The Beauty Of New Life And Also Ghosts In Yo’ Face: Fertile Ground Review, Part Four

… That title just utterly mystifies me, and I’m the one who wrote it. That’s never a good sign.

I think I have that thing as a paperweight.

Previously, on Fertile Ground: Stuff happened, go check the other parts to find out.

Ahem!

So yeah, Emily walks in on Possessed-Nate eviscerating the rabbit he just shot, and they proceed to eat it over a very awkward dinner. Oh, man, it’s just like the time my girlfriend vivisected a bison and expected me to dig in! Worst Easter ever.

[Editor’s Note: … Is that real?]

Oh, of course not! That would require that I have a girlfriend!

That night, while Nate stays up all night painting in the shed, Emily can’t sleep, and she spots a ghost child running in there to play with him. But of course, once Emily gets there, neither Nate nor the ghost are in there. Instead, the ghost leads her on a merry chase to… a child’s grave. And who does she find inside but Nate! Oh, and then the Ancestor ghost hits her with an axe, and she wakes up from this obvious dream. But… you know, with dirt on her hands from the grave! Ooooh, spooky!

(Either that, or her hands were putting on black-face while she slept.)

The next day, Emily kills time spelling out “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME” with alphabet blocks, until GHOST JUMP SCARE! HOLDING A DEAD GHOST BABY! She runs off (Emily, not the ghost), and finds Nate in his shed, who dismisses her and tells her that everything is just fine, and they should totally stay in this haunted house!

… Emily immediately runs off, tells him to fuck himself, hops in the car, and starts driving away. Which, and I could be wrong here, but I think that is officially the smartest thing anybody has ever done in a ghost movie. But before she can get too far, she starts convulsing and clutching her womb and drives back. Because… I guess she thinks her haunted house is bad and all but… like, fuck this car, yo.

Once she makes it back to the house and crawls in to bed, Nate’s voice chimes in over the inter-com and apologizes and says oh yeah I’d never hurt you Mary oh wait who the fuck is Mary?! And suddenly, Nate appears behind her! The woman who got tossed out the window is dead, and now he has to go into the city for some work, and you’ll totally be fine all alone in the haunted house, right, pregnant wife?

… In case it’s not clear yet, I want this film to end with this guy turned in to pink goddamn mist.

Pictured: This guy. Exploding.

We cut to- wait. No, no, it’s been a while, I know what’s going to happen, I know what’s going to fucking happen-

“REVELATIONS.”

[WAILING AND GNASHING OF TEETH]

So, all alone, Emily wiles away her days, until she follows one of the ghosts to a big stack of papers in the middle of the room, with a big porcelain doll as a paper weight. And underneath said doll is Mary- the ghost who’s been following her around, the one Possessed-Nate keeps calling her, the owner of that skull they found- yeah, it’s her diary. And it turns out, every single thing that’s happened in this house has happened to the original Mary. The moving in, the house party, the woman tossed out the window, the pregnancy, the husband getting called away on work- everything, and it’s happened to every single couple who’ve lived here, right down to the very dates! Oh, and it ends with them dying. Just by the way. In case you’re curious. Little tidbit.

Emily calls up her best friend to come help her, because what with what happened before, she can’t leave without tremendous pain. So, the friend is on her way, and who decides to show up early for his murder spree, but Nate! So Emily grabs a knife and decides to start swinging at anything that moves!

*SHNK*

Oh, hey, best friend. Here a little early, huh?

Emily accidentally murders her best friend with the knife, tosses Nate down the stairs to slow him down, then runs off. She makes it on top of the balcony, and Nate follows, and the two engage in an epic fight! … Well, epic, except for the fact that he looks like the ancestor ghost now and IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TAKE A BAD GUY WITH SILLY MUTTON CHOPS SERIOUSLY.

They fall off the balcony, and she manages to wrestle the knife away from Ghost-Nate, and slices him and his silly facial hair to ribbons. And at the hospital, under police guard, there’s absolutely no sign that she was ever pregnant! Annnnnd cut to her singing creepy nursery songs in a padded cell at the asylum?!

…

Wait, so, was she crazy the whole time? Were the ghosts real? Was Nate really possessed, or did she just imagine it? Was the pregnancy real, or did the ghosts get rid of that too? Or did they just make her think she was pregnant? Or… what? A little more clarification would be appreciated, movie!

…

Also goddammit this was just Maternal Instinct, wasn’t it?!

GAAAAAAAAAH I TOLD YOU I WOULD DEVELOP A PHOBIA OF THIS FUCKING POSTER.

So, that was Fertile Ground! How was it?

Okay!

…

What, you want more than that?

It certainly had some interesting ideas and good acting, but a lack of decent scares and a lot of tedium keep it from being anything great! But hey, at least they’re trying, am I right?!

(I am not right.)