Bland Title Is Go! Prowl Review, Part One

5 Sep

You know, I’m not going to lie, I totally check Rotten Tomatoes before I review a flick. Yeah, yeah, okay, maybe not the most professional of tactics, but I think it’s totally justified for today’s movie! Because not Prowl is one of those oh so cherished movies that nobody has anything to say about.

… And I’m sure that’s a good sign, right? Like when you enter a restaurant and the entire “recommendation” section is nothing but scorch marks? Or you go on a date with a guy and his cock is just covered in steel-wool?

I… hey, wait a second, that’s the wrong Prowl. 

Now you’re not even trying.

There we go!

Ahem!

We open with a blond woman coated with filth, sprinting through a forest before mud wrestling a screaming man. But enough about my wet dreams, let’s look at the movie. We cut to the… past, I’m going to assume, as Blondie is workin’ her monochrome job and going monochrome apartment shopping, before getting invited to a party. And then we… cut to her running through a field again?

Huh.

She and her friends head to a local liquor store and try and buy some beer, but everyone except her friend McGlasses is under-age! Oh, great, they’re all teenagers. That’s like the screen-play version of a deathrattle. Oh, and apparently Blondie ran to the liquor store all the way across town, which I assume is the foreshadowing for when she inevitably has to run in the Naked Guy Covered In Mud Triathlon.

Anyway, it’s time for the party! Gee, let’s watch a collection of white attractive people sit around, making innuendos, getting drunk and high and discussing their social life. Welcome to Horror Movie Purgatory, ladies and gentlemen! Grab your barbed condoms, hook your veins up to an IV full of youthful stupidity, and pray this hour passes quickly!

While the rest of the friends make drunken idiots of themselves, McGlasses and Blondie have a talk about how much she wishes to leave this town. And then he tries to make out with her! Yeah, thanks, you’ve managed to very neatly encapsulate all of the worst parts of being a teenager in to five minutes, and like putting Hitler’s brain into a giant robot shark, all we can ask during the ensuing carnage is “WHY?!”.

Pictured: Hitler, or at least, it will be once my screenplay is done.

And welcome to the Blondie’s Life Is Hell Variety Hour! She awkwardly leaves the party, goes home to find her drunk mom muttering about her dead dad, finds out she used to be adopted, has a nightmare about zombies, hallucinates about getting sprayed with raw meat, and gets a call about how the apartment she was looking at just got sold! And then the archangel Gabriel comes from heaven to personally tell Blondie how much he hates her and wishes she’d die.

But she manages to chat up the guy selling the apartment, and convinces him to sell her the apartment if she can get the money to him in Chicago by tomorrow. So, she rounds up all of her friends- oh, great. You just had to gather the Two Dimensional Character Mobile. And of course, the car breaks down two feet out of the city limits. There’s a county law about smuggling that much cannon fodder across state line.

A friendly truck driver stops, and takes a look at the engine to let them know that it is, in technical terms, fucked. He’s nice, friendly, helpful, and doesn’t come across as a creepy rapist, which I think is a first for movie truckers! Oh, and he’s also clearly the villain. I mean, come on. You get points for not being a cardboard cut-out, but it’s not exactly rocket science.

Blondie convinces the Trucker to give her a ride to Chicago, and the Two Dimensional Character Gang tags along. And something I really like is how not stupid they’re being here! Well. I mean, okay, they’re all complete fucking dumbasses in every definition of the word, but they make sure to send pictures of the truck and driver to all of their friends, AND they left McGlasses in the front seat! Oh, YAY! He’ll be the first to die!

So, yeah, they all pile in to the back, and- oh. Great. The ever classic “getting drunk and high” montage.

Is it too late to pick a different career choice for my life? Like, professional cactus fucker, or Gabe Newell impersonator? Anything that doesn’t make me ashamed to still technically be a teenager would be fine, thanks.

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2 Responses to “Bland Title Is Go! Prowl Review, Part One”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Great Big Convoy, Truckin’ You To Your Death: Prowl Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - September 6, 2014

    […] Previously, on Prowl: Wait, wait, I think I got this. Just a small town girl! Livin’ in a lonely world! She took the midday trucker who is obviously a villain going AAAAAAANYWHERE! […]

  2. Night Of The Living Werezompires: Prowl Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - September 7, 2014

    […] Previously, on Prowl: An evil trucker has driven a collection of stupid teenagers in to a slaughterhouse full of Werezompires, and now Blondie and Personality-Free Best Friend have run off and hid! Behind a dumpster, actually, because it’s such a fitting metaphor for this movie. […]

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