There’s A Gremlin Destroying The Plot: Area 407 Review, Part One

30 Sep

You know, sometimes, I have to wonder… when will I ever see another unique found footage film again? Will I ever see a movie that actually does something interesting with the genre?

[Editor’s Note: Well, I don’t know about that, but this one has dinosaurs in it?]

… GIMME.

Pictured: The Lost sequel too awesome to actually exist.

Oh, I’m sorry, did I spoil the whole “dinosaur” bit? The whole marketing campaign for Area 407 tried to keep it a secret, but I guess nobody told whoever made that poster, because… yep, that’s a dinosaur eye! Maybe a velociraptor was the one driving the plane?

Ahem!

We open with- the IFC Logo?! Stop following me around, IFC! Erm, anyway, we open with a big title card saying that everything is totally real, fo’ shizzle. And in the plot proper, we see two sisters filming themselves as they board a plane. Wait, they let you board with cameras?! When I tried that, everyone was just like boohoo, your novelty shotgun tri-pod is totally inappropriate, blah blah blah.

The younger sister with the camera is all talkative, sayin’ hi to everyone, gossiping about people, making fun of them, and generally being that special brand of little kid that is simultaneously charming and I WILL PAY ANY DINOSAUR TWENTY FISH HEADS AND AN ACRE OF LAND TO WHICHEVER ONE GUTS HER.

[Editor’s Note: You’re not exactly a people person, huh.]

Is that really such a surprise?! I’M GRUMPY!

So yeah, they take off, and then they… just kind of waste time! Talk to people,gossip, film the backs of seats, they even- oh, for fuck’s sake, they film the safety procedures?! Nobody even gives a damn about those when they’re actually there, never mind in a fucking film!

You know, I’m not sure how many people actually know how I write these reviews, so lets give you a rundown. See, I usually have the movie open in one tab, and WordPress open in the other, and I write it literally at the same time as I’m watching it! I don’t do that for video reviews or my big projects, of course, but it’s my usual way of doing things. And I just bring this up because WE ARE FIFTEEN MINUTES IN AND THEY ARE DOING SMALL TALK THEY ARE JUST DOING SMALL TALK THAT IS LITERALLY ALL THAT IS HAPPENING HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO WRITE A REVIEW WHEN NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

Okay, okay, FINALLY something is happening! The flight starts to hit some turbulence, after about fifteen minutes of wasting our fucking time, and then- bam! Down it goes! The plane has officially crashed!

Alright, everyone is dead now.

Good night!

[Editor’s Note: … Dude, you’ve barely started-]

Shhhhhhh if I don’t acknowledge that the bad movie exists, it can’t hurt me.

This actually makes a very good metaphor for most of the movies I’ve watched.

One Response to “There’s A Gremlin Destroying The Plot: Area 407 Review, Part One”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Proof That The Government Is Run By Lizards: Area 407 Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - October 1, 2014

    […] Previously, on Area 407: A plane crashed! There we go, up to speed. […]

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