BR: Before Rudolph

8 Dec

… No, seriously, what the hell did Santa Claus do before Rudolph came around?

Okay, so, depending on which figure you want to go by, Santa can track back to any number of dates, but if I’m going back to the roots, the original Saint Nicholas was born on March 15, 270. Now, we’re not going to assume he started Santa-ing right out of the room, so lets shoot for an even 300, okay? 30 seems like a great age to start Santa-ing.

And on the other hand, we have Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer. The original story he was based on was published in 1939. (The song came out later, 1949 to be precise.) So, if we crunch the numbers on that… lemme see, 1939 take away 300… oh, okay, 1639! That means that there was one thousand, six hundred, thirty-nine days between the beginning of Santa Claus and the creation of Rudolph. One thousand, six hundred, and thirty-nine Christmases.

… So, what the fuck did Santa do about foggy Christmases beforehand?

Are we honestly expected to believe that Santa never ran into a mildly foggy Christmas beforehand? I mean, just playing the odds, but I’d think after 1639 Christmases, I’m pretty sure at least one of them would have been foggy. Did Santa… what, go around? Go third star to the right and straight on till morning? Take a cab? Or did he really just call Christmas off? Or… hell, what’s happened since? The Rudolph story made it pretty clear how despised mutants are, so did they keep using Rudolph for lighting and ignored the social stigma, or did Santa finally splurge and buy a fucking spot-light?

[Editor’s Note: … Has it ever occurred to you that you might take this a little too seriously-]

AND WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO PLAY WITH A CHARLIE IN THE BOX?!

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