Internet Campfire Tales: The Water Jew Project, A Creepypasta Review

5 Dec

God, after that life-draining hole on my life that last Creepypasta review was, I never want to try that obnoxious garbage ever again!

So, who wants to review another Creepypasta?

internet_campfire_tales

Welcome back to Internet Campfire Tales, the web-series where we spotlight the best that Creepypastas have to offer! And the worst too, I guess. And today we’re looking at… The Water Jew Project?

Oh, sweet buttery fuck.

Ahem!

“Back in 1942, during the reign of Hitler, little was known of the “Wasser Juden Projekt”, roughly translated to “The Water Jew Project.””

Oh, darn, if you changed that to “Jaden” instead, you’d have the best Yu Gi Oh GX episode ever.

“It was intended for the German people to be able to send the Jews to an underwater encampment, far away from the reaches of Humanity.”

Ah, yes, I believe that’s called Project: Hitler Got Really Drunk After Watching Atlantis: The Lost Empire And Was Completely Convinced He Was Michael J. Fox.

“These are the journal entries of the scientist running said project.”

Excluding all of the times he doodled “Me + Goering = OTP” in the margins, of course.

Day 1: Today we gave the “Inferiors” the starting dose of the hormone we are studying.”

Wait, “inferiors”? “Hormones”? Oh, we’re talking about high school students, of course!

“Immediately they all began to scream in pain, saying that they could feel the substance flowing through their veins, and that it burned, but we were not worried until one of them began to seize in the floor.”

Okay, you know, pardon my squirrelly ignorance, but what the fuck does this have to do with creating the Lost City of Jewlantis?! Also, oh god that joke is so bad it actually hurt me hit the kill switch end it all now.

“We managed to subdue him until he regained consciousness but we realized we needed to take extra precautions when administering the drug.”

“Wait a second, he was the control group, all he got was cholesterol. Goddammit, who keeps sneaking LSD into the control groups?!”

Day 2: We are starting the “Inferiors” on a schedule. It is as follows: 8:00am- Awaken subjects. 8:15am- Administer hormone. 9:00am- Exercise.”

Hmm. Perhaps, but where does razzmatazz come in?

“10:00am- Pysch. Evaluation. 12:00pm- Feed subjects. 12:30pm- Subliminal learning.”

Oh yes, thrill as we watch somebody fill out their Google calender!

“5:00pm- Feed subjects. 6:00pm- Psych Evaluation. 7:00pm- Sleep.”

And of course, hammer time.

Day 5: Things were uneventful until this period. We began to administer the drug to the subjects, but one turned his head and began to vomit profusely before screaming and trying to tear through his harnesses.”

The True Origins Of White Castle.

“As one of my fellow co-workers attempted to subdue the subject, the other 5 “Inferiors” started yelling, stating that “This was what he was meant for.””

OH HE WAS MEANT FOR LOVIN’ YOU, BABY.

“I don’t know what they meant, because he instantly stopped. He laid there for 2 hours, vital signs normal, just staring into the open space to the side.”

My god, it’s like you’ve opened a window in to the reviewer life-style.

“The rest of the day had nothing out of the normal.”

Unless you count that musical number they broke out into, I guess.

Day 6: I decided to continue writing in this journal because I realized things are beginning to happen, very scary things.”

Who are you trying to convince here, Mr. Nazi? Me, or that copy of ‘Heil Honey, I’m Home’ that you masturbate to every night?

“I have not witnessed any of the subjects acting out or behaving strangely on this day, but I did see plenty of signs of abnormal behavior. They acted around the changes as if they were comfortable, but they were not the means that a normal human being would want to live.”

They were not the means that… what the fuck are you on about? Were they growing gills out of their ass or something? And why do I have the feeling there is already porn of that?

“All of the beds were missing the mattresses, so now they were all sleeping on metal bed frames.”

… What.

“Where the mattresses could have gone, I had no idea. I asked every person on our crew and they seemed astounded by it. I checked the security camera and saw what could only be described as absolutely insane. They ate them. They ate the mattresses.”

*pinch bridge of nose between forefingers*

I am going to assume you know why that is completely fucking stupid, and just move on.

“We are feeding them normally, and they are going to the bathroom regularly, but piece by piece over one night, they each ate their mattresses.”

How?! How the hell can a single human body contain a single mattress?! And far more importantly, do you think that counts as tearing the tag off?

Hah hah hah, this gag is totally original, right?

“After that, they began to furiously attack the young man that had acted out yesterday.  I will question him during tomorrow’s Psych Evaluation.”

Oh, that’s going to be a fun conversation. “So, what do you see in this Rorschach test?”

“A mattress. With me eating it.”

“I see. And how does that make you feel?”

“Like eating a mattress.”

Interesting!”

Day 7: I took over the Psych room for today. None of the subjects spoke to me on the matter of their mattresses, nor the young man they attacked. In fact, none of them spoke a single word, just stared at their hands resting in their laps.”

Oh, so they were doing the Safety Dance!

Somebody will get that reference.

Somebody has to get that reference.

“When the young man came in I was able to get some response from him. The conversation continued as follows:

“Hello, I am Dr. Guschkler. What would your name be?”

Insert gag about somebody introducing themselves. I’m the Scatman, I’m Batman, hi, I’m Daisy, they’re all good.

“I don’t know”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, come on, I’m so blandly written, you could practically exchange me with one of those mattresses.”

“(To this he did not respond, so I tried to ask him another question.)

“Why did the other subjects attack you? Are they angry at you?”

(He looked down, but did not move a muscle.)”

Youuuuuu do realize there are eye muscles, right?

“No, quite the opposite.”

“What?”

(He gave a very large grin.)

“They’re very happy to help me live.”

Oh, hush up, you Russian-Sleep-Experiment wannabe.

“After that statement he gave no more answers, just gave the same reactions that the other subjects gave as well.”

Fuck, I think somebody spilled water on the patient, he’s glitching out.

Day 9: We are sending the patients to another lab to be closely examined.”

Ooh, if they’re to be examined naked, then we could finally set up that Creepypasta porno! Maybe get Slenderman in there as the leading lady?

Oh, what, did you think I was joking?

Day 11: The hormone is affecting the subjects differently than expected. They are beginning to grow a type of external breathing mechanism, which came to be expected from the manner of the drug that we were giving them.”

No. No, there is absolutely no drug in which growing an external breathing apparatus is a reasonable expectation.

“The mechanisms closely resemble a pair of tubes on either side attaching to their abdomens, which on further examination by X-Ray was seen to extend to their lungs.”

THAT IS NOT A NORMAL THING THAT SHOULD HAPPEN.

“The young man I spoke to the other day now has a light purple glow to his skin, but that may just be because he was severely beaten there as well.”

Or maybe he just read A Very Strange Place a lot! It does happen a lot, you know.

“All of the patient’s pupils have expanded to cover their entire eye. We did not give them the hormone on this day.”

Hmm. Maybe Chief Researcher Dagon knows what’s going on!

Day 15: All of the patients except for the young man are missing.”

Dude. You guys suck at this.

“The cameras have cut out, the other doctors saw nothing, and the room containing the last remaining subject is filled with a noxious, light brown haze of gas. “

I swear to god, if this was just one big lead-in to a fart joke, I’m wrapping this entire Pasta in a seaweed roll and dunking it in a pit of Wasabi.

“Even as I continue to write this he stares into my eyes. He beckons me to come closer but I do not listen.”

Pssh, why not! That guy seems toooootally legit.

“(There are no more entries in the journal just a scribble of a quote, assumed to be from the monster described in the story.) The quote reads: “How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one’s culture but within oneself?””

Oh, charming, the monster is an amateur poet. Tell me, were the hormones just liquefied purple prose?

In late 1988, research was conducted to find the location of the laboratory, and an excavation team was sent 200ft underwater to find the remains.”

Aquaman remains at large.

“YOU JUST HATE ME BECAUSE I’M ATLANTIAN.”

The team consisted of 3 men, 2 women and a remotely-controlled robot fitted with a camera. The crew was never seen again, but a live feed was recorded from the robot.”

Still a better found footage film than Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones.

The young man from the journal, originally in his early 20s, now roughly 60 years old, was seen feasting on bodies, along with 5 other similar monsters, none of which were purple.”

… Wait, what?!

A large explosion occurred in that area roughly a week later and no other excavation runs have been successful.”

Well, there we go! That’s the end! I hope it answered all of your questions.

So, that was The Water Jew Project! How was it? Clearly trying to be The Russian Sleep Experiment, for one.

It’s not ba- well, okay, it is bad. The writing tries, and it’s obvious what they’re going for, but there’s not enough details in either the changes, the monsters, or the experiment, and it’s constrained by it’s attempt to be a new Russian Sleep Experiment. With more of a build up, more details, and a better atmosphere for the underwater experiment, it could have been truly great! But as it stands, it’s simply the result of somebody with good ideas, but not enough experience to properly utilize them.

Sigh. Cue Bioshock reference.

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