Now Comes In Complicated Title-Vision! The Haunting Of Molly Hartley Review, Part One

11 Sep

Oh, 2008. We had The Dark Knight, WALL-E, Indiana Jones And The Chrystal Skull, and… The Haunting Of Molly Hartley? Well. I guess they can’t all be out of the park.

Good god, is that a horror movie, or a Disney sitcom?

Oh, poor Haunting Of Molly Hartley! Not good enough to be celebrated, not hated enough to be revered, you’re stuck in the eternal mire of being too boring to be noticed! Just like 99% of the human race, and while you’re busy contemplating how fucking depressing that is, let’s dig in!

Ahem!

We open with- oh god, one of the production logos has somebody skateboarding. I’m pretty sure that’s the cinematic equivalent of “abandon all hope, ye who seriously, why are you still watching this“. Er, anyway, we truly open with a girl walking through a bright forest, followed by indistinct whispering. Ah, yes, you can tell it’s true terror by how the ghosts sound like audio representation of erectile dysfunction.

Anyway, as she goes through the forest, the girl follows a rope covered in notes telling her what direction to go, until she finds a creepy-ass cabin in the middle of the woods! And inside is… a scene of her interacting with her boyfriend! AIIIIIIEEEEEE! TERRIFYING! He gives her a gift, and they lock lips for a bit, all while I contemplate self harm! Seriously, do we have any other protagonists in stock? I think these ones got lost on their way to a Lifetime Original Movie.

The girl’s father shows up and takes her away, and after chastising her for her choice in boyfriend, he starts apologizing and screaming about how he can’t let her turn 18. And then he starts trying to crash in to everything! I think we’re going to have to take that “World’s Best Dad” mug back. Eventually, they get nailed by a truck, and the dad takes the opportunity to take a shard of glass and stab his daughter! Which is really going above and beyond trying to murder somebody, seriously, just think of all the amazing things you could accomplish if you… stopped murdering people!

We cut to present day, and we meet the titular Molly Hartley. And it’s her first day at a new school, with her new school uniform! Which means I am required by Internet Bylaw 928 to add in as many pictures of “sexy” schoolgirls as possible.

You monsters.

I think that song describes about half the internet. Anyway, Molly heads off to her fancy prep school, and immediately, one of the pretty boys starts making googly eyes at her, which makes some blond chick jealous, which makes one of her friends giggly, and- DID I PUT IN THE WRONG MOVIE BY MISTAKE?! HERE I WAS THINKING I WAS GETTING A GRITTY GHOST STORY, AND NOW I FIND OUT I’M GETTING SOMETHING LAMER THAN EQUESTRIA GIRLS!

Molly gets a headache at lunch, which means she has to run off and hide, and lead directly in to a “I don’t fit in woe is fucking me” montage. Which is interrupted when she literally bumps in to the aforementioned pretty boy. Oh, joy, every good romance should start with a Three Stooges routine. Fortunately, she shoots him down and walks off, and we cut to her being all mopey at dinner with her dad. Seems like her mother is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, and is currently locked up in an institution.

Oh, and also, LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE IS PAAAAAAAAAAAAIN. For fuck’s sake, I get enough of this crap from high school.

Molly had a dream about her mother killing her because Molly is the Anti-Christ or something else terribly boring, and at school the next day, the teacher passes out bibles to everyone so they can get the proper context for the rest of the texts that they’re reading. Annnnnd cue a chorus of snarky teenagers in three, two, one-

“Excuse me, my parents aren’t paying a shitload of fucking tuition just for me to get stuck in Bible Camp.”

“I don’t feel comfortable not acknowledging the Bible as the absolute truth!”

Well, congratulations, everybody, you’re all fucking morons! Please pass around all the appropriate salt-soaked barbed wire and tight fitting jock straps so you can fill one with the other and never have to fucking bother us again with this inane bullshit and YES I REALIZE I HAVE ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES IT’S ONE OF THE THINGS MY THERAPIST SAYS I HAVE TO WORK ON.

He also makes me wear the barbed wire jock strap. And… turn in to a blond woman, according to this picture.

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2 Responses to “Now Comes In Complicated Title-Vision! The Haunting Of Molly Hartley Review, Part One”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Bored To Death, Then Back Again: The Haunting Of Molly Hartley | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - September 12, 2014

    […] Previously, on The Haunting Of Molly Hartley: Molly has moved to a new school, which comes complete with the requisite obnoxious teenagers. She has a dark troubled past, a damaged family life, a hunky love interest, and presumably kung-fu grip, as long as we’re writing the blandest fucking character ever. […]

  2. High School Of The Dull: The Haunting Of Molly Hartley Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - September 15, 2014

    […] Previously, on This Piece Of Crap: We got to watch a dreadful teen sitcom, all while somebody tried desperately to convince us that it was secretly a horror flick. […]

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