.”

Wait, you ‘though’ he got out of bed? Great, a spelling mistake, you totally killed the mood. Now I have to work to get my horror boner back up…

If he ever tried to scratch an itch, it’d be a reconstructive surgeon’s wet dream.

“When he turned to face me, he gasped and pulled his feet up from the end of the bed so quickly his knee almost knocked me out of the bed. He then grabbed me and said nothing.”

Honey? I want a divorce.

“After adjusting to the dark for a half second, I was able to see what caused the strange reaction. At the foot of the bed, sitting and facing away from us, there was what appeared to be a naked man, or a large hairless dog of some sort.”

Hey, that’s no way to describe your husband- oh, wait, you mean the Rake. Never mind.

“Its body position was disturbing and unnatural, as if it had been hit by a car or something. For some reason, I was not instantly frightened by it, but more concerned as to its condition. At this point I was somewhat under the assumption that we were supposed to help him.”

… You are bad at decision making.

“My husband was peering over his arm and knee, tucked into the fetal position, occasionally glancing at me before returning to the creature.”

Way to spring in to action, jackass. Is “curl in to the fetal position” your reaction to most problems, or do you usually add “urinate submissively” to your itinerary?

“In a flurry of motion, the creature scrambled around the side of the bed, and then crawled quickly in a flailing sort of motion right along the bed until it was less than a foot from my husband’s face.”

And then the threesome happened. Right there. It was pretty hot.

“… Baby.”

“The creature was completely silent for about 30 seconds (or probably closer to 5, it just seemed like a while) just looking at my husband. The creature then placed its hand on his knee and ran into the hallway, leading to the kids’ rooms.”

In retrospect, hiring the Rake for a baby sitter was probably not the best idea.

“I screamed and ran for the lightswitch, planning to stop him before he hurt my children. When I got to the hallway, the light from the bedroom was enough to see it crouching and hunched over about 20 feet away. He turned around and looked directly at me, covered in blood. I flipped the switch on the wall and saw my daughter Clara.”

Oh, I get it now! So this is the real origin story of Clara Oswin Oswald!

“The creature ran down the stairs while my husband and I rushed to help our daughter. She was very badly injured and spoke only once more in her short life. She said “he is the Rake”.”

And she knows this because… fuck you, that’s why.

“My husband drove his car into a lake that night, while rushing our daughter to the hospital.”

… Wait, what?! 

“They did not survive.”

OH REALLY GOSH I’M SO SURPRISED I JUST FIGURED THEY COULD BREATH UNDER FUCKING WATER. Seriously, what the hell was that? No build up, no foreshadowing, just ‘oh, by the way, they tried to fuck with Aquaman’?

“Being a small town, news got around pretty quickly. The police were helpful at first, and the local newspaper took a lot of interest as well. However, the story was never published and the local television news never followed up either.”

Well, sure, but in all fairness, it wasn’t very interesting anyway.

“For several months, my son Justin and I stayed in a hotel near my parent’s house. After we decided to return home, I began looking for answers myself.”

Wiki-Answers said that the Rake was actually a lizard who runs the government, so I guess they’re right. Since when has Wiki-Answers EVER been wrong?!

Wiki-Answers: We’re Sorry. We’re So, So Sorry.

“I eventually located a man in the next town over who had a similar story. We got in contact and began talking about our experiences. He knew of two other people in New York who had seen the creature we now referred to as the Rake.”

Wait, they’re New Yorkers? Are you sure they weren’t just talking about starring in Rent?

“It took the four of us about two solid years of hunting on the internet and writing letters to come up with a small collection of what we believe to be accounts of the Rake.”

We also found, like, six thousand petabytes of porn, but that was unrelated.

“None of them gave any details, history or follow up. One journal had an entry involving the creature in its first 3 pages, and never mentioned it again. A ship’s log explained nothing of the encounter, saying only that they were told to leave by the Rake. That was the last entry in the log.”

Y- yeah. We know. We… we already read that part. Mind moving on?

“There were, however, many instances where the creature’s visit was one of a series of visits with the same person. Multiple people also mentioned being spoken to, my daughter included.”

He’s climbin’ in yo’ windows, rakin’ your people up…

“This led us to wonder if the Rake had visited any of us before our last encounter.”

And THIS is how I met your mother.

“I set up a digital recorder near my bed and left it running all night, every night, for two weeks. I would tediously scan through the sounds of me rolling around in my bed each day when I woke up. By the end of the second week, I was quite used to the occasional sound of sleep while blurring through the recording at 8 times the normal speed. (This still took almost an hour every day)”

You are officially the dullest motherfucker around.

“On the first day of the third week, I thought I heard something different.”

I farted in my sleep! Astounding!

“What I found was a shrill voice. It was the Rake.”

I know that it was him because shut up.

“I can’t listen to it long enough to even begin to transcribe it. I haven’t let anyone listen to it yet. All I know is that I’ve heard it before, and I now believe that it spoke when it was sitting in front of my husband. I don’t remember hearing anything at the time, but for some reason, the voice on the recorder immediately brings me back to that moment.”

Yep, that’s totally what happened, and there’s definitely no sloppy writing involved here!

“The thoughts that must have gone through my daughter’s head make me very upset.”

I won’t elaborate on what KIND of thoughts, just… you know. THOUGHTS.

“I have not seen the Rake since he ruined my life, but I know that he has been in my room while I slept.”

Yeah, she knows because he keeps hogging the sheets.

“I know and fear that one night I’ll wake up to see him staring at me.””

Can they make this marriage work?

So, that was The Rake! How was it?

… Meh?

I mean, it’s not bad, I don’t want to make it seem like it’s bad. It’s pretty well written, bar a couple spelling mistakes here and there, but the main problem is the complete lack of emotion with any of the personal accounts! I mean, you’re being tortured by some crazy eldritch abomination, could you put a little effort into it? Especially that last one! This thing has MURDERED YOUR DAUGHTER AND HUSBAND, could you at least pretend to give a damn?

And the Rake is really just a weak concept for a monster. It has all of the vagueness and disappointment of Slender Man, but none of the flavor. (Not that Slendy has a lot of flavor to begin with, but we’ll get to that later.) So, what, he’s some kind of naked dog man who drives people crazy just with his massive B.O? There is, quite frankly, nothing here to latch on to! No personality, no interesting quirk, he just shows up, stabs you, and leaves. Whoopdy doo.

What did you think of the story? Feel free to let me know, and while you’re at it, let me know what you think of Internet Campfire Tales!

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