It’s A Baby Something! Fertile Ground Review, Part Three

24 Sep

I’m sure somewhere in this review I am just terribly insensitive. You know, maybe all those mentions of dead babies? Maybe just a little bit, or has the internet convinced us all that murdering babies is totally kosher?

(Incidentally, “Murdering Babies Is Totally Kosher” is going on a t-shirt.)

But waaaait, the skull they found wasn’t from a baby! PLOT HOLE.

Previously, on Fertile Ground: Emily and Nate are going through your standard haunted house plot, completely by the numbers, nothing too interesting to say about it… except for the fact that Emily, whose womb is so scarred that she can’t carry a child… is now pregnant.

*cue monocle pop*


Emily is all excited over the news, because every woman wants to hear that they’re carrying the fucking Unborn, but Nate is all dour over it. Hey, don’t feel so upset, dude! You impregnated somebody who can’t get pregnant! Apparently your sperm is magic!

(Also a good thing to put a t-shirt, now that I think about it. Or maybe the name of a self-health book.)

We cut to Emily staying up late and realizing that the drugs she takes to help with her depression aren’t supposed to be taken by pregnant women, so she decides not to take them. Because, you know, it’s not as if the doctor’s would have gotten her some pregnant-friendly drugs when they heard the news. And while Emily gets the ghost treatment- namely, the old ancestor who killed himself wandering around the house and shutting doors, Nate is out in his little work shed painting. Yeah, yeah, we get it, he’s possessed by the ghost of Christmas past or something, can we move on? If it turns out he’s just painting “All Work And No Play Make Nate A Boring Character” over and over again, I’m dousing the film reels in kerosene. And disappointment.

The next morning, it turns out that Nate never came to bed, and stayed up all night painting. Said painting he refuses to show her, and oh, he also refuses to come with her to the doctor’s appointment! Wow, you are so possessed, you make the guy from Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones look subtle.

What, is he worshiping the Deathly Hallows? (And yes, I will be reviewing this VERY soon.)

She drives to the doctor’s appointment by herself, passing… a homeless woman selling rabbit skins and a time distorted traffic light? That is… that is… I don’t… okay! Nice of the movie to just go completely fucking insane for a moment! Anyway, she makes it back home after the appointment, and while she’s completely pissed, she gives him the lowdown: She’s a high risk pregnancy, but as long as she stays off her feet and doesn’t get stressed out, she’ll be fine, right?


Dammit, what’s with the ironic echoing ambient laughter?! I thought we fixed that!

So, cue montage! Nate paints, while Emily lounges around, reads books, plays cards, and watches… The Night Of The Living Dead? Huzzah for public domain! Anyway, Emily is bored out of her mind and decides to get her friends over for a house party, which pisses Nate off, because he has work to do or something! And also, he insinuates that he doesn’t care about the baby! Oooh, dude, you’re sleeping in the doghouse- wait, you already ARE sleeping in that tiny wooden shed. Um.

Moving on.

We cut to the gathering-


ANYWAY! All of their friends show up to the house, and everything is all cheery and happy and blah blah blah, and Nate even crawls out of the shed to come say hi! Gosh, everything is happy! Well. He came to say hi to that one woman who he is obviously screwing, all while Emily sits there and glares at them kissing on the stairs, but same thing, right?

[Editor’s Note: Not even close.]


While Emily sits around and tries to light Nate on fire with her mind, she spots the ancestor ghost wandering around the party, but gets interrupted when a hipster douche accidentally spills wine on her. Oh, and Avery’s shown up to tell her more about the house! WOOT! GO TEAM PEOPLE NAMED AVERY!

[Editor’s Note: That is SO not a team.]

Emily runs upstairs to change out of her dress, and runs in to Nate’s cheery-friendly-mistress, and we cut outside to Nate talking with Emily’s friend… until the mistress gets her ass tossed through the window.

*innocent coughing*

She’s still alive, apparently, and the EMTs cart her away. And we cut to Emily admitting to her best friend about how she sees ghosts, who is… surprisingly understanding! Damn, most of my friends would be halfway into slapping me into a straitjacket by now, and not in the fun way.

The friend has to go home, so Emily goes for some rest… until she hears a gunshot, and finds Nate eviscerating a rabbit on the kitchen counter.

Worst Bugs Bunny cartoon ever.


One Response to “It’s A Baby Something! Fertile Ground Review, Part Three”


  1. The Beauty Of New Life And Also Ghosts In Yo’ Face: Fertile Ground Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - September 25, 2014

    […] on Fertile Ground: Stuff happened, go check the other parts to find […]

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