Great Big Convoy, Truckin’ You To Your Death: Prowl Review, Part Two

6 Sep

So we’re, what, thirty minutes in and the plot hasn’t started yet? I wonder what the real life equivalent of this would be. Maybe a song that goes a full minute in before playing a note? Or maybe a date where the guy spends ten minutes apologizing for pre-mature ejaculation before he even takes his pants off?

Spider-Girl, Spider-Girl, prowls where a spider can- er, I mean, cirl…

Previously, on Prowl: Wait, wait, I think I got this. Just a small town girl! Livin’ in a lonely world! She took the midday trucker who is obviously a villain going AAAAAAANYWHERE!

Ahem!

As the truck drives, Blondie and her friends proceed to get drunker and hornier in the back. Oh, and of course they start up a game of Truth Or Dare. Because you know, not doing that would require a screenplay that gave a fuck. But the truck suddenly swerves, which interrupts any lesbianism, which is good because I don’t have a title card for “Spontaneous Lesbianism”. Not yet, anyway.

Everyone starts freaking out, and they call McGlasses in the front seat. But the trucker answers, who tells them it’s nothing to worry about, and oh, your friend is just asleep, that’s why I’m answering his phone and this totally isn’t ominous at all, and did I mention how sorry I am for all this? And to their credit, the second he hangs up, they make plans to call the cops! Annnnd all of a sudden, their phones all cut out. Oh, that’s how you can tell it’s finally a horror movie.

The Moron Brigade finally start to put everything together; The fact that the trailer is full of peepholes, the cargo that he told them not to touch is full of blood, and the blood stains and dents all over the inside of the- wait, really? You seriously didn’t notice that beforehand?

The truck suddenly backs up and stops, and the Brigade start making plans to stick together, move if the trailer door opens, and kill anyone who tries to come in. Oh, and then one of them suggests that this is all a prank. Because being stupid is contractually obligated, although to be fair, this would totally be an awesome prank.

Anyway, the door opens, and they find themselves in a big abandoned slaughterhouse. It’s rotting and spooky and all that crap, but it’s kind of ruined by the cartoon pigs over the walls. And the fact that this decrepit warehouse is surprisingly well lit. Jesus, apparently the monsters all have degrees in interior decorating.

“MEET YOUR DOOM! YOUR AESTHETICALLY PLEASING DOOOOOM!”

The Brigade find the only door in the room, and while one of them tries to get it open, something skittering around in the dark nabs one of them so fast that none of the other sees it. At least until his gore sprays everywhere, at least. So cue the screaming, until one of the creatures tries to grab one of them. And apparently he was in the monster short bus, because they manage to stab him in the face, and save the girl! So what, was the other one the monster equivalent of the Flash?

The last remaining guy gets nabbed too, but seeing as he tried to run away, I doubt anybody will be losing any sleep over that, the remaining three take cover in the trailer. So, if you’re keeping the head-count, that’s two guys dead, one guy MIA, two girls injured, one protagonist, a fuckload of weird zombie-werewolves, and a partridge in a pear tree!

One of the were-zombies makes it in, but takes a molotov cocktail to the face, and the three kick a hole in the side of the truck and make a run for it. Well. Two kick a hole and run, and the third needlessly sacrifices herself. Well, thanks, you held them off for about… oh, three seconds? Good effort, I guess? We’ve got some lovely participation trophies for you later.

The duo run and hide behind some dumpsters as the were-zombies start prowling (hah hah so funny fuck you) all over the slaughterhouse. And of course, it’s time for the prerequisite pity party, thankfully interrupted as a smattering of bloody limbs are tossed in to the dumpster from above! Wait, what? Why? Do they not like their human flesh if they know it’s been used to masturbate before?

As they hide, they spy the trucker noticing the hole they escaped through, before getting reprimanded by a woman with super-human strength and her flunky. And yet, despite the fact that she’s very obviously pissed that they’ve escaped, she doesn’t kill him, and she pays him in full for services rendered! You know, say what you want for her being an inhuman monster, she’s a great boss. No micromanaging at all!

The woman sends the trucker on his way, and makes some allusions to her flunky about how the were-zombies are her children. Oh, and then she… drinks some of the blood that the trucker delivered? Oh, so they’re vampire were-zombies! Werezompires!

Horror movies have officially surpassed their own parodies.

God help us all.

I can’t find any pictures of a Werezompire BUT I GUESS SPONTANEOUS LESBIANISM WILL HAVE TO DO.

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One Response to “Great Big Convoy, Truckin’ You To Your Death: Prowl Review, Part Two”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Night Of The Living Werezompires: Prowl Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - September 7, 2014

    […] on Prowl: An evil trucker has driven a collection of stupid teenagers in to a slaughterhouse full of […]

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