PREVIEW OF THE FUTURE OR MAYBE THE PAST I DUNNO I’M BAD AT TIME TRAVEL

26 Nov

*sing song voice* Woooorking on another video review! Here’s some teasers- or, er, quotes might be the more applicable term, I guess. ANYWAY YEAH FEAR ME I’M GREAT.

“Recently, I have been informed that “reviews are better if the reviewer actually likes movies”. Well, I’ve decided to take this incredibly condescending advice to heart, and from now, I’ve decided to only review great movies! … A shame I’m doing this instead.”

“And hey, this movie just came out in theaters, so this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to reviewing something culturally relevant! … God, that’s depressing.”

“Why is it that we’re only two minutes in, and I already feel like we’ve sat through a fuckload of padding? It’s really a marvel, this opening is actually longer than the movie that it’s in. Non-euclidean editing!”

“Oh right! There’s an actual plot here! And here I thought this was just going to be softcore porn run through a grain thresher.”

“What the hell do you mean, ‘it’s not safe out here’?! It’s an ice cream truck. That drove in the other direction. Unless you think it’s a distraction so he can release a toxic cloud of Rocky Road and rain death on the city, I think we’re safe.”

“Oh, congrats, fucking congratulations, you should get a goddamn award on missing the point entirely. I’d give you a round of applause for your magnificent ability to screw everything up, if I wasn’t afraid you’d join in and somehow liquefy a baby.”

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