“Self Evident Title Card”: Fertile Ground Review, Part Two

23 Sep

This movie just confuses me. No, not all the dead baby stuff or how boring it is, I get all that, it’s just… why does it keep flashing up title cards to tell us what we already know is happening?! Was Fertile Ground originally made for TV? Or maybe just audience members too distracted by shiny objects to remember what the hell is happening?!

Actually, considering most people I know, that’s a valid concern.

This is just the happiest image to have plastered across my site, huh.

Previously, on Fertile Ground: Emily and Nate had a miscarriage, and moved out to a haunted house out in the country. The facts are presumably unrelated, but I cannot discount the theory that the dead baby was actually their real estate agent.

Ahem!

Anyway, we come back to- Nate and Emily about to fuck! Okay wow, this is an inconvenient time to come back to. But hey, at least their sex scene is lit by… creepy ambient back-lighting? Wait no that’s not a positive trait okay backspace, rewind.

But suddenly, midway through, Emily looks up at Nate and BAM! Now he has mutton chops! Not exactly the scariest of imagery, but it’s nice to know this movie is terrifying to barbers. And, like, no one else. 

The next morning, Emily is washing up in the bathroom, and suddenly the toilet sprays crap at her! Why, hello, most obvious joke about this movie being terrible ever. It turns out the piping is all buggered up, and when they bring some plumbers in to fix it, they find… an old skull! Well. Charming. They call the cops, but the cops say that the skull is probably too old for the killer to still be around, and they shouldn’t be in any danger. And so Emily and Nate-

“OLD SECRETS.”

OKAY SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THESE TITLE CARDS.

Anyway, after the cut, Nate’s… friend? Sister? Co-worker? Mistress? Fuck-buddy? Anyway, she shows up to drag Nate to some galleries for the day, and is just… way touchy-feely with him. Jesus, either they’re fucking, or the actors are and nobody told them they couldn’t hump on camera. Anyway, with her day free, Emily heads down to the historical society to talk to… Avery?! Hey, that’s me!

[Editor’s Note: … Wait, no, it’s not!]

Eh, fuck it, that’s what everyone calls me anyway.

Avery runs the historical society, and presumably about a thousand tweed jackets. And he’s here to explain the DARK HISTORY ABOUT THEIR NEW HOUSE (trademark pending). But yeah, the guy who built it killed himself, his wife disappeared, a serial killer lived in the area, there was murder, a school-teacher got tossed out the window, etcetera, etcetera. Eh, that’s okay and all, but it’s sure no wine vat full of acid! The House On Haunted Hill forever!

*salute*

At home, the ghosts jostle doors and jiggle jock straps or whatever the hell ghosts do, to freak out Emily, and at night, they… whisper at her. But… but you know, in an assuredly menacing fashion. She wanders through the amazingly well lit house for a bit, and then an abortion ghost jumps out at her! No, not the ghost of an abortion, that’d actually be kind of metal. It’s just some spooky woman covered in blood with a pool of blood between her legs. And then… Emily faints?

Pansy.

The doctor’s check her out, and start running some tests to figure out whether or not she’s crazy or haunted, and at home, Nate is back! Oh, and also, the tree they planted is dead! Man, that’s surely some strange happenings-

“STRANGE HAPPENINGS.”

I AM GOING TO FUCK THIS MOVIE IN THE EYE SOCKET IF IT DOESN’T QUIT THAT.

[Editor’s Note: … Do movies even have eye sockets?]

MY POINT REMAINS VALID.

Anyway, back to the boredo- er, I mean, film! Nate and Emily’s marriage is getting more and more strained, and on an unrelated note, they identified the skull as belonging to an adult female! Oh, of course, it’s the lady who went missing. Because it’s the most obvious option, duh! Jesus, does this movie have any original ideas?

*ring ring ring*

“Oh, Emily, who was that on the phone?”

“It’s the doctor… I’m pregnant.”

… Wait, WHAT?!

I… I don’t… WHAT?!

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2 Responses to ““Self Evident Title Card”: Fertile Ground Review, Part Two”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. It’s A Baby Something! Fertile Ground Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - September 24, 2014

    […] on Fertile Ground: Emily and Nate are going through your standard haunted house plot, completely by the numbers, […]

  2. The Beauty Of New Life And Also Ghosts In Yo’ Face: Fertile Ground Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - September 25, 2014

    […] on Fertile Ground: Stuff happened, go check the other parts to find […]

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