Ah, Yes, The Sexiest Fruit: About Cherry Review, Part One

6 Oct

Hmm. You know what, I’m in the mood for questionable sexual politics!

WAIT NO THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT LEMME EXPLAIN-

Oooooh, this is going to get awkward fast.

Everybody likes porn, right? Well, okay, most porn is terrible. It’s like the fast food version of erotica, but everybody likes erotica, right? Well, okay, not if you’re not in the mood. Or if it’s badly written. Or if you’re asexual. Or LOOK OKAY IT’S ABOUT CHERRY SHUT THE FUCK UP WE’RE REVIEWING ABOUT CHERRY.

Ahem!

Today’s film opens with- OH, FUCK OFF, IFC FILMS! EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH TURNS TO ORANGE JUICE AND TOOTHPASTE IN MY MOUTH! Erm, anyway, we open with the titular Cherry and her boyfriend driving around town, followed immediately by a EVERYONE PAY ATTENTION TO HOW MUCH CHERRY’S LIFE SUCKS sequence. She works a crap job at a laundromat, her mother’s a drunk, her father’s an asshole, and she’s secretly a werewolf who’s going to get kidnapped and forced to fight other werewolves- wait. Crap, that’s a different movie. I’ve been doing this so long they’re all starting to run together.

That night, she goes to a big party to see her boyfriend playing band, which is, as expected, terrible. Hell, I’ve seen school assemblies rock harder than this. (No, seriously, I once had a school assembly with a rock band telling us to save the whales.) Cherry and her boyfriend go back to his place to boink, and he encourages her to… take dirty pictures for money?! You know, why is it when he says that to his girlfriend, he gets a whole movie, but when tell a girl to do that, it’s all of a sudden a sexual harassment suit I ONLY SAID IT TO YOU ONCE, AMANDA.

She gets pissed off, naturally, and heads home, which means it’s once again time for the CHERRY’S LIFE SUCKS VARIETY HOUR! Once that’s over with, we cut to the next day, with Cherry hanging out with her best friend, Not-Quite-Danny-Pudi. Annnd then that scene ends too! Wow, this movie just comes and it goes, I can see why they based it off the porn industry.

With such a stirring argument, Cherry heads off to the local smutty picture manufacturer, Vaughn! Whose name I had to type out about ten times before I could figure out how it’s spelled. But yeah, she does the shoot. Which is of course leading up to the inevitable cross-over with Sinister Urge.

After she’s done, her boyfriend is all pissy over the whole thing. Well, gee, it’s almost as though you pressured her in to doing that in the first place, you stoma-sucking wang-hoarder.

[Editor’s Note: Have… have you just run out of insults to use and now you just make up your own?]

Oh, hush up, you ass-raptor.

The next day, Cherry says fuck it, packs up her stuff, and she and her best friend head off to San Francisco And according to the subtitles, said friend’s name is “Andrew”, and not “Not-Quite-Danny-Pudi”. And it is a goddamn shame that I had to check subtitles to figure that out. So, they head off to San Francisco and find a place to room with a man who is just… shockingly femmy. Well, it is San Francisco.

Her relationship with her family is… understandably shaky, and she ends up getting a job as a waitress at a strip club. Which is just the right amount of sleazy, and neon, and bad rapping! And people wonder why I don’t want to go to a strip club. Well. That, and I’m pretty sure I’d spend the entire time apologizing for looking at naked women.

While Andrew gets dragged to a gay bar and just utterly wasted, Cherry gets hit on by drunk men and gets to watch some guy get tossed out on his ass for touching the girls. And presumably, right next door, the Asian School Girls are raising stripping money to kill rapists with kung fu.

Andrew gets back, and finds Cherry half asleep in the bed that they share. And of course, while half asleep, shes coos about how great a guy he his, how he’ll totally find a girl one day, and then… nuzzles up on his laps?! Dude. Dude. I don’t care what gender you are, or who the other person is, deliberately turning somebody else on just to screw with them is a flag and a fifteen yard penalty!

And the next day, Cherry… performs a strip-tease by herself in front of a mirror. Thank you for wasting a minute of my life, About Cherry.

So, with that done, Cherry heads off to Bod, the local fetish porn site! Well… like, the- the actual office for the site, s- she’s not traveling to the internet. And they have a nice, very frank conversation about sexuality and what she’d be comfortable with and it makes filming porn seem really… normal? AND ALSO THERE’S NO SPACE IN HERE FOR JOKES SERIOUSLY THIS IS REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

And after a quick scene of interacting in the back of a porno studio, it’s time for Cherry’s first shoot! Annnnd it’s school girl porn.

HOLY SHIT, THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF STUFF I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT WHEN I STARTED THIS SITE. THE SHOWER THAT I JUST TOOK NEEDS TO TAKE A SHOWER.

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