Something Strange In The Neighborhood: The Apparition Review, Part Two

You might have noticed that I’ve been using Ghostbusters references for the titles. Well, see, that’s because The Apparition is so damn boring that I can’t think of a single damn title to use for it!

Seriously, any ideas? I’ve… I’ve got nothing with this thing.

“Got Your Nose, The Major Motion Picture”

Previously, on The Apparition: Years ago, a bunch of university students decided to try and create a ghost, and understandably, it went badly! And nowadays, Blandy McClone and his girlfriend Perky are being haunted by ghost fungus, until Blandy’s old university friends sent him some emails talking about how they tried to trap the ghost they created!

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE DID! WE BROUGHT IT IN TO OUR WORLD! IT’S LOOSE! IT’S FREEEE!”

It went less than well.

Ahem!

After Perky gets out of her depressingly unscary shower, she finds that her entire closet has been completely messed up, all tangled and torn up. Like, completely, the wooden coathangers are twisted like pretzels. Which is… more confusing than scary, actually. How did the ghosts manage that, do they have degrees in wood-working?

Anyway, Blandy picks up and bat and him and Perky search through the house to find whoever did this. And all the while, the standard issue things go bump in the night, until the duo hop in the car and go out camping, rather than spend one more minute in the house.

“Somebody must have broken in!”

“Why aren’t we saying what we’re both thinking?”

“It can’t be ghosts, our house is too new for that, it has no history!”

“You saw the hangers, what could have done that?”

Oh, I dunno, criminally bad screenwriting?

Pictured: Ultimate terror?

Also, seriously, Blandy? You get an email telling you that a ghost is coming after you, then five minutes later, a ghost comes after you, and you don’t put it together? Dead people in the audience have put it together by now!

While the duo camp in the front yard, we cut back inside to show that on the security feed, the cameras are shutting off one by one. While Blandy goes off too investigate for… some reason, the ghosts grab the one remaining camera, and we get to watch the security feed as it slowly drags the camera over to watch Perky while she sleeps. Um. Why? Does the ghost have a thing for her? If it does, why does it need a camera? If it was created in a psychological experiment, why would it have any affinity for her, or for that matter, technology in general? Wouldn’t the camera aspect make more sense if it used to be human? And yes, I am asking questions rather than watching the movie, wouldn’t you?

Blandy finds the camera, and the next morning, Perky goes off to work while Blandy stays home to clean. And, of course, break out his old ghost hunting equipment! While he does, he gets a call from Patrick, his old college friend, but he doesn’t answer. Which is a shame, because that means I can’t use the “This Is Patrick” clip yet.

While Blandy cleans, he notices that the mold infection has somehow spread on to the kitchen ceiling, and like an genius, decides to start pokin’ it with a stick! Oh, congrats, you now have more lung infections than there are lung infection. And what does he find inside the mold, but a destroyed version of the ghostly model from their old experiment! And a chocolaty nougat center!

Blandy drives off to work, and the second he leaves, the ghosts pull out all the stops and… OPENS THE GARAGE DOOR!

…

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

If this is as scary as this movie gets, I’m killing myself right now.

When Perky gets home from her job at the vet’s, she brings home a new dog to make up for the one that her house killed, and she gives it to the little girl! Aww, how sweet! How does the little girl respond?

“… YOUR HOUSE KILLED MY DOG.”

Eh, everyone’s a critic.

Perky gets home to find the scaaaawy open garage door, and also finds Blandy’s old trunk of ghostbustin’ equipment. She pulls out some kind of hard drive, and hooks it up to her computer to watch the footage of the original experiment. Why yes, thanks, you… you already showed this bit. Um, if you were going to show this bit now, why did you show it at the beginning and completely spoiled where the ghosts came from?

Anyway, we do get to see a bit more of the experiment, namely the fact that the girl who got spirited away got straight up dragged through a wall, and was never heard from again. My god, I knew it! The ghost was the Kool-Aid Man the entire time!

Once Blandy gets home, he gets an earful from Perky- completely justified, I might add. “So, why exactly didn’t you tell me that you knew that the ghost is real, is an incredibly powerful monster that you made, and is completely capable of killing me?!”

“… I was trying to keep you safe.”

“Oh, well, of course I’d be more safe not knowing that a murderous stalker ghost with the ability to blow up figurines and drag people in to the space between spaces was hunting you down!”

“… Really?”

“OH YOU CAN JUST FUCK RIGHT OFF.”

After she kicks him out, he calls up Patrick, and meanwhile, all the lights inside the house go out. So, instead of just… you know, leaving, she instead elects to wander very slowly through the pitch black room, starring at a thermal imager two feet away from her fucking face. And after a series of unimpressive jump-scares, Blandy just walks back in and takes her to a motel. And in the weirdest crossover ever… he takes her to the Bates Motel.

… Well, okay, not really, but wouldn’t that be awesome?

(I haven’t watched the show yet, actually. Is it any good?)

After they fall asleep, Blandy suddenly wakes up… pinned to the ceiling, floating above… himself sleeping?

I… I don’t… what the hell is going on?! 

And meanwhile, Perky gets choked by the eeeevil bedsheets, because… you know, those are so hard to breath through.

…

Wait, one second, lemme try that.

…

Okay, good news is, those are surprisingly easy to breath through! Bad news is, I have a new fetish now!