Internet Campfire Tales: Default.avi, A Creepypasta Review

30 Aug

Welcome back to Internet Campfire Tales, the only web series scientifically proven to increase your penis size! So, yeah, if you don’t have one, this is going to be a real problem.

internet_campfire_talesNow, you might say, why are we coming back to reviewing Creepypastas so soon after the last one? Well, voices in my head, I don’t have the time to continue my Nymphomaniac review today, so either I just make up some crap to justify it, or I use this review of Default.avi to save my bacon!

Ahem!

“Hello, my name is Dennis and I always fiddle around with computers.”

This is the weirdest Penthouse letter.

“I really enjoy doing this and I spent most of my time behind a computer.”

Or inside of, as the case may be. I seriously doubt there are USB attachments for your dick, Dennis.

“4 days ago I noticed something strange in my HDD. I was looking for cool files in my computer when I saw a folder in my hard disk, it said ‘Wind0ws666’.”

And in accordance to the Creepypasta Drinking Game, take a shot for awkwardly inserted 666!

“”Strange,” I thought by myself. “I’ve never seen this folder before.””

… Oh, really?! And here I was, thinking you downloaded “ThisIsTotallyAnEvilDemon.exe” all of the fucking time!

“I opened it and I saw 3 files. ‘Default.exe, Default.wmv and Default.avi’. I ran a virus scan and it didn’t seem to contain a virus, so I tried to open them.”

“The . exe file only opened a command prompt with some binary (The ‘language’ computers use, this contains 1’s 0’s. A computer converts this to images, games, music etc.) in it.”

… CAN WE PLEASE ASSUME THAT ANYONE MATURE ENOUGH TO READ CREEPYPASTAS IS MATURE ENOUGH TO KNOW OF THE OLDEST COMPUTER FACT SINCE THE RICK ROLL?!

“The second one was a .wmv file that contained a woman’s voice also saying some binary. It was an eerie sound, reminding me of Microsoft Sam.”

Well, to be fair, Microsoft Sam is fucking terrifying.

“The .avi file, however, contained a video.”

If this turns in to “twogirlsonecup.exe”, I am… well, actually, that would be legitimately terrifying.

“It was a video about a girl called Lucy and her dad it seemed to be recorded by a hidden camera in a living room.”

Man, the Paranormal Activities movies keep getting weirder and weirder.

“The voices are really faint and hard to understand but I managed to understand most of it. This is what the voices said:”

Wait, you’re… you’re not actually going to write the rest of the Creepypasta as a transcript, right?

“???: Lucy! Where are you honey?”

Oh, good god.

“Lucy: I’m here daddy!”

This is… this isn’t real, right? I’m being punked?

“Dad: Honey… I got some terrible news. Your mother *sobbing* had a car accident this morning and she just died in the hospital.”

I- I jus- GAH! Okay, first of all, “I’ve got some terrible news”, not “I got”, second of all, “sobbing”? I… what?! I don’t… you have to write what is actually going on! You can’t just say what’s going on and EXPECT IT TO FUCKING WORK!

“Lucy: *Screams* No! No no no no! *quick footsteps*”

“Quick footsteps”? Oh, did she jump in to a soft-shoe routine while she mourned her dead mom?

… ANKLES SHOULD NOT DO THAT.

“Dad: Lucy! Lucy can now be seen running through the living room hiding under the table where she sits for 12 seconds before the screen cuts to black. 2 minutes later the video continues. Dad sits next to the table holding an apparently sleeping or passed out Lucy.”

Shhhh, don’t bother me, I’m waiting for the perfect moment for a Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds reference.

“Dad: Lucy… I’m so sorry honey… I’m sorry… *Stands up holding Lucy, bringing her to her room*”

‘I know where he was carrying her because fuck you.’

“1 minute later the dad comes back in to the living room staring at the camera screaming:”

Oh, he stubbed his toes, gotcha.

“Dad: WHY DID YOU DO THIS!? HOW COULD YOU MAKE ME DO THIS!?”

‘Why did you make me buy the bargain bin Hot Pockets?! I’ve had gas for a solid month!’

“???: I’m sorry David. We just need this.”

‘We just needed the Hot Pockets. We have a thing for the cheese filling.’

“Dad/David: WHY? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU WANT THIS, HUH!?”

You do realize you have other ways to draw attention to words, right? You don’t just have to capitalize? Seriously, bolding, italics, strikethroughs, you have options here!

“???: Let’s just say this is a little project of mine *giggles*.”

‘I’m just going to say that he giggled instead of actually writing ‘hee hee hee’, because as you can probably tell, I ran out of fucks to give a long ass time ago.

“David: WHAT!? A LITTLE PROJECT YOU SAY? YOU JUST MADE ME KILL MY WIFE! HOW COULD YOU CALL THIS A FREAKING PROJECT?”

Well, see, this is just his hobby! If it works out, he’s got a whole “murder your wife” Kickstarter planned out!

Five bucks says it’ll work out.

“???: Well it is… You are my project.”

Can they make this marriage work?

“David: WELL HERE IS YOUR FUCKING PROJECT! *pulls out a gun, and holds it against his head*”

Yeah, I once had a science project do that once. Worst paper mache volcano ever.

“???: Go on David. Do it! DO IT!”

Man, Nike has gotten cruel.

“David: *sobbing* Fuck you… FUCK YOU! *pulls the trigger*”

Which was positively the worst time to discover he was bullet-proof. Super awkward.

“???: *laughs* I knew you could do it David.”

You won a new car! … Oh, wait.

“Then a person would walk into the living room, looks up to the camera and then this happens: ???: Well Jake. That was test subject no.1…”

‘I have to say, our testing to discover new toothpaste went really overboard.’

“Jake: *grins* Guess it is… So where is test subject no.2? ???: *laughs* Let’s just say… He is watching us right now…”

Gasp! Such a shocking plot twist! THAT MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BECAUSE THE PASTA IS FUCKING OVER! THANKS FOR WASTING OUR TIME!

So, that was Default.avi! How was it?

AAAAAARGH!

 

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