Proof That The Government Is Run By Lizards: Area 407 Review, Part Two

1 Oct

… I fear I’ve made a terrible mistake. Um. Any chance I can distract you with a charming song and dance number and not have to finish watching Area 407?

Man, dinosaurs are the BEST cameramen.

Previously, on Area 407: A plane crashed! There we go, up to speed.

Ahem!

So, yeah, we cut back in after the plane crashes, and everybody is all torn up after the crash. And sadly, the little girl’s vocal cords are still fine. Which means yes, we will have to put up with her talking for the rest of the film. But her arm is broken and bleeding, so I guess I can learn to settle with putting the little girl in incredible pain?

[Editor’s Note: You are a bucket of sunshine, huh.]

I am a rainbow.

The plane has been veritably torn in half, with us tagging along with the rear end, but one of the survivors heads off to find his wife in the front half. And five minutes later, somebody else does too. Goddammit, haven’t you people ever heard the song?!

This would be a totally appropriate song for most of the movies I review, huh.

Forty five minutes go by, with no rescue teams yet, and tempers are wearing thin. And by that, I mean the resident obnoxious jackass is. And then everyone screams for a while, all while the jerkass giggles in self satisfaction. Woooow, I haven’t seen such boredom mix with such frustration since… every movie I’ve ever seen, I think.

Finally, about thirty tedious minutes in to the run-time, they hear somebody screaming in the distance… followed by a roar. Oh, right! This movie has dinosaurs in it! I fucking forgot! And after about, oh, five minutes of hearing said dinosaur roar, followed by discussions about what could be making that noise, we finally get our payoff! The survivor who left comes back, covered in blood and talking about how everyone at the other crash site is dead. And then everyone yells at each other some more. I’m… I’m really at a loss here, I think this movie is breaking my reviewer powers. It’s… it’s just… so boring. 

No, really. I don’t think you understand how boring this is.

So. BORING.

Thirty eight unbelievably boring minutes in, something finally happens, when the flight attendant heads in to the wreckage of the plane and gets yanked in by something off-screen. Annnnnd then immediately yanked out to the other side. So… what, the dinosaur just kind of gummed her for a bit then left her for later?

After a few more minutes of… just talking, because this movie is good at that, the dinosaur comes back and scares the survivors off, as it proceeds to… throw the flight attendant’s body at them? (Insert joke about playing with your food here!)

Hah hah hah oh I’m soooo funny, right?

HOW IS THIS SO FUCKING BORING?! HOW COULD YOU MAKE A FUCKING FOUND FOOTAGE FILM ABOUT FUCKING DINOSAURS SO FUCKING BORING?! HOW COULD I POSSIBLY MAKE JOKES ABOUT SOMETHING THIS FUCKING BORING?! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

I WILL PUNCH THIS MOVIE IN THE SOUL.

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