I Ain’t Afraid Of No Ghost: The Apparition Review, Part Three

23 Aug

… I don’t even know why you’re bothering to read, at this point. Like, honestly, are you even interested in what happens in The Apparition? I know I’m not- hell, at this point, I doubt even the creators were interested in what happened.

“Once You Believe, You Die”. I knew a church with the same philosophy once.

Previously, on The Apparition: Perky and Blandy are haunted by the ghosts of college, and for once, that doesn’t actually refer to that STI you picked up after an enthusiastic pool game! And while they sleep in a motel to get away from the terrifying… not scary stuff, the ghosts decide to attack them by tucking them in and gluing them to the ceiling.

Ahem!

I know it’s hard to believe, but our INCREDIBLY BRAVE AND STRONG HEROES  manage to best the eeeeevil powers of the bedsheets, and the next day, they get a call from Patrick. Who then proceeds to explain the plot. That’s nice of him. Yeah, in case you couldn’t figure it out, they accidentally called the ghosts through from another world, and now it wants to bring itself in fully. So now, to stop it, it’s time to break out the ghost busting gear!

[Editor’s Note: What, like proton packs?]

Oh, god no, they just plan to broadcast the footage of the experiment around the house. So it’ll trap the ghost in the spirit realm! Because, you know. Recordings are magic.

[Editor’s Note: Um. Okay, I… I guess that’ll work. So, the ghost is haunting the house?]

Nah, it’s actually haunting Blandy. And the university. And Patrick. Actually, it’s haunting pretty much everything but the house.

[Editor’s Note: … So, why is the house important?]

Well, you see, it’s because SMOKEBOMB.

Preeeeeetty.

As they set things up for their big climax, a box starts… SHAKING! Ooooooh! So Perky nails the door shut and locks it in the laundry room, but because the ghost is a bit of a jerk, she teleports the ghost on to the other side! Now you’re locked in! With… with a single shaking box.

… Spoiler alert, it turns out her old vibrator is on the fritz.

No, no, a ghost actually starts crawling out of the washing machine, and of course it’s as boring and generic as can be. Pale face, long black hair, twisted face, cheque please! And, after Perky screams her head off for the last ten minutes, Blandy FINALLY manages to notice and get her out. Gee, great job completely ignoring your girlfriend. What, are you practicing for when you finally get married?

That night, they get ready to capture the ghost, and start transmitting the experiment through the house. And of course, the house starts shaking itself apart as the ghost goes haywire. Um. Oh, gee, so surprising! EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU TRY THIS DUMBASS EXPERIMENT, YOU MAKE THINGS WORSE! YOU’RE A DISCREDIT TO THOSE HIPSTER GLASSES!

After all the shaking stops, we cut to the next day, as they’re cleaning up after their little ghost-a-palooza. And oh, I’m suuuuuure the ghost is gone for good. Not as if we have twenty fucking minutes left! The ghost grabs Patrick’s chair and drags him, Zuul style, in to the garage. Which, when Perky checks it out, is completely riddled with mold and dead plants. I’m pretty certain this movie is only scary to interior decorators. Or mold enthusiasts.

When Perky checks back in from the garage, she and Blandy find that all the furniture in the room has been super glued to the walls and ceiling. See, that’s how you can tell this thing used to be a college ghost, he already has dorm room pranks down pat!

Pictured: PURE EVIL.

The duo run off to go hide in Patrick’s ghost-proof safe-room, which comes complete with a running recording of plot relevant exposition. Turns out that most of the people who ran the experiment are dead, and despite how old this thing must be, there are absolutely no records of it. Well, to be fair, that’s probably because it isn’t very interesting.

Once they make it to the ghost-proof little cage, the lights start flicking, and suddenly Blandy disappears. Well. Nice work on the whole “anti ghost cage”, Patrick, it lasted a good… oh, three seconds before the denizens of the devil dragged Blandy through the wall like a Mirror-Verse Kool-Aid Man.

And yeah, seriously, it dragged him through the wall, she finds him stuck halfway through. With a massive ‘o’ expression, like he tried to give Optimus Prime a blowjob. Soooo with all the people who performed the original experiment dead, the ghost is over, right? Oh, silly man, The Apparition is not a place for things to make sense! 

Perky runs outside, only to find her car being dragged partway in to the ground- wait, seriously? Good god, ghost, learn a new trick already. And she starts sprinting through the forest, all while we hear Patrick going on about how powerful and brilliant this ghost is, wearing people down until they can’t fight any more, and he’s ancient and he’s learning our defenses, and we’ve opened a portal to bring all of the spirits in to our world and- seriously, motherfucker, what are you on? Literally none of that has happened. This thing just grows fungus and makes like Shadowcat! It’s like he’s discussing a much better movie, instead of the piece of garbage we’re watching!

So, yeah, the ghost catches her, and we cut to Perky wandering the empty city, until all of a sudden, dozens of hands appear from nowhere and start grabbing her! Annnd the end!

Wait, no, not the end, I have several questions! Is she dead? Is that what the end was? Or did the ghosts take over the world? If so, how, and why? What happened to that girl who disappeared in the beginning? What about their neighbors, were they attacked by the ghost too? Are they still alive? Why didn’t the plan to trap it work? Where did all the hands come out of nowhere? Why did it bother chasing Perky? Why was it so interested in her? Why did it have to hunt down everybody who summoned it? WHY IS IT CALLED THE APPARITION?! WHY CAN’T I BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTER?! WHY DID YOU TRY AND MAKE ME BELIEVE IT WAS BUTTER TO BEGIN WITH?! IF I WAS A TREE, WHAT KIND OF TREE WOULD I BE?! AAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAH!

… Erm. So, yeah. That was The Apparition! How was it?

Zzzzzzzz…

This is just a pain to sit through, and I think the buzzword for the evening is DULL. Capitilzed. With SEVERAL ‘U’s, in places you wouldn’t expect them to be. And really, what more can I say? Other than the fact that there is so little so say about the movie, I HAD TO PHYSICALLY SIT DOWN A PAD OUT THE CONCLUSION, BECAUSE THERE IS *THAT* LITTLE TO SAY ABOUT THE FILM!

Well, okay, one more Ghostbusters reference.

Heh.

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