Bustin’ Makes Me Feel Good: The Apparition Review, Part One

21 Aug

Oh, it’s been a while since we’ve spotlighted a ghost movie on here! Which is fitting, because according to the box office records, The Apparition was dead on arrival!

Pictured: A group hug gone terribly wrong.

The Apparition was released on 2012, which I’m guessing you didn’t actually know, because this movie just disappeared. Which I guess is kind of a blessing. Seriously, when your Wikipedia page features the phrase “box office bomb”, “hauntingly inept”, and “hilariously non-scary”, you should just count yourself lucky that you somehow avoided becoming a notorious bomb.

Ahem!

The film opens with an up-close shot of film reels for about, oh, five seconds longer then it needed to be, before cutting to old footage of a bunch of poorly dressed people performing a seance. And suddenly, it cuts to college students totting shelves of high tech equipment through their university at top speed! Oh god, the “wacky shenanigans” music is playing, get the gun.

After they get it there, we get a rapid montage of setting up equipment, before our three university students and their camera man begin the experiment. Essentially, they’re going to think really, really hard about creating a ghost, and then a ghost will happen. Damn. Tenure must rock.

Eventually, the table starts shaking, knocking over their little ghost figurine, and then the entire basement starts shaking. And then the figurine explodes, the lights flicker, and things progressively fall to shit. Well, it’s nice to know that they only had to think for about, oh, ten seconds to warp the fabric of reality around them. And somewhere, the Ghostbusters just shake their head and sigh.

The girl of the group gets spirited away, and we cut to the title card, before cutting to the domestic life of two of the dullest people around. I had to go back over and over again, trying to figure out if this Harmony Korine look-alike was one of the college students from earlier, and… yeah, I don’t have a clue. This is what happens when you cast your movie with nothing but generic looking white people! They all look the same!

[Editor’s Note: … Wait, is that racist?]

Hey, some of my best friends are white! … And me! Mostly me, actually- amend that first point, me being white was really the more important point there.

[Editor’s  Note: Shouldn’t you get back to the movie?]

“Hey, honey! Lets go cactus shopping!”

“Yaaaaay!”

… I don’t think I’m missing anything.

… The face of terror?

Yeah, we’ve spent about 7 minutes here, just watching Korine-Clone and Perky Girlfriend just… hanging out. Going to work, eating dinner, buying cactus’, driving to the suburbs, watching YouTube videos, unpacking their stuff, and finally, finally, we get a plot point! Namely, the new cactus they bought? IT DIED.

So, is there… any plot here? Any at all? I’d take bits of other movie’s plots, at this point. Maybe staple on something from Casablanca? “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful haunting”? No?

Okay, so… yeah! Korine-Clone and Perky are renting in the suburbs for her parents, they only have one other neighbor in the whole suburb, and they’re playing Street Fighter together, annnnnd that’s about it. Oh, and there’s a stain on the counter. So… that’s cool.

While they sleep (on the couch, for some reason that is not made clear), they suddenly wake up and notice that every door in the house is wide open. Which, for some reason, did not set off any of the alarms, because I guess the ghost is an amateur electrician. Or they just own a really bad security system, either or.

They call the security company, who just kind of shrug their shoulders, and the duo go to sleep. Oh, and if you thought the “opening doors” trick was scary, wait till you see this. The next morning, while Perky is putting laundry in the drawer, the ghosts… move the drawer slightly to the right.

So, what was that bit about “hilariously non-scary”? Yeah, yeah.

The next day, after they replace all the locks and install new security cameras, the neighbor’s dog walks in to the house, growls at the laundry room for a while, and then just dies.

Wait, what?!

Yeah, I’m not selling that short or anything! She didn’t get hit, or hurt, or stabbed, or poisoned, or literally anything, she just… died! I’m pretty sure if you checked, the cause of death would have literally been death! “Sir, it is my professional opinion as a doctor that you have died. Just fix that and you’ll be all better.”

After getting the owner to come pick up the dead dog, they notice that the linoleum where it died was cracked. And underneath it, the floor is completely riddled with mold! Which then leads to a completely pointless scene as Korine-Clone crawls underneath the house to check on the mold, which is neither interesting, or scary, or enhances the plot in anyway. It just kind of… exists. It takes up space, uses up several minutes of your time, then leaves, leaving absolutely no impression on the viewer at all. You know, kinda like Stephen Harper.

Oh, Canadian buuuuurn.

While Korine-Clone- well, okay, he doesn’t look exactly like Harmony Korine, but the soulless eyes, sweaty skin, and strange grizzled peach fuzz are kinda distinctive. Hmm. Maybe Elijah Wood clone instead? Anyway, while Perky goes for a blatant shower scene, Cloney opens his email to find dozens of emails from his old university buddies. Yes, it seems Cloney was one of the students from the beginning, and now years later, his friends are trying the experiment again to try and trap the entity. And the footage they send of the experiment aren’t exactly… stellar.

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE DID! WE BROUGHT IT IN TO OUR WORLD! IT’S LOOSE! IT’S FREEEE!”

Yeah, I’m markin’ this a C-. “Could… use… some… improvement…”

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2 Responses to “Bustin’ Makes Me Feel Good: The Apparition Review, Part One”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Something Strange In The Neighborhood: The Apparition Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - August 22, 2014

    […] Previously, on The Apparition: Years ago, a bunch of university students decided to try and create a ghost, and understandably, it went badly! And nowadays, Blandy McClone and his girlfriend Perky are being haunted by ghost fungus, until Blandy’s old university friends sent him some emails talking about how they tried to trap the ghost they created! […]

  2. I Ain’t Afraid Of No Ghost: The Apparition Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - August 23, 2014

    […] Previously, on The Apparition: Perky and Blandy are haunted by the ghosts of college, and for once, that doesn’t actually refer to that STI you picked up after an enthusiastic pool game! And while they sleep in a motel to get away from the terrifying… not scary stuff, the ghosts decide to attack them by tucking them in and gluing them to the ceiling. […]

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