Dearest Sydney

16 Sep

Dearest Sydney,

Hello. I don’t know you, and I certainly don’t think you know me. So you might be wondering, hey, why am I writing a letter to you? Also, how, seeing as letters are completely obsolete?

Well. First of all, way to be completely offensive to the postal service, Sydney. They have feelings too, you know. And secondly, well, you and me have some issues to settle.

You were in my desk today.

I mean, yeah, okay, not my desk exactly, but- actually, yeah, it is my desk. And, yeah, you being in my desk is also a bit of misnomer, because you weren’t in my desk. Your binder, your phone, and some bizarre ass Slurpee made up of every colour of the shame rainbow was there, but you were nowhere to be found.

But, you know, I’m a reasonable guy. Always use a coaster and all that, so I decided to sit somewhere else.

And then you just… didn’t show up.

I’m… I’m sorry, Sydney, mind running that by me again? You showed up ten minutes early, dumped your crap on… my desk, and then just decided, well, fuck it?! Good enough?! I just- what?!

Okay. Deep breath. I’m sorry, Sydney, I don’t know what came over me.

Anyway, the point is, I used the scissors in your pencil case to carve racial slurs in to your cell phone case. Not because I have anything against any particular race, I just wanted to make sure you could never come out in polite society ever again.

I hope we can be friends anyway, Sydney.

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One Response to “Dearest Sydney”

  1. Alexander Dunwall September 17, 2014 at 10:14 am #

    Note to self; never leave binders, phones, and Slurpees on anyone’s desks….especially yours.

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