Oh, Just Screw It: Diary Of A Nymphomaniac Review, Part One

29 Aug

Hmm, I think I need a boost in my view counts… LETS REVIEW A MOVIE ABOUT PEOPLE SCREWING! 

(Holy hell, I think my Netflix account is going to get techno-syphilis.)

It was remarkably hard to find a picture of this movie that didn’t require intense censoring, followed by an exorcism.

Diary Of A Nymphomaniac is a 2008 Spanish art drama, directed by Christian Molina, who also directed… absolutely nothing you’ve ever heard of, actually, so fuck it! Let’s rock, and by that, I mean let’s get ready to never experience sexual arousal again!

Ahem!

We open the film with- oh fuck, an IFC Logo?! STOP FOLLOWING ME AROUND, IFC! Anyway, we actually open with close-up shots of the titular diary, presumably of said nymphomaniac. We cut to a grown-woman on a swing, asking her Grandmother if she loved her Grandfather. And they have a conversation about sexual equality, and for once, they manage to do without being unbearably awkward and making me want to claw my eyes out! See, Sexual Chronicles Of A French Family, this is how you do it!

(Hmm. Two foreign films about fucking in so-many weeks. I hope this isn’t becoming a habit.)

Swing Girl sighs about her sex life and slut shaming, and her Grandmother advises that she write her thoughts down in a diary instead. And speak of the devil, the diary starts narrating as we cut to the past to show Swing Girl’s first time having sex!

Annnnd she’s 15 years old.

month. Please, just let me go a month without any pedophilia. I am begging you here.

So, yeah, we get to watch Teenage-Swing Girl and her long haired boytoy going at it, but afterwards, she says it just didn’t feel right. Soooo we cut to them trying round two! And then three. And then four. And then- IS THIS SERIOUSLY A FUCKING MONTAGE?!

*pinch bridge of nose between fingers*

Although, I’m pretty sure we could make this awesome by throwing You’re The Best Around as the background music.

But noooo, instead we’re stuck with the Spanish version of The Police playing in the background. We get to see the duo grow up through out all the fucking, just like a really weird photo album, before we cut back to Swing Girl and her Grandma in the future- er, present. Look, space is warped and time is bendable, and we soon cut back to… I’m going to say the past?

After another session of love-makin’, Swing Girl, who we learn here is named Val, tries to convince her lover to stay, but he’s all tired out. Well, to be fair, if they’ve been fucking for 14 straight years, a little weariness is to be expected! That, and some severe chafing.

At work, Val gets a call from an old friend, I assume, and the two set up a meeting. And then we cut to her fucking said friend in a bathtub! And… covering him in champagne? Is that… is that some bizarre kink that I’m just too scared to google?

They exchange dueling narrations for a while, all over-laid with the aforementioned over-laying. (Get it? Oh, shush, I am the best at what they do.) Oh, and when they’re done with sex, they talk for a while! And by talk, I mean he shoves a glass bottle up her vagina!

… I really, really hope that’s not actual thing. Although, that would explain why gynecologists have to wear safety goggles.

Pictured: Safety goggles. Because pictures of a vagina with glass shards is too mean even for me.

At work, Val and her friend talk about love for a bit, and Val starts to wonder about how her life is so lacking in love. Hmm. You know what would fix that? Cutting to Val fucking! Eh, yeah, that works. You know, props to this film where every other movie about sex has failed, they make the sex actually look like fun.

But yeah, Val is fucking Alex, her old boyfriend… I think. Anyway, after their lovemaking, Alex explains that he can’t see her any more because he has a girlfriend now! Whiiiiich you probably should have mentioned after you… ya know, screwed her. I hope you have a condom that protects against glass shards, man.

After he leaves, Val contemplates how lonely she is. And decides to fix it by finding somebody just waiting at a bus stop, then banging him. All without exchanging a single word! I guess vaginas are telepathic now? Best. Superpower. Ever.

She gets confused for a hooker, by a hooker, which is mild to moderately insulting. And then proceeds to get turned on by somebody stalking her while she has a shower! Because I guess that’s just something that happens in Spain.

Val gets laid off at work, and just to show that the universe just really hates her, gets a call from her Grandmother, who is deathly ill! Which is both terrible, and means that I have absolutely no fucking clue how the chronology works! Anyway, Grandma is sick, and when Val confesses about her nymphomania, Grandma dispenses some primo grandmotherly advice! Aww, how sweet! Val goes to the other room to fetch the knitting for her Grandma, and when she comes back she’s… dead.

Wow. You’ve got to love it when the last words to your loved one was, “Hey, I can’t help but fuck people!”. You should put that on her tombstone!

… PLEASE TELL ME SOMEBODY HAS DONE THAT.

Val has her own personal sadness montage, and when she’s done with that, she decides to go job hunting instead! The first interviewer flirts with her and offers her a ham (… okay), and the second one turns her on so much that she spends the rest of the day sniffing his… business card?

Okay, if this was a man, this would be UNBELIEVABLY CREEPY. So I think it’s only fair to say that, as a very attractive woman, YOU HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES, VAL.

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