Bored To Death, Then Back Again: The Haunting Of Molly Hartley

12 Sep

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the several years of doing this job, it’s that bad movies really aren’t the problem. No, no, it’s the goddamn boring ones that’ll sneak up on you! I’d rewatch I Kissed A Vampire about a dozen times before I sat down for five more minutes of The Haunting Of Molly Freaking Hartley!

The past may await her, but I certainly don’t.

Previously, on The Haunting Of Molly Hartley: Molly has moved to a new school, which comes complete with the requisite obnoxious teenagers. She has a dark troubled past, a damaged family life, a hunky love interest, and presumably kung-fu grip, as long as we’re writing the blandest fucking character ever.

Ahem!

All the talk of bibles in class sets off Molly’s Anti-Christ sense, or something, and she starts spurting blood from her nose and gets excused from class. But in the bathroom, all of a sudden, she starts having a panic attack as the terrifying forces of the underworld… say “Molly” over and over again.

… I’ll pencil in some time to feel scared about that later.

After getting rescued from the terrifying parrot ghosts… I guess, we cut to Molly meeting with her counselor. We get some more details about Molly’s past; Namely, apparently her crazy-ass mom stabbed her with scissors, and Molly can’t remember what happened! Um. Well. She stabbed you. With scissors. I think we just went over that?

The counselor assures Molly that they’ll keep her safe from becoming crazy too, and we cut to Molly reading about mental disorders in the library. But then the love interest shows up and starts trying to flirt with her! By… accusing her of having ebola.

… Smoooooth.

It actually almost works, but before he can drive her home, her dad shows up and starts worrying for her. Because, you know, she sprayed blood all over a classroom like she burst a fucking nose artery and then had a mental breakdown, but for some ungodly reason, Molly storms off at this display of rational behavior! Gosh, you’re right, caring about people is a dick move. I’ll fix it by not giving a flying fuck what happens to you! There, much better!

Once in the car, Molly continues her own little mental breakdown while she worries about whether or not she’s crazy too. The dad promises to get her an appointment to check her out for any crazy, and we get to Molly at home… pulling her shirt off. Oh, for fuck’s sake, movie, you do remember she’s a minor, right?! Now we’re all going to jail!

Anyway, she pulls a completely different shirt on, for… some reason, and heads in to the bathroom to turn the tap off. Annnnnd cue the ghostly murmuring. Ah, yeah, the echo chamber of pure terror. The door slams shut and locks, and she panics and passes out. For… some reason. Um. Because the Kool-Aid Man is red? Fucked if I know!

When she wakes up, she’s in the hospital, and the doctor tells her that all of her nosebleeds and occasional hallucinations are actually just a tumor in her sinus cavity! Sooooo less than a minute later, they yank it out. Yay! Movie over now, right?

Right?

Oh, fuck you.

Once Molly wakes up, the super-religious girl from school, Alexis, shows up for a visit. And she’s here to, A, give Molly her homework, B, try and convince her to join Christianity, and C, tell her that she prays for her every night, which is the religious equivalent of telling somebody you masturbate to their picture every night. Oh, and she gives Molly a bible, which is quite possibly the cutest and creepiest gift ever. Like a puppy bringing you a rubber ball coated in somebody’s blood, and he won’t tell you who it’s from.

[Editor’s Note: That’s a terrible metaphor.]

I stand by it.

[Editor’s Note: This review can’t continue until you take back your metaphor.]

I APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING.

We cut to later, and Molly is just fine after her surgery! Her 18th birthday is coming up, which is just buckets of ominous, but do you know what’s even more ominous? MORE TEENAGE DRAMA!

*head desk*

*head desk*

*head desk*

Okay, okay, goddammit, I’m a fucking professional, I can do this.

Deep breath…

Molly is still flirting with the love interest and he invites her to a party at his place tonight which is problem because Alexis wanted to study tonight and then some blond chick starts raggin’ on Molly because she likes the love interest too but then before it can get too aggressive the resident bad girl bumps in to them and breaks it up! 

God, my keyboard feels filthy now.  And… hey, wait a second, that’s Sabrina from Raising Hope playing the bad girl! I… don’t know enough about that show to make a joke about it. Um. Something, something, My Name Is Earl reference?

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One Response to “Bored To Death, Then Back Again: The Haunting Of Molly Hartley”

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  1. High School Of The Dull: The Haunting Of Molly Hartley Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - September 15, 2014

    […] on This Piece Of Crap: We got to watch a dreadful teen sitcom, all while somebody tried desperately to convince us that […]

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