El Alphabeto From The Mouth Of Madness: ABCs Of Death 2 Review, Part Two

11 Dec

… Erm, is it just me, or are my made-up titles cooler than the movie’s actual title? Anyway, welcome back to ABCs Of Death 2, or as it’s otherwise known, the theatrical equivalent of water-boarding!

It’s almost as though he doesn’t WANT us to read the book- like he’s hiding it or something. Not that I’m COMPLAINING, mind…

Previously, on ABCs Of Death 2: I don’t- I don’t even- dude, it’s an anthology movie, why the fuck are you even looking for a “Previously On Segment”? What are we even going to say? We’re at “N”! Get a move on!

Ahem!

“N” opens with some woman taking a video of herself in Bride Of Frankenstein make-up, while naked. And to be fair, she’s quite attractive. She sends said video to her naked boyfriend, who would also be fairly attractive if his hair wasn’t long enough to reach through the screen and choke me.

He sends a video back, and starts heading on his way to her Halloween party, while in his Frankenstein costume. And of course, while he’s off biking, it’s intercut with footage of some taxi driver trying to solve a crossword puzzle while getting a pushy patron across town. Oh god, my New York sense is tingling. And one of the words on the puzzle in “convergance” OH GEE I WONDER WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN.

Shock of all shocks, the taxi just happens to hit the boyfriend, which just happens to throw him into a little kid, which just happens to all happen in front of the girlfriend. And of course, “N Is For Nexus”, because “N Is For Seriously, Fuck Taxi Drivers” just didn’t work.

“O” opens in a courtroom run by zombies, as they put a woman to trial for killing zombies during the zombie apocalypse, because she didn’t know that there would be a cure a few years later. Well. Okay, “cure” is a strong word, they’re still decaying abominations of life and death, but they don’t eat people now. After all, zombies are people too! She even shot her own daughter through the head after she got bitten, who of course shows up as a witness. But not before a decapitated head on a table gives testimony, who is naturally the most reliable of sources. It ends with the woman hooked up to the electric chair and executed, only for her, and all the other humans executed by the zombies, to themselves rise up as zombies to overthrow the other zombies.

“O Is For Ochlocracy” is hilarious, dark, thought-provoking, gory, and very well-acted.

Oh, I don’t have a joke here. This is just a legitimately great segment. Can I please just watch this for two hours instead of the rest of this movie? It’d take up the same amount of my time, and be infinitely more enjoyable.

Pictured: The best episode of Night Court ever.

“P” opens with three over-actors in sepia tone and cartoony prison outfits and a lamp wandering around a pitch black screen.

Wait, what?!

Um. Okay, this… send-up to classic comedies, or at least I’m fucking praying that’s what this is, wander through the dark until they find a man in a rocking chair, carrying a baby, who starts playing jig music. Everyone dances around for a bit, until one guy sneezes, which pisses off the jig guy, so he blows out their lantern over and over again while making silly faces until one of the prisoners bursts into flame off screen and leaves nothing but a smoldering sack of meat on the floor.

You know, you really have to love these movies where the fucking stupidity of whatever the hell is going on makes it’s own punchline, it makes for a very easy review to write.

It happens again, and another guy is left smoldering. He’s dead, I mean, it’s not like he’s really attractive now. Anyway, jig guy holds up his baby, which has his exact face, and blows the candle out one last time. Oh, sweet buttery fuck, what even was that?

“P Is For P- P- P- P- Scary!”

Did… did you even check what movie you were in? ABCs Of Death? Look, I know the last one was the theatrical equivalent of the directors slowly lining up in front of us and flipping us off while riding away in to the sunset, Wagner blaring in the background, but at least sitting us down and telling us in no uncertain terms how much they hate us took some effort. Come on, where’s the personality to the hatred? Where’s the passion?! Dammit, I want some passion when I get hatefucked by a movie!

[Editor’s Note: … I think we just learned way too much about your sex life.]

OH LOOK IT’S FUCK YOU O’CLOCK.

“Q” opens with a close-up on a picture of somebody enjoying a sunset, which is the closest you’re going to get to enjoyment in a long time. God, it’s like looking at a sunny day out of cell window. Erm- anyway, our segment is composed of a guy having an intelligence test on the middle of a sidewalk, and knocking it out of the park, while it intercuts with… footage of a team of surgeons cutting his brain out of his head and putting it into a gorilla? Eh, still not the worst King Kong sequel.

Anyway, yeah, gorilla! Or, rather, worst gorilla costume I’ve ever seen, but who’s counting! (Me. I’m a reviewer. It’s my job. Try to keep up.) And of course “Q Is For Questionnaire”- OH YOU SON OF A BITCH YOU DID THAT DELIBERATELY BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T WANT TO NAME IT “QUIZ” YOU ASSHAT.

[Editor’s Note: What even is an asshat?]

I… I don’t actually know.

Close enough.

“R” opens all in black and white, with a man loading a revolver. In a dark- well, okay, it’s black and white, so it could be coloured elderberry for all we know- room, three people are playing Russian Roulette. And… this might actually be the first Russian Roulette game I’ve ever seen in fiction with a girl playing.

… You go, girl? I don’t know how I should feel about gender equality when it comes to shooting your own brains out.

Anyway, they play and they play, with the girl and one of the guys clearly in a relationship, and all the while, they hear something rap-tap-tapping outside. But finally, it’s the last barrel, and the guy who has a thing for the girl has his turn. He puts it against his own head- and then aims it for the girl and shoots her in the fucking face. T- that’s the second time thus far in this movie where “shocking twist ending of randomly murdering a girl” has shown up! I- is that the theme so far?! What the hell is going on?!

R is for take a wild damn guess, and “S” opens with a man in a hotel room, calling his wife at while he’s on a business trip. But while he’s talking to her, in an interesting split-screen effect, we see somebody ringing the door bell… and then smashing said door with a hammer and breaking in. We see the screen play out through the various split screens, while the husband is helpless over the phone, and while I’ve never been partial to split-screens in cinema, as they’re intrinsically artificial and awkward, it is utilized well, and we get to feel the helplessness of both the husband and wife, and the intruder smashes the wife’s head in with a hammer.

And then he hears their baby crying.

Oh.

The husband pleads for the child’s safety over the phone, which considering all of the thumping of the hammer, I’m guessing it didn’t work too well. Just hazarding a guess. No idea where it came from. Anyway, the intruder picks up the phone, and pulls off her mask… to reveal that she was the wife of the husband’s secret gay lover!

Well, that got stupid fast. Oh hai, plot-twist from the second segment of V/H/S/, how’s your sex life?

“S Is For Split”- okay, yeah, that’s clever- and “T” opens with a photo-shoot of some woman in a white dress, in a big empty room. And of course, cue the photographer sexually abusing her. Yaaaaaay. He insults her, calls her a slut, slaps her, tells her to blow him, and eventually strips her naked and starts groping her. They see something moving beneath her skirt, annnnd BAM! She’s a demon, and her vagina is a mass of tentacles as she… either rapes or murders the photographer and forces them to film it.

… Why do I have the feeling that that would still sell?

Not too different from most porn, to be honest.

“T Is For Torture Porn”, which… oh, come on, that was tame for torture porn. “U” opens with- a bunch of bags with “U” on them, in a fancy metropolitan business center. Well, you certainly can’t fault them for not following through with what they promised. Eventually, a disheveled doughy guy comes in who doesn’t have a U logo?! Why, that uncultured swine! 

… Apparently.

He accidentally knocks over a big holo-graphic U score board, so they all whip out their phones, and call up the Fashion Police. Wait, no, did I say “Police”? I meant a robot coffin on wheels that yanks him in, Scorpion style, and incinerates him. Oh, lemme guess, “U Is For Subtle”?

No, actually, “U Is For Utopia”, and “V” opens a man on the video phone, talkin’ to his significant other on vacation. Seems he’s on vacation without her, which is… kind of a dick move, to be honest, but hey, it means I can just call him boyfriend! HUZZAH FOR NOT HAVING TO GIVE THESE PEOPLE NAMES! 

He’s making the call on the balcony, when his friend that he’s on vacation with bursts in, nabs the video phone, and gives her the “tour” of their hotel room. Which consists of alcohol, hardcore narcotics, hookers, and… a screwdriver. Eventually, the boyfriend bursts in, nabs the phone away, and decks the hooker. Because everybody loves the abuse to women video game, right? GET THE HOME EDITION NOW.

Anyway, one of the hookers kills them both with the screwdriver, and we learn that “V Is For Vacation”, and we cut to… an advertisement for action figures.

… Man, the drugs are kicking in today.

Aw, yeeeeah. Get rid of all that narcotic crap, though, just let me inject some STRAIGHT UP DOLLAR BILLS.

Actually, it’s an expy for He-Man, about the eternal battle between Prince Casio and his ally Fantasy Man, fighting the evil Zorb. Annnnd then the advertisement drags the little kids into the universe itself, and they have to watch the bloody, tragic, and really fucking cheesy war between the two sides. They get captured by Zorb, and get to see the inside of his evil lair, which is full of torture, disembowelment, yadda yadda yadda, until one of them is finally brought to meet the Zorb himself. Whose head causes him to disintegrate into a charred skeleton.

Damn it, Skele-Zorb! Don’t you feel the Christmas SPIRIT of this time of year?!

The skeleton is brought to the little boy, still trapped in Zorb’s dungeon, where he finds an old and overweight Fantasy Man, who… insists that the little boy is a princess, oddly enough, and they proceed to escape. All… while the boy… screams no…

Well, I don’t see anything rapey about that! Let’s move on before I need to take an ethanol and forgetfulness shower!

“W Is For Wish”, and “X” opens with a woman sitting in a big comfy chair, reading a newspaper and listening to classical music, while her daughter plays a xylophone. A daughter who… apparently can’t see her. Huh. Um, anyway! Everybody likes xylophones, right?

Two people come home, to the find the woman, who it turns out is a full grown version of the little girl, still playing her xylophone. Only, you know, if you replaced xylophone with the rib cage of a desecrated carcass in the middle of the room. And she’s still wearing fairy wings, which is the perfect intersection of depressing, creepy, and funny as hell! I think I just hit “Horror Movie Bingo”!

If you ask me what X is for, I’m going to smack you in the fucking mouth, and “Y” opens with three Japanese youths in a bedroom, when one of them snaps all of her limbs, folds into a giant dog, shoots pencils out of her mouth which impale in a wall, fly across the room and stab the other two, turn in to worms, form in to giant worm hands which strangle the guy, grows flowers, shoots acid in his face, smashes all of his teeth in, and grows a guitar out of his head, which kills him, which is where it cuts back to the room, perfectly fine, as it reveals that all of that was the fantasy running through the dog girl and guitar guy’s sister’s head, as she fantasied about telling them off for killing her dog and flowers.

[Editor’s Note: Avery? You okay?]

One second. I’ll be right back.

[Editor’s Note: Aver-]

I just… I just need a minute.

*stares off into the distance, as the sunsets delicately over the horizon*

No, seriously, what the fuck was that.

Um, anyway, the girl is quickly brought back into her fantasy when her mom comes in, and her inner monologue starts ragging on her shortcomings, while anthropomorphised objects attack. You know, because her mother never made healthy food, the mother has to fight off a giant man-eating burger, and because her mother never cleaned up after herself, she has to survive a vacuum cleaner made out of french fries, and because her mother was… always so horny, the vacuum cleaner… starts running it’s tongue over her breasts before turning into a giant penis which kisses her, leaving a sperm on the side of her face which burrows into her flesh and causes her face to burst out into horrible pulsating growths WHICH THEN SPROUT INTO EGGS ALL OVER HER BODY UNTIL SHE IS A GIANT EGG PERSON WHO THEN EXPLODES AND WHEN THE GIRL CONTEMPLATES KILLING HERSELF OVER ALL OF HER ABUSE, SHE GROWS A GIANT MIDDLE FINGER OUT OF HER VAGINA AND FLIPS THEM ALL THE BIRD AND THEN BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF THEM AND Y IS FOR YOUTH AND- AND- AND- AND-

NO! No no no no, we did the “critic blue screen of death gag” last time, we’re not doing it again! We’re almost done this fucking movie!

“Z” opens with a pregnant woman in a winter cabin, whose husband leaves to go get the midwife from town, but fortunately, he has a magical root that as long as the pregnant woman eats it, she won’t give birth.

“Don’t worry, honey! There’s enough root in there for years, and the midwife is only a day away! We’ll be fiiiine.”

*jump cut to THIRTEEN YEARS LATER*

Huh. Your husband is kind of a fuck-up, huh, lady?

Thirteen years later, the woman is out of root, she’s covered in filth, the cabin is in complete dis-repair, and the baby… is now thirteen years old, and still in her womb, becoming a massive tumorous lump that is completely aware and intelligent. It is a perfectly normal child except for the fact that it has been INSIDE OF HER WOMB FOR THIRTEEN YEARS.

YOU ARE MAKING SCIENCE CRY.

The woman has been managing to hunt, after all this time, and manages to catch a nice Maine Coon for dinner! Now, on one hand, good job being self sufficient while you’re harboring a perversion of every scientific field at the same time. On the other hand, I own a cat who looks exactly the same! So, I hope this evil cockmonger gets hatefucked by a steamroller!

Slowly.

With fire.

SEE MAINE COONS ARE LITERALLY THE FLUFFIEST.

Over the dinner, the mother and kid talk, and the kid asks, rather politely, to leave the womb. But the mother says, only when father comes back, because “you’re still only a baby”. Wow, lady, you’re about twelve different flavors of crazy. Oh, and the kid says that they’re not even sure what gender they are, but they “hope they’re a boy”. I… I don’t… this is like a nature documentary of elephants trying to fuck the abstract concept of togetherness, people. I can’t make jokes, I just have to stay back, report the utter fucking insanity, and try not to get anything in my eyes.

That night, the mother gets her labor pains- OH GEE I WONDER WHY- and notices that she’s out of her magic root. So, you know what that means! Birth! Or, in other words, the special effects department gets to have a fucking field day! The kid has to, first of all, snap her neck, and then TEARS HER THROAT OPEN, AND SHOVES OUT EVERY INTERNAL ORGAN SHE HAS SO THE KID CAN TAKE HER PLACE, HOLLOWING OUT HER MOTHER WEARING HER SKIN AS A SUIT.

One second, I need another break.

There we go.

The… kid-mother, or whatever the fuck I’m supposed to call this abomination, snips away the excess skin and stitches herself up again, and proceeds to clean the cabin and have a jolly old time of parading around in her mother’s skin, until… the father comes home! Yep, he’s back, thirteen years later, and acting as though he just stepped around the corner for milk.

“You took too long,” says the kid wearing her mother’s skin suit, and pretending to be her. “I had to have the baby without you.”

“Well,” says the kid’s father, as he unzips her dress and pulls her close. “I guess we’ll have to try again.”

No, you did not read that wrong. A man is about to fuck his own daughter while she’s wearing her mother’s skin.

There are some days where I love my job. This… is one of those times. I swear to god, this is like a perfect storm of nightmarish, pedophilia, amazing special effects, and OH GOD WHAT WERE YOU EVEN THINKING. And that was The ABCs Of Death 2! How was it!

… Yeah, still terrible. BUT, and this is a very important but, it’s finally switched over to FUN terrible! 

I’m not even kidding, this was- yeah, bad, really, really bad, but… my god! Did you even see that? Well, okay, it’s text, so you can’t really see it- shut up! Unlike the first film, most of the segments have something to get your teeth in to! If it’s not an interesting premise, then it’s interesting acting, or special effects, or hell, even the sheer badness is enough to get you most of the time! Seriously, next time you have a “bad movie” night with your buddies, definitely cue this up, you won’t regret it.

Well, you’re going to regret it a lot, but you’ll have fun doing it!

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