Night Of The Living Werezompires: Prowl Review, Part Three

7 Sep

… I’m still not entirely sure I can handle this. I mean, hell, Werezompires? Fraggin’ Werezompires?! You people don’t freakin’ pay me enough! Or, um, at all, actually.

Now accepting Paypal?

I know there’s some horror scholars out there who’ll object to me calling them Werezompires, but they’re animalistic, super-fast monsters who can scale walls (Werewolves), they eat human flesh, bite in to people, and tear them apart limb from limb (Zombies), and they drink blood (Vampires)! Also, this is the biggest caption I’ve ever made! Do I win a prize?

Previously, on ProwlAn evil trucker has driven a collection of stupid teenagers in to a slaughterhouse full of Werezompires, and now Blondie and Personality-Free Best Friend have run off and hid! Behind a dumpster, actually, because it’s such a fitting metaphor for this movie.

Ahem!

The Woman tells her lackey to try and find the girls, but make sure to let the Werezompires kill them, and then she starts futzing around with one of the dead girl’s phones. And then she calls Blondie’s number! While Blondie is hiding ten feet away! Hah hah hah, what a wacky series of sit-comesque problems that will inevitably lead to them getting torn apart by monsters!

They run off, and after climbing some stairs to the upper level of this… industrial complex, apparently, they run in to McGlasses! And despite the fact that he’s badly injured and covered in blood, he’s still alive! Why, this is the happiest ending-

*Werezompire comes out of nowhere*

*Grabs him by the lapels and tosses him over the railing for absolutely no reason*

*Splat*

… Well, fuck. Anybody got a spatula, I think we got our happy ending smeared across the floor.

They run and hide for the next ten minutes, which is just riveting, until suddenly the Best Friend disappears as one of the monsters yanks her out from nowhere! With absolutely no lead-up! Gee, that’s well crafted horror. One of them tries to get Blondie, but she manages to pin him down and demand answers. So, what, they’re super fast and super strong, able to completely steal people away in the blink of an eye… unless it’s the protagonist?

She gets a knife to the guy’s throat, and they have an awkward conversation. “Why are you doing this to me?!”

“Well, it’s usually just junkies.”

“… Is that supposed to make it better?”

“Kinda, yeah.”

“… Do you completely suck at your job?”

“Kinda, yeah.”

She tries to hold him hostage, but one of the others jumps her and she runs off. Somehow. Because, you know, everyone else can die in less time than it takes to write this sentence, but Blondie? Main character shields exist for a reason, you know!

Plot Armor: IT SAVES LIVES.

She finds the trucker, still driving around the compound and trying to find her, but she sneaks up on him and turns his head to a smear with a well placed fire extinguisher. Actually, Blondie spends so long bashing his head in, the Werezompires catch up to her and she has to run off and leave the truck behind! Aww, so you won’t get a convoy, trucking the USA? This movie is just MADE of disappointment.

Blondie runs off in to yet another rusting industrial area, and she ends up completely surrounded by the Werezompires. Seriously, how the hell is she still alive?!

*activates her secret Werezompire powers and jumps twenty feet in to the motherfucking air and climbs up the wall*

… Oh. Well. That explains everything.

The Woman, Veronica, shows up and explains that Blondie has secretly been a Werezompire the entire life, to explain how she can possibly move fast enough or hit hard enough to survive this. Which, admittedly, is pretty cool, and was nicely foreshadowed. Fairly obvious, of course- I mean, “I hate the taste of cooked food”, the fact that she outran her friend’s car, beating up the Werezompires, the fact that she’s an orphan, kicking a hole through the side of a trailer- yeah, they weren’t subtle.

Because Blondie’s entire character arc thus far has been “I hate my life”, naturally she’s pretty interested in being offered to live with the pack of Werezompires, and Veronica even tries to seal the deal by offering her some complimentary blood! Well, that’s nice of her. And then she offers her a chance to eat Personality-Free Best Friend. Which is admittedly less nice, but to be fair, I’ve seen worse customer service over the years.

Somehow, the Best Friend is still alive, and when she sees how they’re surrounded by all of the Werezompires, she understandably starts freaking out. But Blondie just smiles, notices how a gasoline tank is spraying fuel over to her still lit lighter, and leaps out the window with Best Friend in hand.

Well, it’s nice of this movie to get fucking metal all of a sudden.

Cool Werezompires don’t look at explosions…

The duo manage to escape, and make it to some kind of ghost town, and while Blondie looks for help, some random hobo tries to attack the Best Friend! So Blondie decides the only reasonable course of action is to tear his throat out with her bare teeth!

Wait, no. That’s like the opposite of the reasonable course of action. Eh, fuck it, movie’s over! Seriously, that’s how it ends. Huh. So, that was Prowl. How was it?

… I don’t have a freaking clue how to feel about this. It’s… okay? I guess? The jumping and climbing effects for the Werezompires were pretty cool, the twist was nicely foreshadowed, the acting was solid, and the concept of getting dropped off in a rusting slaughterhouse full of nightmarish monsters is pretty great, but… I dunno, man. The idea of Blondie having to fight off her more homicidal urges is something that would require way more narrative emphasis to pull off properly, and the fact that it has to wrestle for room with the survival plot muddles both of them, the characters are pretty obnoxious, it takes way too long to get started, and the fact that we never get an explanation for what the hell these things are is just… obnoxious! They could actually be Werezompires, and we’d never know!

Also, wait, that prologue with the mud-wrestling never had anything to do with anything. Can I get a refund?

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