The Cataloging System From Hell Itself: ABCs Of Death 2 Review, Part One

9 Dec

… There’s a sequel to ABCs Of Death. 

*pinch bridge of nose between fingers*

Why am I even fucking surprised.

Is… is he hugging the book?

ABCs Of Death, for those not in the know, is an anthology movie- well, I guess I should say “series” now, consisting of 26 different horror movie segments, each with a different director. Those with an excellent memory, or maybe just a lack of self preservation, may remember my review of the first film.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!”

“Annnnnnd the repulsion just keeps RAMPING UP!”

“Oh, YOU CAN JUST FUCK RIGHT OFF.”

“SUCK MY DESK BALLS.”

OH GOD WHERE IS THE ABSINTHE! LET ME DRINK THE PAIN AWAY!”

“You know, they keep boasting about how this movie has 26 different horror directors. Well, maybe that would have worked better if they hired some actual FUCKING WRITERS!”

I was less than impressed.

Yeah, yeah, I hate to stall and everything, but one more thing before we go on with the review. Remember how, according to my calculations, the amount of segments and the length of the overall movie meant that each letter could only have 4.73 minutes to each one? Well, it turns out, the directors were actually listening! Because let’s see, with a 124 minute runtime, this time each letter can have a whopping… 4.76 minutes for each segment! 

High fucking rollers!

Ahem!

The film opens with a short explanation of the premise of the anthology, before we get our credits. Namely, a thick text-book consisting of paper craft animations of children playing, before something terrible happens to them. Think the Gashlycrumb Tinies, if their mother drank while she was pregnant with them. And on that cheery note of fetal alcohol syndrome, we’re onto our first segment!

“A” opens with a man, whose defining feature is a truly magnificent beard, practicing shooting guns, punching bags, and definitely not compensating for anything, before he gets hired to kill some creep. In a particularly strange note, we then hop inside his head as the movie shows us exactly how he imagines the job to go, complete with spy music, climbing a ventilation shaft, and said creep paying two women to make-out together. Because a horror movie without sexual exploitation is one step removed from some preteen Disney sitcom, am I right?!

(I am not right.)

Back to reality, oh, there goes gravity, the bearded guy hops to it, and starts his climb up the building’s ventilation shaft. But because it’s, you know, a real goddamn ventilation shaft, it’s completely filled with spider webs, cockroaches, and nails sticking out of the walls. I know this, because he somehow manages to impale himself on every single one. That’s just… pathetic. Seriously, how did you possibly get hired as an assassin when you can’t manage a task that wouldn’t faze a five year old?

Shortly before he makes it to the penthouse, he gets snagged for good, and we cut to three weeks later. The penthouse, quite naturally, smells like rotting corpse now, and the creep is whining up a storm… when the maintenance guy yanks the body out of the shaft, and his gun goes off, killing the creep regardless.

… A for effort, I guess?

Actually, according to the title card, “A Is For Amateur”, which is an excellent descriptive term for about ninety percent of this segments! Boom, surprise burn! “B” opens with a jackass documentary host, hostin’ his documentary about… badgers, and how they’re all dead because of a nuclear power plant. Annnnnd cue badgers dragging the host underground and slicing him in half. Sigh. I always knew that’s how David Attenborough would go out.

OH GOD THEY’VE LEARNED TO FLY.

“B Is For”- oh, fuck it, you can guess. “C” opens with a selection of angry British people in what looks like a living room, accusing yet another bearded gentlemen of murdering a young lady named Lucy. He gets a simple choice- confess now and get arrested, or deny it and get murdered! Getting decked across the face, meanwhile, is more of a right than a choice.

He confesses, and the townsfolk say oh, okay, let’s go murder you anyway. But while they take him out to the… designated murderin’ spot, which I assume all British people have, it makes the news that Lucy… was actually perfectly fine! Oh, what a wacky misunderstanding-

“OFF WITH HIS HEAD!”

– Okay, fair point, that part is less than wacky.

Yeah, they’ve dragged him out here for some good old fashioned decapitation, and the car the townfolk send out to get them to call it off… kinda sorta crashes. Um. Whoops. So, because taking somebody’s head off actually takes some work, they have to give him about ten damn whacks before he finally goes out of his own misery, all of which is fairly well acted, with good special effects! Which I think makes this technically a better Alice In Wonderland re-enactment than that Tim Burton abomination.

W- why the BALLS is this the first thing Google shows me when I search for Alice In Wonderland?!

(“C Is For Capitol Punishment”, in case you cared ever so much.)

We quickly move over to the next segment, which consists of a horrifying mis-shapen animation abomination strapped to a table, before similar looking creatures, with their pulsating, bald, bloody heads, come over, and stab him with a surgical implement that they pulled out of a severed head and then leave, but not before stabbing a bug, which at night, becomes a pool which shoots out a giant pulsating bug that bites onto the captive which creates a second version of him not tied up and with hair and a black, twisted hand, but when he looks up the bug’s ass, a disfigured teddy bear with human teeth and a human head on his ass whispers some in-comprehensible advice, before the bug crawls further up the man’s arm which means his entire arm is now a black sword so he goes and kills the three people who stabbed him and steals their heads to shove up the bug’s ass and feed to the teddy bear, but then he gets stuck in the ass and pulls himself out so now his neck is really stretched out and the bodies of the people whose heads he cut off show up and cut his head off and feed it to the bug’s ass so his head turns black and they stomp through his head and then they all fall over dead so the bug creates a pool and crawls inside and becomes a normal bug again and crawls inside the guy’s neck stump and D is for deloused and- and- and- and- and- and- and- and- andand and-dasndjsasdjawia and and andna sbds-

CRITICAL ERROR.

CRITICAL ERROR.

PLEASE REBOOT REVIEWER.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.

NO, SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING.

FUCK ME.

GOOD GOD.

reasons i drink

Um. Anyway, moving on! “E” opens with two thoroughly bearded gentlemen on an abandoned island, until they see a girl unconscious on the shoreline. And thankfully, nobody gets raped! Which is good, because having to reboot my brain twice in two minutes could result in some serious fragmentation. The girl starts to bond with one of the guys, so the two start fighting, until one is on top of the other, about to bash his brain in for a rock for getting between him and the girl-

– Until he stops for a moment, considers the matter, and bashes the girl’s brain in for getting between the two buddies.

… I kind of want to laugh, and I’m kind of afraid that makes me a horrible person.

“E Is For Equilibrium”, so sayeth the title card, and “F” does not start with an Asian girl’s flatulence, so we’re already comin’ out ahead on this one! It opens with a blond woman in military garb, with her parachute stuck in a tree, unable to touch the ground, until a man on a donkey shows up.

Oh, and a gun.

Yeah, I probably should have mentioned the gun first.

He aims his rifle at her, and the two start negotiating. Namely, she’d greatly prefer if he just climbed the tree and took her hostage than the whole… shooting her thing. But hey, all it takes is a bit of nose tweaking and dick measuring to convince him to go up and do it himself, because guys are incredibly stupid.

Eventually he gets her down, and despite breaking her leg on the fall, she manages to hobble away at a pretty good speed. The guy, in his hurry to catch her, accidentally goes tumbling down as well, and smashes his head on the rocks. She goes back for him… and gets caught by all of his gun-toting friends.

“… Um. Hi. Yeah, I know this looks bad, but I swear, I found his brain like that.”

“F Is For Falling”, and our next letter opens with a long haired gentleman and his longer haired grandfather sitting around a fire, enjoying fine alcohols. And I’m suddenly reminded why half of these segments don’t feature spoken dialogue. Seriously, please, shut up and let me enjoy making fun of your hair.

The grandfather goes to bed, and the grandson follows suit… only to find that his grandfather has been sleeping beneath his bed for the last year. And trying to look like, speak like, and become his grandson. And then he kills his grandson. And then he pulls his underpants down and reveals that he doesn’t have a penis. And then we end with a close-up on the grandfather’s pubic hair.

… Annnnnnd now I’m asexual. Thanks for that.

“G Is For Granddad”, and the next segment opens with stylized caricature pencil sketches making out with each other- OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE! CAN WE GO TEN SECONDS BETWEEN TRYING TO PERSONALLY MURDER THE VIEWERS?!

Okay, full disclosure: I really don’t think I can describe “H Is For Head Games”. It is… okay, see, the sketches are making out, right? And then the guy bites her lips- jesus, I had an old girlfriend like that- and then they start shooting lasers, eyeball cannons, blood streams, UFOs, and- and- LOOK I SAID THAT I COULDN’T DESCRIBE IT, DIDN’T I?! MOVING ON!

Our next segment opens with a collection of Tim Burton wet dreams in a Spanish aristocrat’s house with an immortal old witch they’re trying to kill who wants them to eat a stone in her mouth- NOPE! You’ve already fucking lost me! Go back and start again, movie!

Anyway, for anyone damaged enough to sit through this after that, they douse the woman in gasoline and set her ablaze, but the witch is still walkin’ about, so they hack in head off, but she’s still alive, and manages to spit her stone in one of their mouths. Which means… nothing? Oh well, “I Is For Invincible”, we’re not going to answer any questions! Go the fuck home! Nobody will ever love you!

Our next segment opens with two men making out in the woods, with somebody in a hoodie taking photos of them from a distance. Hoodie takes the photos to one of the men’s fathers, who has kidnapped, and takes him to an exorcism. Yes, they are literally here to pray the gay away, but as the priests go to work, they start appearing as hideous demons to the young man.

Which, really, is what I see priests as normally. BOOM! FULL BODY CONTACT!

After pissing his pants… charming, the man discovers that now he has stigmata. And… what, his head is bleeding like a crown of thorns now? Oh, fuck it, HOOK A CAR BATTERY UP TO HIS BALLS! Fuck yeah, religion just got FUCKING METAL!

Next up on the itinerary is… branding iron in the shape of the cross! But, apparently that pisses off who appears to be a Kratos in his underpants, carrying Pyramid Head’s sword. Um. Hello, nice of you to pop by. He murders the priests, gives the gay guy a tattoo that reads “love is the law”, and stares at him to close us out. Apparently, J is for… Jesus?

Oh, please tell me that terrifying motherfucker was Jesus. Oh god, I would go to church every fucking day if that’s what Jesus looked like.

“Is this bugging you? I’m not braaaaanding you.”

“K” opens with a girl painting her nails, until she looks outside and sees… a giant black circling sphere floating above an apartment building, which causes all of it’s inhabitants to go into a psychotic rage. Everyone who is in the mood for murdering gets themselves some murdering… until they see the girl watching them.

Oh. My.

Eventually, black goo seeps into her apartment from every entry point, until she starts bleeding out of her vagina, which touches the goo, and the end. Um. I- what?! You created a tense atmosphere, and managed to hold it for… what, ten seconds?! High fucking rollers!

“K Is For Knell”, I am told, and we hop immediately into a human sacrifice story! Which, despite being African, everyone is speaking perfect English. And even more surprisingly, they feel the need to subtitle it anyway. Um. My racism scale is kinda off, so we’ll just call it a wash.

They decide not to go ahead with the sacrifice, for reasons that I can barely track- look, it’s not important, a giant monster comes out and starts killing people with the worst CGI effects you’ll ever see. “L Is For Legacy”, title card, and we’re walking, we’re walking…

The final segment for part one of this review, “M Is For Masticate”, opens with a sweaty bearded man in stained underpants sprinting down the street in slow motion and knocking a jogger out of the way, presumably for the crime of getting in the way of his pink socks. Or his contact lenses stolen from Hopsin. And of course, “A Pearl Is Not A Diamond” is playing in the background, because it’s not as if it could make it any fucking weirder.

Anyway, next, he tosses a red head across the street, then flips a cafe table across the street, and finally pounces on some guy and starts chewing his face off. Fortunately a cop comes along and puts a bullet through his slow mo, soundtrack, and head. And we cut back to thirty minutes earlier, as the man buys some bath salts!

… Um. Topical?

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One Response to “The Cataloging System From Hell Itself: ABCs Of Death 2 Review, Part One”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. El Alphabeto From The Mouth Of Madness: ABCs Of Death 2 Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 11, 2014

    […] Previously, on ABCs Of Death 2: I don’t- I don’t even- dude, it’s an anthology movie, why the fuck are you even looking for a “Previously On Segment”? What are we even going to say? We’re at “N”! Get a move on! […]

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