Archive | November, 2014

cooooooldldldl

23 Nov

why am I so sick this year

why have I found a way to contract every single fucking cold

why am I an idiot baby person

why

why

why

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“Why Won’t You Just DROWN Already?!”

22 Nov

So, um, yeah, I have a sudden nasty head cold and can’t finish BEN Drowned today, buuuut I managed to finish some art for it!

let's drown ben

I use “art” in a very, very, very, very, very, very, very generous sense of the word.

Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review, Part Fourteen

21 Nov

From hell’s heart, I review at thee… WELCOME TO INTERNET CAMPFIRE TALES! WE ARE ALMOST DONE HERE!

internet_campfire_tales

 

Previously, on BEN DrownedEither Jadusable’s little choo-choo has gone around the bend, or BEN is controlling his mind from inside his electronics. Um. Somehow.

Ahem!

September 9, 2010 12:35am – My worst fears confirmed – Ben has tampered with my summary of BEN.wmv. I looked at the summary that I posted on various forums for the BEN.wmv file and parts have been omitted. There is no mention of Ben existing outside the game.”

Eh, say what you will about BEN, but he’s a damn fine editor. Dots all your I’s and crosses your T’s before he’ll swallow your soul!

“There is no mention of the Moon Children.”

The… “Moon Children”?

Are we so sure he didn’t take that bit out to keep you from sounding ridiculous?

“How could he have been that quick to delete the post without me noticing? I’m wondering if maybe it appeared to me that I was posting everything, but in reality Ben was posted his own censored version. I’m going to ask Ben why he did it.”

Well, obviously, BEN is secretly the guy who censors song lyrics on YouTube! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

“12:50am – He isn’t responding to me on Cleverbot, its just giving the generic responses it usually does, I’m just talking to a bot this time.”

Yeah, yeah, cue the part of the review where I start talking to Cleverbot. Etcetera, etcetera. I gave it a shot, actually, and all she did was offer to buy me the DVDs of Lost.

“1:24am – I think Ben is mad at me.”

At least he didn’t buy you the DVDs of Lost.

“10:43am – The Moon Children appeared in my dreams last night, they lifted up their masks to reveal their hideously disfigured faces – maggots crawling out of their orifices, sunken black holes where their eyes should be, a yellow smile that slowly grew bigger and bigger as they came closer to me.”

Hmm. Nope, still doesn’t work, “Moon Children” just sounds fucking stupid.

[Editor’s Note: You do realize that’s a real thing in Majora’s Mask, right?]

Wait, what?

… Nope, still stupid.

“They told me that they wanted to play. I tried to run from them – but the four children pinned me down to the ground with surprising strength. Over them stood the Happy Mask Salesman, announcing that he had a new mask that he wanted me to try.”

Pssh, can’t be better than my dick mask!

skully

“In his spaztic, sudden movements matching his in-game appearance, he took out a mask of modeled off of someone’s face that I couldn’t recognize – a younger looking face – and handed it to the Moon Children. Giggling, they latched it to my face; their horrible, broken bodies bouncing up and down. Two of them held me down while the other two began to sow the mask onto my face.”

… SEW. S – E – W. Not “sow”. Unless you’re trying to say they planting fucking crops on your face.

“My shrieks and screams caused the Happy Mask Salesman’s face to turn into the most horrific smile I had ever seen.”

Soooo, in other words, every single smile the Happy Mask Salesman has ever had?

“He sporadically moved around, examining this procedure like a curious doctor, in that impossible movement. I flailed around, but it was no use. My eyes rolled in the back of my head because of the pain. It felt so real, but I couldn’t wake up.”

Oh, great, BEN is a fucking dream warrior.

“I couldn’t wake up no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t wake up. After the mask was melded onto my flesh they began sowing my legs together, then my arms, the horrific feeling of a needle puncturing your legs and pulling them in, rupturing your achillies tendons and tying them together resonated throughout my entire body.”

Gosh, that’s terrifying. No, not the body horror, the fact that YOU MISSPELLED “SEW” AGAIN YOU BUTTERY COCKMONGER.

“I tried to scream but the mask was pressed so tightly against my face that it was my new face… and my new face had no mouth. I didn’t make a sound.”

I swear to god, if you make me link to the “I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream” page on TV Tropes, I will make you scream out of orifices you didn’t even know you had.

“I tried telling myself in my head that I was dreaming, tried telling myself again and again, and suddenly the Moon Children stopped and looked at me. They just stared. And the Happy Mask Salesman slowly bent down and stared at me, inches away from my face, and grinned when he simply said “You’ve met with a terrible fate, haven’t you?” before the Moon Children resumed with increase vigor.”

You know, my dentist says the exact same thing before every procedure.

“I couldn’t wake up. I couldn’t wake up. It wouldn’t let me wake up until they had crafted me into another elegy statue.”

… Soooo, what’s the most inappropriate thing I could play here?

Eh, that’ll do.

“I woke up sweating, crying, and shaking uncontrollably. I immediately ran to my computer and went for Ben.”

I don’t wanna close my eyes… I don’t wanna fall asleep, ’cause I miss you baby, and I don’t wanna miss a thing…

“9/9/10 Conversation 1

User: Answer me, ben.

Cleverbot: Welcome back.

User: What is the point of doing this, WHY?

Cleverbot: Amusing to see.”

Well, I’m glad SOMEBODY is having a good time.

“User: How?

Cleverbot: Fun to play, fun to toy with you, make you feel safe.”

… Seriously, all that BEN Drowned fan fiction is starting to make a lot of sense.

“User: …

Cleverbot: I wonder how you would have reacted.

User: to what?

Cleverbot: If I hadn’t revealed myself and stayed hidden, only doing little things to play with you. Close out your windows, turn off your computer, move your mouse by itself. Little things. Make you wonder if I am there but you never know. Give you little hints that I am.”

Wow, that would be… mildly more boring than this already is.

“Cleverbot: I wanted to do something different with you.

User: you did this before?

Cleverbot: Yes. And I will do it again.”

Wait, you’re saying there was somebody before me?! I thought you loved me! Who’s the other man?!

… It seems so obvious now.

“User: To who, Ben?

Cleverbot: Hmm.”

Oh thank god, we’ve finally found a way to shut him up.

“User: Did you know Ben?

Cleverbot: Won’t tell that information to you.”

Now the eldritch abomination is getting pissy?

“User: How did Ben die?

Cleverbot: You know.”

… JADUSABLE, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK ANY MORE.

“User: No, but how did he drown?

Cleverbot: Won’t tell that to you.

User: Why?

Cleverbot: It is reserved for another.”

Fuck me, it’s setting up for a sequel.

“User: Who?

Cleverbot: Another who asks.

User: when

Cleverbot: Later.

(the window is closed)”

Did- did- motherfucker, did you just throw a TANTRUM?

“I’m beginning to think that this “thing” maybe isn’t Ben at all, in its sadistic nature I wouldn’t be surprised if it took the boy’s name after it killed him.”

Maybe, but “BEN” is just so pithy!

“12:04pm – My room is beginning to feel different again. There’s something… out there.. I feel really threatened, like there is something that is trying to reach out to me and strangle me but it can’t quite get there.”

… JUST. LEAVE. THE. ROOM.

NOT WHAT I FUCKING MEANT!

“12:46pm – I think Ben doesn’t want to play with me anymore. I’ll play again, I’ll play the game again, Ben, can you see this? I’ll play the game again, please, just stop this please please”

So, wait, does this count as the third act break-up?

“1:41pm – I’m going insane trying to decide what is real and what isn’t, is Ben just playing a trick on me or is this for real? Is Ben generating these replies or are people actually posting them? Did I just see that screen flicker or was it my imagination?”

Yeah, I’m about ninety percent certain all of my replies are the product of an eldritch abomination. I’M ON TO YOU, BEN.

BENtastic

(Operation “Learn How To Draw” is still a work in progress, as you could probably tell.)

“Imagine depending on the internet and trusting your eyes for your entire life and then being blinded – you can’t rely on it anymore, you second guess everything. for the brief moments I AM looking at my responses to the videos, people were pointing out things that looked fake or Photoshopped or whatever – and there is literally no way for me to know if Ben changed something on purpose to try and shut me up.”

I’m guessing somewhere out there, there’s a “BEN Drowned” drinking game, in which the only rule is “Drink whenever the problem could be easily solved by turning your computer off”.

There are no survivors.

“Or if maybe those replies were just constructed by Ben to try and discourage me from even reaching out – See, I get fucking caught in an infinite mindfuck loop like this and this is what has been wearing on my sanity and pushing me to the edge. As I’m writing this, there’s no way of even telling if anyone even cares as much as I think they do – just another fucking trick. Is this whole document even exist? Am I writing nothing?”

You’re writing nothing of value, at any rate.

9/9/10 Conversation 2

User: What is it? Whats the point of playing? i die whenever i do anything

Cleverbot: You die because you can’t figure out the secret.”

Not even BEN knows why Apple Jacks don’t taste like apples.

“User: What?

Cleverbot: Thematic.

User: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT”

“Thematic”? Oh, balls, everything just got meta.

“Cleverbot: There beauty in your suffering

(the window is closed)

4:09pm – Ben is making me play the game again. It tells me that it has something very important to show me.

6:23pm – (Summary of the DROWNED.wmv playthrough)

9:09pm – (Summary of CHILDREN.wmv playthrough)”

… Am I just stupid, or does “CHILDREN” not actually exist?

[Editor’s Note: Definitely stupid.]

YOU SHUT UP.

“September 10, 2010 11:52am – The DROWNED.wmv playthrough was up when I woke up today. I remember typing it up but I don’t ever remember posting it. He censored it again, there is no mentioning of the old man. I have no voice anymore. I am only posting what he wants me to, I am the mask he uses to disguise himself as he lies.”

Get it?! Get it?! Mask?! Majora’s Mask?! BEN WILL HUNT YOU DOWN SWALLOW YOUR SOUL IF YOU DON’T GET IT!

benipidy

Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review, Part Thirteen

20 Nov

… Wait, wait, I’m still not ready. Can I have an inspiration 80’s montage?

Eh, that’ll do. WELCOME TO INTERNET CAMPFIRE TALES!

internet_campfire_tales

Previously, on BEN Drowned: Somehow, the haunted Majora’s Mask cartridge has managed to take control of Cleverbot! My god, if it manages to nab Omegle too, I’ll be out of a job.

Ahem!

“User: Majora’s Mask?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: How did you know about that?

Cleverbot: Because.”

Oh, charming, apparently our scary eldritch abomination is a fucking nine year old.

“User: because what?

Cleverbot: I did it.

User: Did what?

Cleverbot: I played with you.”

Which is on the list of “Worst Things To Tell Someone After Sex”.

“User: What the fuck/

Cleverbot: Were you scared?

User: Who the fuck is this”

Jeff the Killer, obviously.

“Cleverbot: Ben.

User: The statue? You’re inside my computer now?

Cleverbot: Yes.”

And that’s the exact moment Jadusable picked up his drinking problem.

Because, as a wise man once said, when your Nintendo 64 is trying to swallow your soul and Cleverbot says he’s a dead child, a drinking problem is the least of your troubles.

“User: how?

Cleverbot: You connected me.

User: How the hell did I connect you?

Cleverbot: Cables and cords.”

It’s as we always knew! The Link Cable was the tool of the devil!

“User: How?

Cleverbot: Tell me about yourself.

User: What?

Cleverbot: Tell me about yourself.

User: What do you mean?”

When the hell did this turn from “ghost story” to “the worst blind date” ever?

“Cleverbot: What is it that really scares you?

User: What the fuck?

Cleverbot: Answer.

User: No

Cleverbot: Answer.”

You know, for a supernatural entity bent on the destruction of humanity… BEN seems really fucking ditzy. Am I the only one not even slightly intimidated?

“User: what the fuck, how the fuck did you just open that by yourself?

Cleverbot: I am your computer now.

User: How much can you control?

Cleverbot: All.”

My god… BEN controls all the porn.

For dry, red eyes, use Clear Eyes…

“User: what do you want from me?

Cleverbot: To entertain.

User: you’re stuck inside there. You can’t hurt me?”

Good point! Good fucking point! Can we leave now?

“Cleverbot: Ha

User: ?

Cleverbot: Go play.”

Tell you what, buddy, you should boot up some Team Fortress 2, and watch the smarmy fucker walk straight into a line of turrets. You shouldn’t have done that, indeed.

“User: No, you can’t hurt me.

Cleverbot: Took you longer to type that.

User: So?

Cleverbot: You’re not sure.

User: If you’re so powerful, why use a ridiculous website like this to “chat” with me

Cleverbot: Less messy. More structured. Fun.”

… Yeah, no, fuck you, I’m not buying it. “More structured”? Oh, I have complete control over electronics, but making my own text software to say hi is… like, hard or something.

“User: Fun?

Cleverbot: Yes. Tradition. I like it.”

… “Tradition”?

“User: You think it’s funny?

Cleverbot: Amusing.

User: And my notes?

Cleverbot: You may write them down.

User: Why are you letting me?

Cleverbot: It is amusing to see what you think of me.

(window closes)”

So… you’re letting your victim have complete free reign, because the only thing you have any control over you’re not going to actually control?

OUR ANTAGONIST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

“3:50pm – What have I done? I’ve invited it into my computer. I continue to write these notes, write my summaries, I feel like I am a prisoner in my one place of security. I don’t know, I don’t know if I’m hallucinating or not.”

Just… just stop writing your notes then. This isn’t that big of a problem, dude.

“I feel like I’m fucking insane right now. I can feel it, watching over me, even as I type this. Ben is controlling everything in the game – toying with me, leading me like a sheep, but for what? What’s the purpose? I know Ben drowned, but why these hauntings? What the fuck am I even doing, it can probably even see this right now.”

*grabs shirt collar*

*hauls over counter*

JUST. TURN. IT. OFF.

“4:35pm – (Summary of the BEN.wmv playthrough)”

Yep, totally gonna go read that part over again!

coughcoughcough.

“7:18pm – BEN called me to Cleverbot again. He tells me that he’s sorry and wants to be free. And that I can free him, that just like how he got on my computer from the capture card, he can spread but he needs my help. He says I am special because I can help him.”

Okay, now I’m seeing where all those BEN Drowned fan fictions are coming from.

There are a lot more of these pictures to choose from. I’m sad too.

“That is the first nice thing he has said. He promises to leave me alone if I do it. He swears he will. I don’t know what to think right now, how can I even trust this thing?”

Yeah, they fight, but the sex is fantastic.

“7:20pm – I’m terrified of it, but now its saying that it was just having fun. Its twisted and fucked up verison of fun. Hes saying that the game is over. I do want it to be over.”

SO DO I.

“He says that he just wants to be free, that he’s trapped in the cartridge and my computer and he wants to be freed. I don’t want to have to deal with this shit, I don’t know how long I can deal with the watching. It’s watching my every move, every key stroke, I have nothing private anymore. It knows everything that’s been on my computer. It tells that it if it wanted to it could do horrible things to me, but it hasn’t so I should trust it.”

Turn it off! Unplug it! Break it! Fry the hard drive! Dunk it in water! Zap it with a magnet! Drop it out the fucking window! THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS TO SOLVE THIS! 

“8:01pm – Something tells me that I’m being played again, just like in the game.”

So, what, you’re the one wearing a green skirt in this metaphor?

“9:29pm – BEN called me to Cleverbot again. I ignored it and went to go take a shower. When I came to my laptop I was welcomed with an image Elegy Statue staring at me with those dead eyes. I dont want to talk to him.”

This would be a lot creepier if I hadn’t already played Imscared.

“9:44pm – Fuck you Ben I’m not talking to you

9:56pm – Fuck you ben I’m not talking

10:06pm – FUCK YOU BEN IM NOT TALKING TO YOU

10:12pm – FUCK YOU BEN IM NOT TALKING TO YOU”

I completely agree with you. Today, we are brothers. Fuck you, BEN.

“10:45pm – It’s been more than a half an hour and the messages have stopped. Ben has stopped. I’m beginning to think that Ben isn’t confined to just my computer/cartridge, I’m beginning to feel something. It’s hard to explain it, I’ve never been spiritual, but there’s something different about the air in my dorm room now.”

Oh, see that? You didn’t break the cartridge in time, and now a demon owns your soul. I hope you’re happy.

“11:42pm – I’m beginning to see the Elegy statue randomly as I search the internet in places I shouldn’t. Places where he shouldn’t be – I’d be scrolling down and suddenly I’d be staring at a picture of the Elegy statue. Always the Elegy statue. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

Yeah, I know exactly how you feel, I’ve been having the exact same thing happen with ads for Dragon Age: Inquisition even though I already bought it GODDAMMIT BIOWARE STOP POSSESSING MY COPY OF MAJORA’S MASK.

[Editor’s Note: … Wait, what?]

It’s possible I’m bad at metaphors.

Wait… BEN should be wearing green! BEEFCAKE PLOTHOLE.

 

Free Dragon Age Advertisement

19 Nov

[Editor’s Note: Hey, did you manage to grab a copy of Dragon Age: Inquisition?]

Oh, totally!

[Editor’s Note: How is it?]

Really… really freakin’ awesome! I love it!

[Editor’s Note: That’s cool, that’s cool.]

Yeah!

[Editor’s Note: … ]

[Editor’s Note: Dude, just write your romantic Cassandra Pentaghast fan fiction already.]

HOW DOES EVERYBODY ALREADY KNOW?!

I KISSED A VAMPIRE VIDEO REVIEW

18 Nov

NEEEEEEW VIDEO REVIEW! 

At The Omegle Tonight!

17 Nov

Well, today was apparently “finishing my video review” day, so while that uploads, let’s kill some time making fun of people on Omegle!

Ahem!

sexy daddy here looking for a pet/little daddy’s girl to pleasure daddy’s big cock if you want a master

ON SECOND THOUGHT, I THINK WE’RE DONE HERE.