Internet Campfire Tales: Teddy Bear Picnic, A Creepypasta Review

17 Oct

Welcome back to Internet Campfire Tales, the only web series that dug up Vincent Price’s corpse for perfect ambiance! Plus, it makes for a great post-coital conversation piece.

internet_campfire_tales

Oh, look at that! Teddy Bear Picnic? Wouldn’t that be a nifty title for a Creepypasta? Man, this is fo’ shizzle going to be creepy! Let’s roll!

Ahem!

“If you go down to the woods today you’re sure of a big surprise.”

Okay, so we’re starting with a quote from the nursery rhyme! Badly quoted and all that, but it sets the mood! Okay, now what?

“If you go down to the woods today you’d better go in disguise.”

Yep, that’s also the poem.

“For ev’ry bear that ever there was will gather there for certain, because today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic.”

I wonder what we’re leading up to!

“Ev’ry teddy bear who’s been good is sure of a treat today. There’s lots of marvelous things to eat and wonderful games to play.”

… We are leading up to something, right?

“Beneath the trees where nobody sees they’ll hide and seek as long as they please cause that’s the way the teddy bears have their picnic.”

Oh no. Oh no no no no no.

“If you go down to the woods today you’d better not go alone. It’s lovely down in the woods today but safer to stay at home.”

This… this is just the rhyme, isn’t it! There’s… there’s nothing else here, is there?! Fucking is there?!

“For ev’ry bear that ever there was will gather there for certain, because today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic.”

I’m getting punk’d, right? This isn’t actually happening, right? You guys have stuck, like, spy cams in my underwear just to film me freaking out at this right?! Right?! PLEASE TELL ME I’M RIGHT!

“Picnic time for teddy bears the little teddy bears are having a lovely time today watch them, catch them unawares and see them picnic on their holiday.”

… DUMB! THIS IS DUMB!

“See them gaily gad about they love to play and shout; they never have any care; at six o’clock their mummies and daddies, will take them home to bed, because they’re tired little teddy bears.”

That’s… that’s it?! You had nothing else here?! You went to Creepypasta with the express purpose of writing a story, and you fucking came out with the fucking Teddy Bear Picnic! MY GOD! That’s failing in entirely new directions that scientists have barely even conceived of! That’s like if you tried to play catch AND INSTEAD YOU CAUGHT SYPHILIS! 

SEE YOU NEXT TIME, I GUESS!

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