Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review, Part Seven

4 Nov

Just by the way, if this review gets into triple digits, I’m burning down the entire fucking website and starting over. Maybe pink instead, and “A Supes Wacked Out Place” for a title.

internet_campfire_talesPreviously, on BEN DrownedBlah blah blah, scary cartridge, blah blah blah, boring ass ghost, etcetera etcetera.

Ahem!

“That same fear that caused me to lose sleep two days ago started to grip me again as I was met with the text “You’ve met with a horrible fate, haven’t you?” for the third time. There has to be some kind of meaning behind that.”

Sorry, man, I am not nearly drunk enough to try and decipher this crap.

“I had little time to ponder as I was immediately given another small cut-scene of transforming into a Zora and now I found myself in Great Temple Bay. Hesitant but curious to see what the game had in store for me, I slowly made my way towards the beach, where I found Epona.”

I’m going to assume “Epona” is a kind of pony, but I can’t discount the possibility that it’s actually some kind of Hylian strip club.

“I wondered why the game had decided to put her here, was the game implying she was trying to get a drink?”

Okay, fine, it’s most definitely a pony.

… Dammit.

“Unable to take the mask off, I decided that riding the steed wasn’t the reason she was placed there.”

SAVE A HORSE, RIDE A ZORA! WHAT- WHAT! SAVE A HORSE, RIDE A ZORA!

I will write a full BEN Drowned parody of that song, if my ransom demands are not met by the stroke of midnight.

“Suddenly I realized that Epona kept neighing and the way she was angled made it look like she was trying to signal a point to me off in the distance. It was a hunch, but I dove into Great Bay and started swimming.”

Actually, now that I think about it, what IS a Zora?

… Terrifying. The answer to that question is “terrifying”.

“Sure enough – I almost missed it – I found something at the bottom of the ocean; one last Elegy of Emptiness statue. I went down to examine it and suddenly my Zora started doing a choking animation I had never seen a Zora do before – which didn’t even make sense because Zora’s can breath underwater.”

Well, maybe your Zora is just dying because he realizes what a monumentally stupid idea that was seriously the one time in this entire fucking story that you’re not being followed by that fucking statue AND YOU DECIDED THAT YOU SHOULD JUST GO AND POKE HIM WITH A STICK?! YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT!

“Regardless, my character choked to death and died, and again the statue was the only thing that was highlighted in my death. I didn’t re-spawn this time, I was booted back to the main menu as if I restarted the console.”

This is where you shut the console off, right- oh, who am I kidding, Jadusable wouldn’t do something sensible if it was bent over with it’s pants around it’s ankles.

“The “press start” screen was before me, I knew the only reason why it would put me here is because the save files had changed again. Taking a deep breath, I pressed start, and I was right. The new save files told me about Ben.”

Oh, yeah- in case you didn’t watch the video last time, the shocking reveal was that the save file changed to “DROWNED”. And the other one is BEN, get it? BEN DROWNED? Heh? Heh? It’s clever, or at least, it would be if that wasn’t the fucking title.

“Now it made sense why the statue appeared when I tried to go to the Laundry Pool – the game must have anticipated how I would have tried to escape the Day 4 Clock Town. The two save files told me his fate. As I suspected, Ben was dead. He had drowned.”

The Duh heard around the world.

“The game obviously isn’t through with me – it taunts me with the new save files – it wants me to keep playing, it wants me to go further, but I’m done with this shit.”

Is that a promise?

“I’m not touching any more of the files. This is already way too horrifying for me and I don’t even believe in the paranormal, but I’m running out of explanations. Why would someone send me this message?”

Spoiler alert: This is all a set-up for the most romantic marriage proposal ever.

Wait, are there actually BEN Drowned romance fanfictions? Holy fuck, there actually are! Why aren’t I reviewing those?!

WHAT A SEXY BEAST says a small portion of the internet whom I never, ever want to meet.

“I don’t understand it, I just get too depressed thinking about this, the footage is up here for those who want to see it and try and analyze it (maybe there’s some kind of coded message in the gibberish or something symbolic in what I went through – I’m too emotionally and mentally drained to fuck with it anymore).”

‘Emotionally and mentally draining’ – what a great phrase to describe this review.

And… holy fuck, we did it! PART TWO: DONE! And the story is finally starting to get interesting! AND WE ONLY HAVE FIVE THOUSAND WORDS LEFT!

… Wait, why am I happy about that.

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8 Responses to “Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review, Part Seven”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review, Part Eight | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 7, 2014

    […] on BEN Drowned: Haunted video game cartridge versus the man too dumb to turn it off! TONIGHT, ON […]

  2. Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review, Part Nine | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 8, 2014

    […] on BEN Drowned: Either a game cartridge is possessed by the spirit of a dead child named BEN, or a gamer is slowly going insane […]

  3. Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review, Part Ten | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 11, 2014

    […] I should pay somebody to make me a better logo. Erm, anyway! Previously, on BEN Drowned: All this spooky Zelda crap has made little Jadusable run wee wee wee, all the way home, so we’re left in the […]

  4. Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review, Part Eleven | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 13, 2014

    […] on BEN Drowned: Jadusable has finally revealed that despite BEN’s… efforts to stop him? With magic? Anyway, he apparently had […]

  5. Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review, Part Twelve | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 15, 2014

    […] on BEN Drowned: There were things that happened. Go read the other parts. Having to write these summaries day in and day out is like […]

  6. Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review, Part Thirteen | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 20, 2014

    […] on BEN Drowned: Somehow, the haunted Majora’s Mask cartridge has managed to take control of Cleverbot! My god, if it manages to […]

  7. Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review, Part Fourteen | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 21, 2014

    […] on BEN Drowned: Either Jadusable’s little choo-choo has gone around the bend, or BEN is controlling his mind from inside his electronics. Um. […]

  8. Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review, Part Fifteen | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - November 27, 2014

    […] on BEN Drowned: Hmm. Actually, I think I made a charming infographic that could sum up what’s happened thus […]

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